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I F'd up for good I think

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SheHatesMe posted 8/29/2013 18:14 PM

Why do I do it to the one I love? Another TT and I don't think there's any starting over. The detail appeared so small to me at the time she kept asking me "is there anything else" that I didn't mention I purchased plane ticket. I bought the ticket on 2/8/13 while I was staying with my brother after leaving our home. I flip flopped on whether I was ending it, needed to separate to figure things out, or wanted to work it out with my GF. I even told a family member that we were broken up but I don't believe I was convinced fully I was. I bought the ticket on a whim while talking to AP to go see her on her birthday in April. On 2/13/2013 my BGF and I had a MC session. The session went so well and I felt so stupid and really found I'd missed her tremendously and made a mistake. We decided to work on our relationship. After that session I told the AP that I was working it out with my GF and we couldn't carry on the A any longer. I was foolish to think we could remain friends since disgustingly enough she was my cousin. (Damn, I still vomit at the thought I did that. I need help.) Anyway, I didn't cancel the flight until the 26th. I waited over a week to cancel. I didn't feel pressure to cancel the flight due to it not being until April. My BGF is convinced I was holding on to it with the intent to fly out there when things calmed down. That's simply not true. But of course she has every right to not believe me. I wouldn't believe me either with all the TT that has come out.

I continue to hurt her with my lies. I know it's wrong to lie to her and yet I held on to this one. I cannot believe I considered this one small and inconsequential. How stupid and utterly selfish of me.

I think she's really done and I cannot blame her. I feel so sad and angry with myself for continuing to do this. I wish I knew the real reason I didn't come clean when asked several times. I see the hurt and pain and rage it causes. I can only imagine I too selfish and protect myself when doing so. I cannot look any lower. WTF? I need help but cannot afford more than weekly IC sessions. Of course that's not gonna help if I don't come clean to her too. I told my IC that last time that I felt I would be judged. What the fuck happened in my past that makes this an issue.

I'm so down and lost all hope of R. My own fault.

stilllovinghim posted 8/29/2013 18:24 PM

So you didn't tell her you bought the ticket or that it took you a week to cancel it?.. Or both?

Just trying to get a clear understanding.

SheHatesMe posted 8/29/2013 18:38 PM

I didn't tell her about buying the ticket. Once that came to light I revealed all about the ticket.

This came out because she really doesn't buy that I've stopped talking to AP. I have but again, cannot blame her for not believing me. She was checking my statements for a purchase of additional talk time on the phone I bought to hide the affair. I didn't get rid of my phone for several months after NC.

stilllovinghim posted 8/29/2013 18:52 PM

Why do you think you didn't tell her about the ticket? Did you not think she would find out? Did you think it wouldn't matter so why bother telling? Did you think it would add more pain? What were your thoughts?

Do you figure, "oh I have this ticket, now things are going good, I can cancell it wheneves, no rush right now" etc.? Then forgot to mention during the time everything was being discovered? How could something that BIG, become forgotten? Dismissed, I understand, forgotten, I'm not buying. This coming from a person who at times forgets her own name and birthday.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 6:54 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

SheHatesMe posted 8/29/2013 19:17 PM

This is where I get confused on my thinking at the time I was not telling after being asked prior. After one TT is revealed and my BGF goes into anger mode, I feel berated and low that I withhold other details possibly to end the anger more quickly. I also did not put much value into this detail because it felt less important to me. I knew it was a stupid choice to buy it but I didn't follow through on it. Somehow that lessened the fact. What a dumb way of thinking. I did not forget the detail just dismissed it. Also stupidly I felt I was sparing additional pain for my BGF. Yet I know more TTs cause more hurt than the one's before. I didn't cancel cause like you said things were going better and I felt no rush. I still had time to not lose my money.

Aubrie posted 8/29/2013 20:01 PM

Well hmm...I think my previous advice on the other thread still applies.

Also, is everything out now? I mean everything. If she asked if you ate a cheeseburger for lunch, did you tell her you had chicken? You gotta get it alllllll out on the table. Each TT will absolutely slay her and take her back to Dday all over again.

How about a timeline? Have you considered that? It will help with the details and "leaving stuff out" issue. Get every single bit of it on paper so your GF has something solid to look at and process.

Just a thought.

stilllovinghim posted 8/29/2013 20:21 PM

What Aubrie said. Write it all out. Even if you think it'll hurt her, if you think its "not a big deal", if you forgot it but now remembered it, if you think she won't care either way, if you're scared of her reaction, etc, etc. All these things have held you back and have now tied a noose around your neck.

Forget trying to think for her. She has her own brain, thank you very much and you'll be damn surprised at what SHE truly thinks is fucked up or not. I made the same poor decisions as you. Holding back out of fear or because I *knew* what my BH's response would be. Look at my sig line TT. Don't be like me and let it drag out that long.

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