1) Note to Moderator's: I was trying to find a link to Maia (Maya's) withdrawal/recovery thread but couldn't. I thought it would be helpful to this poster.
2) This MIGHT help, and was from an SI poster. I found this, as a Wayward, to be like a bolt of lightning. You and your WW's mileage may vary.
I've read quite a bit of Helen Fisher, the anthropologist from Rutgers. She has done some amazing work in the relationship field and attacks it from a very scientific perspective. I just came across this. She found that losing love is an addiction in and of itself. It stimulates the same part of the brain as an addict going through withdrawals. "The evidence is clear that the passion of romantic love is a goal-oriented motivation state, not a specific emotion," Fisher said, adding that the results showed that romantic rejection is a form of addiction, and those coping with these hurtful feelings are fighting an uphill battle against a strong survival system. "There's a whole pathway that when you are rejected becomes activated just as it does with nicotine cravings or alcohol," Fisher says. "These areas are associated with physical pain and decision-making. If you've been rejected, you're in pain, craving this person, trying to figure out what's going on.
Fisher says that rejection causes the neurotransmitter dopamine to wash over the brain, triggering feelings of frenzied desperation that can lead to behaviors such as stalking, homicide, and suicide. "You crave the person who dumped you," She says "You go through withdrawal, you can relapse, and cravings can be sparked months after you think you've gotten over it." The good news is that though it may take a while, the researchers say they found that the greater the number of days since rejection, the less activity showed up in the brain area associated with attachment.
I'm wondering if the pain of break ups can be as much "fantasy" as affairs themselves. I use fantasy in quotes as it never was a term that resonated with me. Whether something is fantasy or reality is rather pointless if the effects are the same thing and feel all too real.
Rejection is such a primal fear for some that I believe many feelings caused by experiencing it can be very easily confused with love, hate, on both sides, when it's the rejection itself that is the catalyst. Just my thoughts and didn't find anything that confirmed this.
3) And this: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=430160&AP=1&HL=39665
I wanted to let you know, Temporal, that I felt acute grief over losing my friend, my "lurrvv", my (fantasy) princess unlike any that had ever graced the planet throughout the known history of man. It was and is a rough process, very much akin to addiction/alcohol withdrawal for an alcoholic/addict (that's also me...and I have almost 19 years sober).
My spouse was someone in early R who I actually leaned on regarding this withdrawal...unfairly, selfishly, mind-bogglingly. That lead to my epic first post here on SI (feel free if you have an empty stomach: "The Cheater who got Cheated on" - Wayward Side - Page 16). I bring that post up as an example of how Wayward "addiction" to AP/xAP can be an incredibly powerful, blinding, and surreal force. My wife is now retired from being my nursemaid, my therapist, my enabler, my shoulder to cry on, my anything with regard to my xAP (my "Poison Princess"). I am in IC, I am here, and I am working on letting go of triggers, resentments and feeling anything for my xAP other than indifference. It is, for me, a process. And time is involved. More time than I wish, I'm afraid. And there's no shortcutting that.
My recovery from that lapse and delusions has been spurred by the strength, wisdom, and blunt help I've received here on SI.
I wish you the best and that you will find yourself on the road to R when time and circumstance dictate. I know none of us Wayward's deserve the gentle, supportive, caring, and selfless unconditional love of our betrayed spouses. But I received just that, and my wife's gift to me, us, our family, and our marriage of exactly that has been an incredibly powerful motivator for me to get myself healed, and bring to the table for her what she deserves more than anything else in the world: my authentic me, living an authentic life.
JD
[This message edited by JustDesserts at 9:15 AM, August 30th (Friday)]