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dovetool posted 8/29/2013 15:17 PM

My whole story is on my profile.

I lost 12 of the most precious years of my life. Thought it was perfect. He said he never believed in cheating and that he hates people who do that sort of stuff. Then WH leaves me... later find out it was for someone else... then find out after recovery started who it was and the duration.

Thought it couldnt get worse Then it happened. I talked to the OW... she told me he DID buy her things when he said he didnt.Everything else was true that he had said. Then it started. I told him that he was still lying to preserve himself with no care for me. He said he'll take a lie detector test for me and show me. Just cried and asked me not to kick him out.

He took the test and failed. Telling me its not admissable in court and that he was telling me the truth. There were NO MORE OW.

I never let it go. I didnt believe him. I pushed and I pushed. He started crying. He said he had 2 one night stands in Dallas when he was gone for work. Then he said that he cant be with me.And kept crying and telling me he's doing me a favor.

I said why and he kept saying Im still selfish. You gave me a second chance and I am an asshole. Still Selfish. He left and called me constantly. Saying he wants to be home but hes just bad. Then he comes home and tells me everything.

He stated that he cheated on me one night with a coworker 6 months after we were married in 2001. He then had an affair that last more than 1 year in 2003 to 2004 while I was pregnant and gave birth to my first child, and got pregnant with a second kid. 6 weeks after the baby he fought with me to go out of town, then said he wanted to seperate and sent me to my mothers. Just so he could take some other hoe out of town on vacation. We had never gone on vacation to this point. He took her out to eat and never once took me. Said it would be too hard with the baby. He called me back after 2 weeks. Said I need to come home. That its his baby too. I came home and continued taking care of the home, working, our newborn and his schizophrenic mother that would constantly thrash me.

Then there was the OW that I knew that last 2.5 years and in between that another woman I didnt know about that he worked with a few times. Also went out of town.

He says he'll take another lie detector test to prove he's telling me the truth. And one every single year for the rest of our life.

But why? Why even want to work it out? How can you say that you didnt love me for 12 years and then when you lost me a year and a half ago you realized you do? How does that work? He says he realized how much he needs me and loves me. Says he cant live without me. But what about my whole 12 years I devoted to him while he even admits he never cared what he did to me. Even after he gave me HPV twice! Second time it developed into cancer.

I need to run... run so far aways. He keeps begging and crying... why? Am I just his toilet to shit in as he pleases. If its over that means from 18-30 I was making the biggest mistake of my life.

God of God why did I get married!

hill posted 8/29/2013 15:28 PM

(((dovetool)))

This is all still about him, huh?! How HE needs you.

Please. Look how he treated you, and how much you "need" him now. FTG.

Too bad, so sad for him. You are worth so much more.

nowiknow23 posted 8/29/2013 16:01 PM

If its over that means from 18-30 I was making the biggest mistake of my life.
And if it's over, it means that from 30 - 100 you'll be living a life free of that mistake.

Don't look at what you've invested already. Look at what you still have on the line. Do you want to continue to gamble your life and your children's future with someone who is so callous and selfish with your heart, your children, and has so brazenly risked your health?

Is he a safe bet?

fourever posted 8/29/2013 16:06 PM

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Listen though, It was not you who was making a mistake. You always did what you thought was right, out of trust and unconditional love.

He is the one that made a decision to throw it all away, again and again. You don't accidentally fall into some whore's vagina. He made no mistake, he did whatever the hell he wanted at the expense of you and his family. That's not a mistake, that's intentional.

So, do not call what you did a mistake either, ever. You loved and trusted.

This needs to be about you, only you and your children.

He nearly killed you, the mother of his children, with his lies. Make sure you continue to get tested. He made his decisions, and took away your choices. He has a very LONG way to go before you could ever, ever, trust him again.

If your gut screams run, then do so.

PeaceLove187 posted 8/29/2013 16:08 PM

Sweetie, what's done is done. Yes, marrying him was a mistake but we all make mistakes. It's what we do once we realize our mistake that really matters.

You're young and wise and awesome and you can make a life without him. Something wonderful is waiting for you--go find it.

Peace.

confused615 posted 8/29/2013 16:15 PM

(((((dovetool)))))

Rebreather posted 8/29/2013 16:20 PM

You've done nothing wrong but love with your heart and believe the person who you are supposed to trust.

I would suggest not listening to his tears. They really are meaningless, are they not? He talks about how much HE needs you, not about what HE will do to EARN a place in your life. Very telling. He may not want "you", he simply doesn't want his cushy little life to change.

Tread carefully.

dovetool posted 8/29/2013 17:16 PM

Thank you all!

Im just so confused. I feel so weak even considering giving him a second chance.My kids were finally back to normal and happy. He's done things for me that he never did.
I thought we had a great life before too though but I now can look back and see how one sided it was through the 12 years.

Was it my fault because I continued to accept his mediocrty? Made him feel like I was not going anywhere?

He keeps telling me he finally told me to show me that he was trying to make a change and give me what I want which is full disclosure.

He said that he didnt tell me everything because he kept thinking to himself that the past doesnt matter. He cant change it but he can change himself now. If he tells me he was going to hurt me even more.He justified till yesterday and now I back at square one.

I'm just so confused. So hurt, it hurts physically.Im just waste to someone that meant so much to me. A live in housekeeper, babysitter, roomate and whore.Just a fucking tool for him. God I regret it so much right now and at the same time I still have hope. How sick am I?

Rebreather posted 8/29/2013 17:45 PM

I believe there are people who have righted a lifetime of wrongdoing. But it takes a lot of time and a lot of work. It's a major life and personality change.

Maybe look into working on yourself, first. Maybe you are codependant or some such thing. I would recommend YOU become your primary focus, and him and the marriage secondary.

Getting to Happy posted 8/29/2013 22:34 PM

You're young and wise and awesome and you can make a life without him. Something wonderful is waiting for you--go find it.

THIS^^^

It is your choice. This disrespectful treatment stops when you say it does. You have the power.

Your children are young. You are young. I am sorry to say that this guy is damaged goods.

How could he cheat on you the whole time you were married, while you were having his kids... Sorry but he is a douche'.

Whatever you do, please focus on you and your babies. Try to shelter them from the chaos your WH thrives in.

Please, please protect your precious heart.

(((((Dovetool)))))

momentintime posted 8/30/2013 00:53 AM

The problem is if you take him back, once he is comfortable, he will start cheating again. He is a serial and opportunistic cheater. When away from you he has no boundaries when it comes to other women. ONS or co-workers he is up for whomever.

Your kids are settling down, you have adjusted to a new future, sweetie, don't look back now. File, if he is serious about doing the work, you can always slow the D down, but don't stop it right away. He needs to do more than confess to get his family back. Until he can show you positive long term change, don't risk your next 15 years.


edited for spelling

[This message edited by momentintime at 12:54 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

Josephine01 posted 8/30/2013 01:51 AM

moment in time is right (((dovetool))). Every thing that she said. This man wants you to let him back into the house because he feels as if he is now losing this game that he has been playing. You have finally called his bluff. Good for you!!

You are a strong woman. You don't know how strong yet but you are. Since your children are still young and you have many, many good years left. Perhaps you can even find someone else. . . someday. Please think about yourself and work on you. Be strong, we are here for you.

Abbondad posted 8/30/2013 06:28 AM

So sorry, Dovetool,

I lost 12 of the most precious years of my life.

I too think this way. It's normal and natural. But I try not to see it that way. There was no way we could have known what would happen after so many happy years. They changed. We didn't. We will never forget the good times, as painfully clouded as they are by infidelity. Much life and happiness awaits.

All the best...

Laura28 posted 8/30/2013 07:08 AM

Double Post

[This message edited by Laura28 at 7:18 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

Laura28 posted 8/30/2013 07:14 AM

Oh my

I am so sad for you. I just read your whole story on your profile and it makes me so sad.

I don't like to suggest to others that my story may be theirs but in your case I feel I have to.

Briefly, I am 57 years old. A long time ago (maybe 25 years?) I caught my FWH in another woman's house. He gaslighted me, cried, begged forgiveness, swore they were "just friends", he loved only me and would never do it again!

In 2010 I found out that he had never stopped cheating. You can read my story in my profile.

I was about 32 when I found out about the first one. After that our M was good for a while and then he became an abusive pig. I stayed "for the children" and because I always hoped that things would get better. They didn't. Mostly I think because he had his OWs to tell him how wonderful he was and so didn't need to make an effort with his family.

I sincerely hope that when you are in your late 50s you don't look back to now and wonder "What if....?"

There are no guarantees in life. You could stay with him and life could be wonderful or he could continue to cheat and be better at hiding it.

If you head down to "Betrayed Men" you will see that there are REAL men out there who base their lives on values like integrity, fidelity and honesty.

I wish I had left my FWH 25 years ago and found one of them instead of being where I am now.

I am not trying to tell you to do this. I just want you to think carefully.

From what you've written both here and in your profile he is a selfish pig. Do you really think he will change?

BIG HUGS

Laura


NeverAgain2013 posted 8/30/2013 10:46 AM

Well Dove, I guess he thinks since he finally came clean and was 'honest' with you, that he somehow deserves your forgiveness as payment for his good deed.

As the others have said, I think when this much damage has been done, sometimes it's just best to fold your hand and walk away from the table.

I honestly believe that you'll spend the rest of your marriage always feeling insecure, always afraid, always wondering, and always doubting him. And with his history, how could you NOT?

But do YOU deserve to live that way forever? Always wondering, always afraid, never secure?


[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 10:47 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

Painfuljourney posted 8/30/2013 10:55 AM

Bottom line this is up to you. But you are young, you have more life to live. Do you want to do this for 10 more years? Let this be a learning experience. We all have them, no it wasn't a waste of your life.

A factor in all this I think is his schizophrenic mom. He sounds totally messed up, maybe that is why? He needs to figure out his shit. It's not your fault.

Warninglight posted 8/30/2013 17:53 PM

Dont waste the next 12 years. Serial cheater... Please dont wait for the next dday.

Hope2B posted 8/30/2013 18:01 PM

He said that he didnt tell me everything because he kept thinking to himself that the past doesnt matter.

Golly, this crap just BUGS me! It's like people who say this expect a free pass for bad behavior!

"The past doesn't matter, we can start fresh from here" is said to pacify people and not deal with things (reminds me of a couple school administrators when they didn't want to deal with their special revered employee-personal friend being caught in lies).

YES, the past and past actions matter, and the person doing it should be held accountable to the person who's been wronged!

People should beheld accountable, have consequences, and at the very least, I'd like to see some instant karma now and then!

Just from reading your post, my thoughts are that he won't change his behavior, and you already know he lies and cheats. You deserve better, but you have to get to a point where you can make the best decision possible for yourself and your future.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 6:06 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

Thefly559 posted 8/30/2013 18:25 PM

You ask why you got married? For the same reason I did and everyone else in this mess! Don't give up on marraige . I wanted to be married for as long as I could remember I believe in marraige and compromise sure you and I and everyone on this site are far from perfect but whatever religion you took your vows in ,they say the same things ! I have been to a Guyanese wedding a kabala wedding a philipino wedding and more , all the same bottom line better or worse sick or poor etc. you did nothing wrong and your husband is f--ked up . Concentrate on you now let him cry. You are better than that and I don't even know you but I know my cheating stbxw and all the cheaters are in the same boat ! So I feel your pain but I never got a chance to fix anything . mine had an exit affair with no remorse at all ! Not for one second like I meant shit for 18 yrs since we were kids! I wish you the best in whatever decision you choose just read a little about the lies that they all say and the signs they all give it is scary how they are the same. Choose wisely All the best And I am so sorry you are here.

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