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Take it personal, detaching, vacillator and avoider

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blakesteele posted 8/29/2013 18:10 PM

Much discussion is had concerning 180, BS detaching, and conflict avoiders (lots of WS fall into this category).

11 months in and I am still struggling with how to piece this together. Lately I have been concerned that my detachment from my fWW is NOT healthy....because it feels more like giving up hope then healthy detachment. But, to be fair, I feel more hopeful today then I have in the recent past....so just roll with me here.

I have read the book "How We Love" by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. I am also on their email list. This just came today...thought it worth posting here. After reading their book I am a Vacillator..my wife is an Avoider. Check out the ending...kinda speaks to what I think is could be going on within my marriage.

The Vacillator feels devastated when the “passionate connection” is lost. They feel angry, betrayed, and abandoned as they discover the Avoider’s lack of ability to connect. They do not understand that because the Avoider never experienced close emotional connections growing up, they cannot understand or value what the Vacillator wants. Initially, Vacillators are willing to work hard to get the Avoider to respond and engage. Over time, however, they become increasingly angry when the Avoider is incapable of providing the consistent, passionate connection they desire. Unlike the Pleaser, they voice their anger, further driving the Avoider into a mode of retreat.
The Vacillator goes through a pattern of protest, despair and detachment over and over when their idealized hopes and dreams don’t materialize. Over time they may give up and detach and appear to be a detached Avoider when in fact they are a Vacillator who has given up hope.

End of quote.

They have a CD out that is supposed to give people skills to break this cycle...it is $30...I think I will order it.

Their book "How We Love" is a great read. It is NOT about infidelity, it is about how husbands and wives interact.

NOTE: There are many, many different types of people...so you may not be a Vacillator and your WS may not be an Avoider. This is important as it makes a big difference on how you interact and changes your patterns dramatically! So take this with a grain of salt until you determine what types you and your spouse are. There is an online quiz that nails it down. To be sure I had traits of other types...but Vacillator is my main type....and Avoider is my wifes.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:18 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

blakesteele posted 8/29/2013 18:16 PM

The giving up hope is the dangerous spot.

Sure, giving up hope ends a marriage...but by now that is not my main driver. My main driver is to continue to work on my own issues. If giving up hope stops my motivation to keep moving towards the man I desire to become then THAT is what is dangerous to me.

God be with us all.

TheRealDeal posted 8/29/2013 18:47 PM

thank you for the info about the book BlakeSteele

I'm glad you feel more hopeful today. based on this post and your other posts it does seem you are on the right path.

I took the online quiz and wasn't surprised by my outcome (pleaser). if I can learn more about how pleaser and Avoider interact, then this sounds like another beneficial book for me to read.

Like you, I am working to improve myself; remaking my life from the ground up starting with my FOO.

As difficult and painful as it is, its a journey worth exploring for anyone.

I wish you continued peace in yours.

blakesteele posted 8/29/2013 22:09 PM

You are welcome TheRealDeal. I hope this book helps you better understand your relationship...it is helping me understand mine. Still not sure if what I have is a healthy path, but it is more real....mostly because it is focused on that which I can control....me!

I see you are relatively new to this trauma....will follow your progress.

Peace be with you.

brokensmile322 posted 8/29/2013 22:29 PM

Thanks for this post Blake. I took the test online. Received my results. Suspected highly that my WH was the direct opposite of me.

Had him take the test. Yep, polar opposites. Further reading on the site showed that apparently we can play off each other quite well....and not to our advantage.

Thanks for the suggestion. I will be getting this book.

HurtButHopeful? posted 8/29/2013 22:39 PM

Thanks blakesteele,

Wow....based on your article clipping I'm a Vacillator to a "T."

Will take the test tomorrow and see how it comes out.

Dreamland posted 8/30/2013 01:03 AM

Ok Wow.. I think I am a vacillatior for sure and WH is definite avoider... I will order the book sounds like we need it and the CD. Can you post the link please..
Thanks

blakesteele posted 8/30/2013 04:24 AM

http://www.howwelove.com/blog/vacillator-avoider-core-pattern/2863/

Is a link to the website.

Had him take the test. Yep, polar opposites. Further reading on the site showed that apparently we can play off each other quite well....and not to our advantage.

Yeah brokensmile322...first read through after you both take the quiz is shocking and depressing...just an initial reaction though. As you read in the book this "pairing" is not only common, it is almost a given that it will opposites attract in the traditional sense...but it does speak to how we subconsciously are attracted to people with different traits then we possess....and that works for a while on its own, naturally. But when crisis occurs and we develop expectations on how the other person in our relationship SHOULD react...that is where the problems occur. Have not mastered all of Milan and Kays thoughts...thus my ordering the CD and continue to be on their newsletter mailing list.

They go on to explain how to work through these common impasses....I think the new CD will be even more specific.

This adds to the whole "nothing I am experiencing is unique to me" feeling. Still painful but not unique.

As I follow what is written about a vacillator (me) and an avoider ( wife)....two things jump out at me. First, an affair was almost certainly going to be a part of my wife's life, and MY ways of engaging my wife (whether it was my current one or another woman) would have left me less connected then I truly desired by my own actions. Neither of these outcomes are the fault of the other spouse....it plays out like it has due to our own actions.

As you read the book "like" people don't marry "like" people.

Believe it or not, I think this is healthy. Again, I get the shocked feeling you got after taking the quiz and doing some light reading on the types you and your husband are. My wife has strengths I don't have, and I have strengths she doesn't have. You and your husband are similar. IF we can maneuver through this we can, together, make a stronger team then doing life on our own. Biblical references are made to this same relationship as well....not sure of the line of getting into too much religion so I will stop there.

Besides, I am a "young" Christian.....hardly in a position to elaborate on my relationship with God and to restate His thoughts to others.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:03 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

blakesteele posted 8/30/2013 04:39 AM

For the record....I ALMOST shared this latest newsletter from Kay and Milan with my wife....actually got as far as asking her if she would be open to hearing it. She said yes but continued to read her ereader. I asked her if she could put it down while I read it...she did but I just got the sense she didn't really want to engage.

I made a conscious decision to disengage this course if action WITHOUT losing all hope.

This is good as before this type of interaction would reduce my level of hope I had for our marriage. I believe I disengaged and stayed at about the same "hope" level I was at before this time. Good because I don't have much hope left to lose!!!

A shame though because my wife is not showing me she is getting this dynamic within herself....but that is her journey and hers to change.

I am hopeful the small accomplishment I feel now, after breaking this small part of my unhealthy cycle, will enable me to move into a healthy cycle.

God be with us all.

cantaccept posted 8/30/2013 05:05 AM

Very insightful and I am going to order the book now also.

I took the test two ways, how I believed before and how I believe now.

It made me see I have made progress in this without even knowing!

I am so self critical, feeling like I am getting no where. This made me see I am moving forward.

Thank you.

I am a pleaser, to a very unhealthy level. I did know this but so hard to change. I am often feeling like I am stuck in the old patterns, a constant battle.

It was very good to see in black and white that I am making progress. Something to feel good about.

blakesteele posted 8/30/2013 05:08 AM

NOTATION: I am a mix of types, but vacillator is my strongest area. My wife is a mix of types, but avoider is her strongest type. We both have some pleaser in us...so their ARE similarities.

These similarities shine through when it comes to things such as finances and how to raise our children...we differ on some political views.

Just wanted to clarify this for those members who will just read this post and not investigate Milan and Kay further....if you just read this post you might get the impression you are JUST one type of person....it is far more complex then that.

But for me, working on a complex issue starts with me finding some basic, easy to apply rules to set some ground work....then expand into the intricacies from their.

It works for me so that is why my post is pretty black and white at first....then I get the focus to make sense of the gray.

God be with us all.

blakesteele posted 8/30/2013 05:12 AM

(((cantaccept)))

Nice to hear from you...find it comforting to see you mention black and white in your post...I JUST posted to this string with the same verbiage. We continue to move along similar paths!

You ARE moving forward. I can see it in your posts, glad the quiz gave you more confidence in that. Anything we can do to rebuild our confidence is a good thing....WS and BS alike. This experience rattles both...makes us both question reality.

Cool suggestion to take the test again....with the new wisdom we have gained from this experience. I am totally going to do that too.

I feel a shift, would be cool if it showed up on their quiz. But if it doesn't at least I am more aware of myself.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:14 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

blakesteele posted 8/30/2013 05:15 AM

Oh yeah, my wife turned me onto this book...the only one she has talked with me about really. She got it on her ereader....I ordered the book. That's just how I roll...old skool.

Just felt this detail was important.

cantaccept posted 8/30/2013 07:40 AM

(((blakesteele)))

We do seem to be following similar paths.

I did get off the path for a bit this week. I was blindsided and I am still a bit wobbly from it. It doesn't take much to detour from the forward direction.

I am still struggling with this new info. Creates such doubt in whether I am able to go forward with R. Seems to stir up the doubts about h being able to do the work or even want to. It makes me question him.

I think it makes me want to take control and tell him what he needs to do and ultimately that just makes me feel worse.

Good to hear from you too.

Peace.

blakesteele posted 8/30/2013 10:04 AM

Yep...I ALMOST shared the newsletter with my wife. Took a moment for a quick conference with God...two seconds!really short...decided not to share. It was the right decision...but it felt wrong. "Trying to do something right for the first time is hard."...heard that on a commentary this morning on the way to work.

I, too, struggle with what you struggle with.

But as a vacillator I need to learn to break this cycle....to disengage without losing hope.

But I struggle with "educating" my wife on what Avoiders need to do.

Truthfully, as I read about Avoiders...there is a real possiblity that some people wont have the drive to really face and change what needs to change in sufficient amounts to satisfy needs of others. And what my wife witnessed and experienced in her home growing up was pretty strong...so it Avoider could be deeply engrained in her.

In this regards, I think Vacillators have an easier time with internal changes....not easy, but easier.

I do know I love my wife very much. I sense you love your husband very much. Since I believe we are NOT Avoiders we have the ability to more easily develop compassion for our spouses....and am hopeful this will comfort our spouses enough for them to move further into themsleves and conflicts they need to face within themselves.

I see this is as different then "fixing them"....your thoughts?

I actually get glimpses of how a man and woman can really strengthen each other in life...in the biblical sense....with neither being the dominant controller type. Never really felt that pre-A.

Wisdom is only beneficial when we put it to use. As we know better, we must do better.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:10 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

Undone1 posted 8/30/2013 16:00 PM

Blake,

I just took the test, and I am a vacillator/ WH is an avoider. The description of this combination is spot on and totally describes our marriage. I see now why you said an A was bound to happen. It seems that is true. He avoided and eventually I just gave up drawing him out...felt like if you wanted to talk about something it was up to him, so I let him avoid.

Now we are both having to learn now skills and it is hard. Fortunately the book is a message of hope that we all can change.

crazyblindsided posted 8/30/2013 16:33 PM

This is very interesting and makes so much sense to me now. I just scored highest on vacillator and I think my WH is probably an avoider.

This whole thread sounds like my relationship with WH.

blakesteele posted 8/30/2013 19:15 PM

Glad this resonates with folks. It seems that the vacillator avoider relationship is particularly at risk for adultery.

BUT...that is really because rarely are people fully aware of their coping mechanisms....and even if they are they falsely think this is part of their personality...a part that is just there. Take it or leave it. I don't believe this, and neither do Milan and Kay.

God be with us all.

IGaveItMyAll posted 8/30/2013 19:20 PM

You just described me to a T.... I am losing hope!!!

blakesteele posted 8/30/2013 20:27 PM

((((((( igaveitmyall)))))))

Hang in there man.... am praying for you now. Try to rest....I have been where you are at....it will pass.


Peace be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:32 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

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