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Nicnac posted 8/29/2013 18:33 PM

Since tuesday (dday #2) my WH has been great. He respected my wishes for him to leave and has sent some really sweet text messages.

I had kind of decided to ask him to leave and 180 him until our MC appt, which is this coming tuesday. So I have kept responses on my end to a minimum. As much as I want to say to and ask him, I haven't. He has some things he wants to tell me, which I am dying to know, but I have been strong and told him I am not ready yet.

In the meantime, I have written a letter to him trying to get him to understand what I am feeling and what I need from him. I also have a list of conditions for R, which I think I will add to the end of the letter. I was going to either give it to him this weekend or tuesday at our MC appt.

HOWEVER, today he called so he could talk to our daughter and when he was done our conversation had a completely different tone than our communications the past 2 days. It was back to how it was before he agreed to leave. It was less "I'm sorry and I know I screwed up, but I want to be with you and only you and will do whatever it takes" to "I can't believe you kicked me out of my house".

So, my question is, do I say something to him about it? Do I send the letter now? Or do I try to stick to my 180 and ignore him?

Ashland13 posted 8/29/2013 19:01 PM

If you can stick to your 180, I would try if it were me. It seems almost like he may be trying to get a reaction out of you and try to get you to let go of your 180. I've heard this can happen sometimes.

Don't be pushed if you aren't ready.

Nicnac posted 8/29/2013 19:16 PM

The thing that worries me is that it makes me think something is going on. Or that he's lost the resolve he had to make it work.

Another thing is that he is going to visit his mom in North Carolina this weekend so I won't be able to sit and talk to him. Should I send everything with him?

Dallas2 posted 8/29/2013 19:25 PM

Stick to 180!!
Maybe give it to him during MC. Next time he starts-hang up.

You take care of yourself.

Nicnac posted 8/29/2013 19:28 PM

I am planning to give him the books "Not just friends" and "How to help your spouse heal". Should I give them to him when he picks up our daughter for this weekend's trip, or wait to give him that, too?

AppleBlossom posted 8/29/2013 21:24 PM

If he has lost his resolve, then it didnt take very long, and you cant make him resolved. I would wait at least until MC and see what transpires then. I think if you were to engage now without the protection of a third party, it may upset you.

It sounds to me like he is a bit cranky that you have not fallen under his spell.

Nicnac posted 8/30/2013 13:24 PM

Now he's begging me to just talk to him. He says he misses his family and is trying to give me space but not talking to me and knowing what I am thinking is killing him.

Keeping my 180 is getting hard. NOW do I send my letter ? I want to talk to him, but I'm not sure it's a good idea, since he is leaving to visit his mom this weekend.

WHAT DO I DO???

Reality posted 8/30/2013 13:29 PM

Let him have a weekend away. I mean REALLY away. Don't buffer it by giving him an emotional band aid in the form of extra communication from you.

I know it's hard, Nic. Distract yourself. He needs to understand that his choices have direct and very bad consequences. Better to make that clear now, than face an additional DD later, right?

Reality posted 8/30/2013 13:29 PM

And that means no letter yest, either. Save that for afterwards.

Nicnac posted 8/30/2013 13:56 PM

What if it was a mean letter telling him how much he hurt me and describing all the ways I'm suffering. That will give him something to think about over the weekend...

Or should I just tell him that I'd rather not get into it right before he goes out of town. Let's wait for Tuesday to talk.

I feel like I can't completely ignore his texts. He needs some form of reply.

dontknowwhyme posted 8/30/2013 14:02 PM

Crickets, only crickets. Just hold it until Tuesday. Having someone mediate may help more than it is hurting you to wait.

Nicnac posted 8/30/2013 15:22 PM

Can I at least tell him I want to wait until tuesday to talk. If i don't say something he will probably show up at the house unannounced. I know I can't keep to my 180 if he were here.

momentintime posted 8/30/2013 17:39 PM

Don't give him the letter. Your pouring out you heart, telling him how much his betrayal hurt, etc. will only trigger his defenses and guilt and it will push him farther away.

Right now he is waffling, he wants to come home (sigh) but then it turns into you kicked me out (blaming you, instead of facing that it was consequences for his actions).

Stay the course your on. This takes time and you need to let that sink in for both of you.

He has to find his own way back through fixing himself. Spelling it out for him won't make him get it or want to fix it. Give yourself some time to get stronger, and him time to truly think about the bomb he let off in your M.

[This message edited by momentintime at 5:42 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

Nicnac posted 8/30/2013 18:29 PM

He broke me. He got me talking about him picking up our daughter tomorrow for a weekend trip and then said some stupid stuff that I didn't respond to because I was on the phone then asked if I was going to ignore him until Tuesday.

This is what I want to say to him right now after he says he is hurting too and knows that I want him to suffer and he doesn't know what I'm thinking because I won't talk to him:

You want to know what I think? I don't think you care, I don't think you're sorry, I don't think you're done, I think you still only see your own pain and how all of this effects you, I don't think you are willing to do what needs to be done to make this marriage work and I'm not sure you really want to, I think you still think this is somehow my fault, I think you are still lying to me and will continue to do so. I think you did it again because what you really want is out of this marriage but are too much of a coward to say so. I think you blame everyone else for your unhappiness but it's really only yourself you are unhappy with. I think you've once again turned this around to be about your pain and how it's my fault. I think you left the house because Ron asked you to, not because I did. I think you are selfish and I don't think you're going to change. THAT is what I think.

Nicnac posted 8/30/2013 19:02 PM

just FYI, I didn't send that previous post to him. I posted it here so that I wouldn't, but I sure do want to.

This morning I got these two texts:

"I miss my family" and "I know that you really don't like me right now and I am doing my best to stay away but please don't leave me in the dark. I hate not knowing what's on your mind. I love you and I miss the sound of your voice."

awwww, right? [jackass]

The later conversation:

WH: Look I know you don't want to talk to me but when it regards our daughter I would like for you to talk, ok?
Me: I am talking to you when it is in regards to our daughter
WH: Do you hate me?
WH: So are you just going to ignore me until Tuesday?
WH: Do you or not
Me: I was on the phone and I don't know what I feel besides hurt
WH:I know you are and I'm hurting, too, ok? I'm daeling with a lot of shit right now, too, ok?

(side note, he isn't talking in reference to the A, he is talking about the IC he is going to because of PTSD and some childhood trauma that he's never dealt with)

WH: What hurts even worse is the fact that you can't even say that you don't hate me
Me: The fact that you are still making this about you tells me that you aren't ready to talk yet. Don't worry about how I'm feeling, you certainly didn't the past few months
WH: I'm making it about us, don't be one-sided. But you obviously don't care that I'm dealing with a lot either. I get it, you want me to suffer and trust me I am more than you know
Me: I do care, but you thinking that I want you to suffer means you don't get it yet
WH: you know what I'm sorry just forget I said anything. have [daughter]'s stuff packed by 8
WH: I don't know what you're thinking because you are not talking to me
Me: I'm not talking because every time we do it doesn't stay on topic and we don't get anywhere. I am waiting until we have someone to guide us

(I realize I should have ended with something more like: I'm not talking yet because I haven't decided what I want. because that is more true then the staying on topic point)

so, how badly did I break 180? I am so mad at him right now. I thought he was getting it. I thought he was remorseful and actually going to do what needs to be done. But now I just don't see it. I don't think he'll ever get there and it kills me :(

Holly-Isis posted 8/30/2013 21:46 PM

I'm glad you see how it's all about him. Even him bugging you, that's disrespect. He's doesn't have a right to know your feelings right now. He gave up that right when he stepped out of the M...and then again when he continued the A.

If he really wanted his family, he'd be taking action. Heck, even if it's just washing your car, something to show he can be thoughtful and loving beyond his own selfishness.

Nature_Girl posted 8/30/2013 21:52 PM

All things considered I think you did really well! Now go back to radio silence except for matters of your daughter & emergencies. Good job!

gonnabe2016 posted 8/30/2013 22:38 PM

Your response to his *do you hate me* question is...."I don't know how I feel about you right now*...

When he says that he has something that he wants to tell you.....tell him to write his thoughts in a Word doc and send them to you.

The thing that I don't like is that he keeps trying to make it an *us* problem, kwim? And that he's self-flagellating. YOU are making HIM suffer. Really?

If you want to share your thoughts, then fine. "WH, you betrayed our marriage and weren't the husband that I *signed* up for. I love who I thought you were and would like to work together to forge a new and authentic marriage. Your betrayal made me feel <xyz> Here are my requirements in order to consider putting this marriage back together. <then list xyz>."

Broken6 posted 9/7/2013 15:33 PM

I think you are incredibly strong. I don't know if I could do it, hold off something I wanted to say, in letter or in person, until the upcoming appt. I am impulsive, and just say what I am thinking. It hasn't always benefited me, and definitely not in this situation. You are doing great - your responses are cool, calm, and collected. I am trying 180, and fall on and off again. I re-read it to remind me. I wish you strength, and send hugs your way. In my opinion, you are doing great! stay strong.

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