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User Topic: Do people get stuck on the loss of fidelity in your M?
Issaquah
♀ 34484
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the past 6 months we have been working hard on R. My WSAH is working hard in a SA program, I'm working hard in it's counterpart - S-Anon, but I just can't shake nor can I find the words to express this loss of fidelity - the something that can never ever be returned. I'm not religious really, but the words that come to mind are sacred, purity, sanctity, specialness, etc. I feel like no matter how much we heal and grow as individuals and as a couple that we will never get that "specialness" back. The moment he first had sex with someone else broke that sacred bond, that I might as well be just a girlfriend. Heck, what would it matter if I had sex with someone else? (No I'm not considering a RA, but really what's the difference now that that vow was broken?)

I'm not sure what to think about these feelings that are coming up. Am I putting too much importance on something that just sounds silly and "magical"? Really it was just sex, big deal right? As well as I have been doing emotionally I just don't know what to make of these feelings? Certainly marriage is so much more that a commitment of fidelity. How do other people cope with this permanent loss in your M?


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 795 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
silverhopes
♀ 32753
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your feelings are your feelings, and there's nothing wrong with mourning the specialness you have lost. I don't have any answers, but I can relate. Still dealing with the loss of specialness too.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3934 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
PeaceLove187
♀ 33559
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Issaquah, I'd lost track of you and have often wondered how you're doing. I'm so glad to hear your H is in an SA program. And I hear you regarding the "specialness", particularly as my H and I were "onlies" before his first A--at least I think we were (who knows if I could ever believe anything he said regarding sex!).

Yes, it hurts to know that he has all these other physical experiences to compare ours to and that he chose to break our sacred vows in that way, but there's nothing we can do to erase that past. Honestly I'm less concerned about the sexual acts than I am his willingness to choose so many deceptions which he knew would hurt me. Hell, my H chose to have unprotected sex with a woman who suffered from both cervical and oral cancer, meaning she undoubtedly had the virulent strain of HPV and he exposed me to it. Lucky me.

I think I just figured out how to get past the thoughts of him having sex with other women---start focusing on the acts which were even worse! But honestly time will erase most of even this pain, as long as you can rebuild your relationship.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 642 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Missymomma
♀ 36988
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Issa - So good to see you here! I am not surprised your WH was diagnosed as a sex addict. Why don't you come on over and join the spouses of SAs thread in I can relate.

As for your question, there is definitely a mourning process! It was really hard for me to accept, I place a high value on fidelity. For me, the main reason I was with my SAWH was because he had always been a family values guy. So, this totally changed the way I viewed him. It took a long time for me to decide that he was someone I wanted to stay with, because without his morals he was lacking the main thing I valued in him. I don't feel now that it is a permanent loss. What we had before wasn't as good as what we have now. Now we have real intimacy and fidelity, not just superficial and I know that is going to deepen over time. You will get there, if he is really doing the work on himself and you are working yourself and healing.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
BeyondBreaking
♀ 38020
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H didn't have a PA, so there was no loss of fidelity. But there is this feeling that no matter what he does, he will never be able to undo what he did.

I know I wasn't the first woman that he was ever with, or trying to get with. But I was supposed to be the last. I'm not the last. So there's this uncomforting knowledge that I am one of many, not the first one, not the last one. It doesn't feel special anymore. Instead, it feels common.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Issaquah
♀ 34484
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the feedback. It's not something that I was thinking about until recently. I've been trying to explain the feeling to my WH and our MC and just can't seem to articulate it properly to either of them. I'm trying not to dwell on it as much and focus on the healing, but it has been coming up lately.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 795 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
OldCow18
♀ 39670
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Losing the innocence of our marriage is devastating. It's a huge hurdle for me too.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Reyna13
♀ 40178
Member # 40178
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way. Everything that once was so special is tainted. Memories, once so special, now I question if they are even true. I hate this so much.


Me-BS 45
Him-WS 45
Married 14 years
1st D-Day August 2009
TT for 4 year
More Affair info August 2013

The wound keeps getting broke open each time he tells me more "truths"


Posts: 20 | Registered: Aug 2013
whattheh
♀ 40032
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I grieved the loss of fidelity and yes I got stuck on that. I've accepted it now and consider it part of our marriage history.

In a way we have 2 marriages. The first one lasted almost 30 years with fidelity. Now we are in our second marriage with a changed sexual history and betrayal mixed in. But this 2nd marriage will also be one of fidelity too going forward or it will end.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 608 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
whattheh
♀ 40032
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I grieved the loss of fidelity and yes I got stuck on that. I've accepted it now and consider it part of our marriage history.

In a way we have 2 marriages. The first one lasted almost 30 years with fidelity. Now we are in our second marriage with a changed sexual history and betrayal mixed in. But this 2nd marriage will also be one of fidelity too going forward or it will end.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 608 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Issa, I am 3 yrs out, in R, pretty much healed, yet I am still heartbroken over the loss of the fidelity.

We have been married forever, and the thought that I will never be able to say we had a 30, 40, 50 yr faithful marriage will always break my heart. He ruined that. It can never be repaired. It simply vanished.

And, the real kicker is, that even if we D'd, and I started over in a new marriage, at 55, i simply do not have enough years left to replace what has been destroyed, even if I found a faithful partner.

It is an issue that I have never been able to resolve.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 34 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Nohopeleft
♀ 40356
Member # 40356
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get stuck on this as well. I truly believed we had what it took and were going to be one of those couples married forever and never having to deal with infidelity.

Now to find out my WH hasn't ever been faithful to me...I can't even begin to process what that means.

I feel like our marriage never existed and if we continue to go forward, we will be starting over and the last 18 years don't count as they were a total lie.


Me: late 30s Husband: late 30s
M 14 years, T 18
C: 8 and 10

DD 1: 3/12 numerous PA from 95-05 resulted in me confessing to brief PA prior to marriage

DD 2: 4/12 RA with prost.

DD 3: 11/12 RA with old professor

Hoping for R but doubtful


Posts: 33 | Registered: Aug 2013
nomistakeaboutit
♂ 36857
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Loss of fidelity is a very big deal, second only, in my mind, to loss of trust.

Certainly marriage is so much more that a commitment of fidelity.

This is a bit like saying, "Certainly a job is so much more than not embezzling."


Also, I don't see why you're having a hard time expressing this to your feeling of loss, sadness and disappointment due to the loss of fidelity. Who would not be able to understand, especially when you're able to express this:

the something that can never ever be returned. I'm not religious really, but the words that come to mind are sacred, purity, sanctity, specialness, etc. I feel like no matter how much we heal and grow as individuals and as a couple that we will never get that "specialness" back. The moment he first had sex with someone else broke that sacred bond,

How do you get passed it? I'll leave that for others to address, since I wouldn't know.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 968 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not something that I was thinking about until recently.

Do you have more time to "think" now that your children have returned to school?

Perhaps you can replace this one, new thought pattern/behavior with another more productive behavior?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Dallas2
♀ 28362
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes and yes. I actually suggested a D and live together. My M isn't what it was supposed to be. The loss of fidelity is soooo Big.

He renewed his vows on our Anniversary and he was very emotional. I was moved by his emotions but his word and promises are a different matter. I felt emptiness.

The best way for me to get past the infidelity is knowing he was broken and I am not his judge. Although he may feel like it at times.
Marriage is much more than a coomitment to fidelity. I beliebe honor, cherish, protect and let no one tear assunder are all part of it.I feel we lost all of that and we are working on them all.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes it can be a sticking point in R. We were our onlies, and it was crushing to me that it was never going to be that way again.

However as we healed, and improved, in the grand scheme of things, it started to be a non issue. This may seem bizzare, but hear me out.

My H and I knew each other since he was 16, and me 14. We had been together since I was 15. We had gone through a lot of lifes struggles prior to Dday, and we have had even more since. But at the end of the day, week, month, year, decade, who is by my side and has my back? My H. Who has his? Me. The person he became when that A happened was not the guy I had known for the past 20 years. He was mean, self centered, ugly, and unhappy. That guy is gone and my H returned, and he returned healed and strong.

So yah I won't be his only, and he broke a sacred vow, the purity is gone, but what it is replaced with is a quiet, firm, unrelenting strength. I AM the only one he chose to spend the rest of his life with. I AM the one he looks to for strength, support, and love when the world beats him down, and the same is true for me.

So yah it is forever changed, but in the end, we are the ones we choose to be with, we are the ones that truly love each other, and for me that's much bigger than one simple act of affection, and intimacy.

i hope this helps....
(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8889 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So yah I won't be his only, and he broke a sacred vow, the purity is gone, but what it is replaced with is a quiet, firm, unrelenting strength. I AM the only one he chose to spend the rest of his life with. I AM the one he looks to for strength, support, and love when the world beats him down, and the same is true for me.
Beautiful TN.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 34 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
brokendancer7
♀ 39911
Member # 39911
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a thought that runs through my head often. For the first 15 years of our marriage, we were each other's only partners. Then fWH had a torrid affair and almost left me. It took a LOT of work and thousands of dollars worth of therapy, but I got over it. As some of you have said, it was a new marriage. Our friends were always saying they wanted what we had. Another 15 happy years.

Then came the long distance EA. More therapy. Times seemed good to me again. A new-ish marriage.

Then in April I discovered another full-on PA with someone less than half my age. The fidelity of our marriage has now been hit with a baseball bat and run over by an 18 wheeler. There is no specialness left. No "us". I wish I'd known we had an open marriage. I'd have had some fun too. We're spending even more $ on therapy. I used to KNOW we'd be one of those little old devoted couples. I've started looking at active, independent old ladies as role models. I just don't know...

I hope all of us can find some peace of mind somehow.


Me: BS - 58
Him: WS - 56
Married 34 yrs

Latest DD - April 2013, PA


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jul 2013
Issaquah
♀ 34484
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've think what triggered me to start thinking more about it was that last week was the 1 year antiversary of DDay.

His first PA was 14 years ago, so it's not like this is something new to me. For all those years I swept so much under the rug that it's now that I a finally letting myself feel it.

So yah I won't be his only, and he broke a sacred vow, the purity is gone, but what it is replaced with is a quiet, firm, unrelenting strength. I AM the only one he chose to spend the rest of his life with. I AM the one he looks to for strength, support, and love when the world beats him down, and the same is true for me.

So yah it is forever changed, but in the end, we are the ones we choose to be with, we are the ones that truly love each other, and for me that's much bigger than one simple act of affection, and intimacy.

I love this and hope to get to this place of acceptance in time.

When we got married I really did believe that during our vows we were making a spiritual union - not just a promise to each other that we'd be faithful, but something bigger. Spiritual union was the words that I was looking for.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 795 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
hopefullromantic
♀ 16652
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I grieved that loss and really still do, as if I had lost a loved one. Being onlies, it was something that I consciously thought about and treasured before the A and now it is gone forever.

But I remind myself of something my H's grandmother had said when H and I were first married. Something to the effect of, "sure you are in love and happy now, but you have never been tested". Well, now we have been. We withstood the test. We may no longer have the purity we once did, but like the difference between a pure metal and an alloy, we now have a strength we never had before. That's still something to treasure.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1804 | Registered: Oct 2007
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