Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: 321maison

Just Found Out :
what do I do?

This Topic is Archived
default

 Nicnac (original poster member #40131) posted at 12:33 AM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

Since tuesday (dday #2) my WH has been great. He respected my wishes for him to leave and has sent some really sweet text messages.

I had kind of decided to ask him to leave and 180 him until our MC appt, which is this coming tuesday. So I have kept responses on my end to a minimum. As much as I want to say to and ask him, I haven't. He has some things he wants to tell me, which I am dying to know, but I have been strong and told him I am not ready yet.

In the meantime, I have written a letter to him trying to get him to understand what I am feeling and what I need from him. I also have a list of conditions for R, which I think I will add to the end of the letter. I was going to either give it to him this weekend or tuesday at our MC appt.

HOWEVER, today he called so he could talk to our daughter and when he was done our conversation had a completely different tone than our communications the past 2 days. It was back to how it was before he agreed to leave. It was less "I'm sorry and I know I screwed up, but I want to be with you and only you and will do whatever it takes" to "I can't believe you kicked me out of my house".

So, my question is, do I say something to him about it? Do I send the letter now? Or do I try to stick to my 180 and ignore him?

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2013
id 6468090
default

Ashland13 ( member #38378) posted at 1:01 AM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

If you can stick to your 180, I would try if it were me. It seems almost like he may be trying to get a reaction out of you and try to get you to let go of your 180. I've heard this can happen sometimes.

Don't be pushed if you aren't ready.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

posts: 3034   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2013   ·   location: New England
id 6468118
default

 Nicnac (original poster member #40131) posted at 1:16 AM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

The thing that worries me is that it makes me think something is going on. Or that he's lost the resolve he had to make it work.

Another thing is that he is going to visit his mom in North Carolina this weekend so I won't be able to sit and talk to him. Should I send everything with him?

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2013
id 6468136
default

Dallas2 ( member #28362) posted at 1:25 AM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

Stick to 180!!

Maybe give it to him during MC. Next time he starts-hang up.

You take care of yourself.

Me

posts: 828   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2010
id 6468144
default

 Nicnac (original poster member #40131) posted at 1:28 AM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

I am planning to give him the books "Not just friends" and "How to help your spouse heal". Should I give them to him when he picks up our daughter for this weekend's trip, or wait to give him that, too?

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2013
id 6468147
default

AppleBlossom ( member #38541) posted at 3:24 AM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

If he has lost his resolve, then it didnt take very long, and you cant make him resolved. I would wait at least until MC and see what transpires then. I think if you were to engage now without the protection of a third party, it may upset you.

It sounds to me like he is a bit cranky that you have not fallen under his spell.

posts: 154   ·   registered: Feb. 23rd, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 6468265
default

 Nicnac (original poster member #40131) posted at 7:24 PM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

Now he's begging me to just talk to him. He says he misses his family and is trying to give me space but not talking to me and knowing what I am thinking is killing him.

Keeping my 180 is getting hard. NOW do I send my letter ? I want to talk to him, but I'm not sure it's a good idea, since he is leaving to visit his mom this weekend.

WHAT DO I DO???

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2013
id 6469066
default

Reality ( member #39077) posted at 7:29 PM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

Let him have a weekend away. I mean REALLY away. Don't buffer it by giving him an emotional band aid in the form of extra communication from you.

I know it's hard, Nic. Distract yourself. He needs to understand that his choices have direct and very bad consequences. Better to make that clear now, than face an additional DD later, right?

posts: 292   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2013
id 6469076
default

Reality ( member #39077) posted at 7:29 PM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

And that means no letter yest, either. Save that for afterwards.

posts: 292   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2013
id 6469077
default

 Nicnac (original poster member #40131) posted at 7:56 PM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

What if it was a mean letter telling him how much he hurt me and describing all the ways I'm suffering. That will give him something to think about over the weekend...

Or should I just tell him that I'd rather not get into it right before he goes out of town. Let's wait for Tuesday to talk.

I feel like I can't completely ignore his texts. He needs some form of reply.

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2013
id 6469115
default

dontknowwhyme ( member #21587) posted at 8:02 PM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

Crickets, only crickets. Just hold it until Tuesday. Having someone mediate may help more than it is hurting you to wait.

BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

posts: 1024   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2008   ·   location: Ohio
id 6469130
default

 Nicnac (original poster member #40131) posted at 9:22 PM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

Can I at least tell him I want to wait until tuesday to talk. If i don't say something he will probably show up at the house unannounced. I know I can't keep to my 180 if he were here.

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2013
id 6469220
default

momentintime ( member #16394) posted at 11:39 PM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

Don't give him the letter. Your pouring out you heart, telling him how much his betrayal hurt, etc. will only trigger his defenses and guilt and it will push him farther away.

Right now he is waffling, he wants to come home (sigh) but then it turns into you kicked me out (blaming you, instead of facing that it was consequences for his actions).

Stay the course your on. This takes time and you need to let that sink in for both of you.

He has to find his own way back through fixing himself. Spelling it out for him won't make him get it or want to fix it. Give yourself some time to get stronger, and him time to truly think about the bomb he let off in your M.

[This message edited by momentintime at 5:42 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl

posts: 3163   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2007   ·   location: New York
id 6469356
default

 Nicnac (original poster member #40131) posted at 12:29 AM on Saturday, August 31st, 2013

He broke me. He got me talking about him picking up our daughter tomorrow for a weekend trip and then said some stupid stuff that I didn't respond to because I was on the phone then asked if I was going to ignore him until Tuesday.

This is what I want to say to him right now after he says he is hurting too and knows that I want him to suffer and he doesn't know what I'm thinking because I won't talk to him:

You want to know what I think? I don't think you care, I don't think you're sorry, I don't think you're done, I think you still only see your own pain and how all of this effects you, I don't think you are willing to do what needs to be done to make this marriage work and I'm not sure you really want to, I think you still think this is somehow my fault, I think you are still lying to me and will continue to do so. I think you did it again because what you really want is out of this marriage but are too much of a coward to say so. I think you blame everyone else for your unhappiness but it's really only yourself you are unhappy with. I think you've once again turned this around to be about your pain and how it's my fault. I think you left the house because Ron asked you to, not because I did. I think you are selfish and I don't think you're going to change. THAT is what I think.

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2013
id 6469401
default

 Nicnac (original poster member #40131) posted at 1:02 AM on Saturday, August 31st, 2013

just FYI, I didn't send that previous post to him. I posted it here so that I wouldn't, but I sure do want to.

This morning I got these two texts:

"I miss my family" and "I know that you really don't like me right now and I am doing my best to stay away but please don't leave me in the dark. I hate not knowing what's on your mind. I love you and I miss the sound of your voice."

awwww, right? [jackass]

The later conversation:

WH: Look I know you don't want to talk to me but when it regards our daughter I would like for you to talk, ok?

Me: I am talking to you when it is in regards to our daughter

WH: Do you hate me?

WH: So are you just going to ignore me until Tuesday?

WH: Do you or not

Me: I was on the phone and I don't know what I feel besides hurt

WH:I know you are and I'm hurting, too, ok? I'm daeling with a lot of shit right now, too, ok?

(side note, he isn't talking in reference to the A, he is talking about the IC he is going to because of PTSD and some childhood trauma that he's never dealt with)

WH: What hurts even worse is the fact that you can't even say that you don't hate me

Me: The fact that you are still making this about you tells me that you aren't ready to talk yet. Don't worry about how I'm feeling, you certainly didn't the past few months

WH: I'm making it about us, don't be one-sided. But you obviously don't care that I'm dealing with a lot either. I get it, you want me to suffer and trust me I am more than you know

Me: I do care, but you thinking that I want you to suffer means you don't get it yet

WH: you know what I'm sorry just forget I said anything. have [daughter]'s stuff packed by 8

WH: I don't know what you're thinking because you are not talking to me

Me: I'm not talking because every time we do it doesn't stay on topic and we don't get anywhere. I am waiting until we have someone to guide us

(I realize I should have ended with something more like: I'm not talking yet because I haven't decided what I want. because that is more true then the staying on topic point)

so, how badly did I break 180? I am so mad at him right now. I thought he was getting it. I thought he was remorseful and actually going to do what needs to be done. But now I just don't see it. I don't think he'll ever get there and it kills me :(

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2013
id 6469450
default

Holly-Isis ( member #13447) posted at 3:46 AM on Saturday, August 31st, 2013

I'm glad you see how it's all about him. Even him bugging you, that's disrespect. He's doesn't have a right to know your feelings right now. He gave up that right when he stepped out of the M...and then again when he continued the A.

If he really wanted his family, he'd be taking action. Heck, even if it's just washing your car, something to show he can be thoughtful and loving beyond his own selfishness.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

posts: 11713   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2007   ·   location: Just a fool in limbo
id 6469558
default

Nature_Girl ( member #32554) posted at 3:52 AM on Saturday, August 31st, 2013

All things considered I think you did really well! Now go back to radio silence except for matters of your daughter & emergencies. Good job!

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

posts: 10722   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2011   ·   location: USA
id 6469563
default

gonnabe2016 ( member #34823) posted at 4:38 AM on Saturday, August 31st, 2013

Your response to his *do you hate me* question is...."I don't know how I feel about you right now*...

When he says that he has something that he wants to tell you.....tell him to write his thoughts in a Word doc and send them to you.

The thing that I don't like is that he keeps trying to make it an *us* problem, kwim? And that he's self-flagellating. YOU are making HIM suffer. Really?

If you want to share your thoughts, then fine. "WH, you betrayed our marriage and weren't the husband that I *signed* up for. I love who I thought you were and would like to work together to forge a new and authentic marriage. Your betrayal made me feel <xyz> Here are my requirements in order to consider putting this marriage back together. <then list xyz>."

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

posts: 9241   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2012   ·   location: Midwest
id 6469612
default

Broken6 ( member #40347) posted at 9:33 PM on Saturday, September 7th, 2013

I think you are incredibly strong. I don't know if I could do it, hold off something I wanted to say, in letter or in person, until the upcoming appt. I am impulsive, and just say what I am thinking. It hasn't always benefited me, and definitely not in this situation. You are doing great - your responses are cool, calm, and collected. I am trying 180, and fall on and off again. I re-read it to remind me. I wish you strength, and send hugs your way. In my opinion, you are doing great! stay strong.

The grass isn't greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it.

posts: 58   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2013
id 6478078
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy