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OldCow18 posted 8/29/2013 18:49 PM

AP could have been anyone but me. That is so freaking painful. Anyone.But.Me. It was exciting, new, he enjoyed the chase, she was different, variety. I've given him EVERYTHING I have to give, but all he wanted was someone that wasn't ME. How on EARTH do you get over the hurt in that?

Now he's all "you don't know what you have until it's gone" Really? That's what you've got after throwing me in the garbage for anyone that wasn't me?

Honestly, do you EVER get over this??

Tripletrouble posted 8/29/2013 18:54 PM

It's the exact same for me. It could have been anyone but me. That has got to be the most ego busting experience I can imagine. I'm getting the same didn't know what I had blah blah blah. Gee, how comforting.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I feel it too and it sucks.

purplejacket4 posted 8/29/2013 18:55 PM

It may have been Anyone. But. You. But it was because He. Is. Broken. Not you. Him.

Hugs.

scream posted 8/29/2013 19:01 PM

I'm sorry you are here. I don't know as a WS if I should respond but your post touched something in me. I know from a year of therapy and just talking with my BS the damage that the A has caused. And then to put in the perspective that you have really hits another nerve. From a lot of reading on here I think WS's do treat their BS's just like this.

It can be an anyone but you situation. Anyone that doesn't know the real WS. That doesn't see their everyday bullshit. And only gets the good that the WS choses to share. And it is a choice. A WS choses to have an affair.

I sorry if none of this helps or makes sense. And I guess there really isn't anything I can say to make it better for you. I do know that my BS and I have made some real progress in our marriage. But as we talked about last night. Its still there. Everyday it may get a little better. But I'm not sure it ever goes away. I hope for you and my BS and every BS on this site it does. But it is up to the WS to make sure that it never happens again. And to love their parnter better than they ever had before.

I wish I could give you better words of incouragement and maybe give you some logical reasons for why these happen but I don't know if I even have them for myself yet. Good luck and best wishes

whattheh posted 8/29/2013 19:03 PM

I know how you feel and spent much time lost in anguish over thoughts like this...

I have recently gotten past this as we have both come to truly understand that this was all about him and not us. It's a new realization which I hope sticks with no regression.

Dallas2 posted 8/29/2013 19:11 PM

That's a dumb statement for a WS to say. Of course the AP could've been anyone but you. You're his wife. I think at first it probably is fun and all that crap, but sooner or later reality creeps in. Once reality hits them, it's not any of those things anymore.

What do you mean all he wanted was someone that wasn't you?? "You don't know what you have until it's gone." Maybe he understands what he has done to you and your M. Have you tried to talk to him about it?

Are you doing the 180? I find it helps, I still go back to it. I may be wrong but give yourself everything.

I myself do not believe the hurt ever goes completely away. I think it hurts less and some days it still hurts a lot. Trigger days are the worst.

It does get better and there are actual days when I don't think about it at all. Time helps alot but sometimes it takes willpower to get through the day.

SoAngryAndHurt posted 8/29/2013 20:26 PM

What I struggle with is why [bold]her[/bold]? What made her so special? The answer is basically what you are saying. She isn't special. She could've been anyone. Anyone under the sun that gave him the time of day. Anything walking breathing and put him on a pedastal would do. Except his wife of course.

Reyna13 posted 8/29/2013 22:06 PM

I have not been on here long enough to give advice, but your post touched me. I'm so sorry for you, praying for you.

Ostrich80 posted 8/30/2013 01:07 AM

I've never seen it worded that way but your absolutely right. I felt that way too when my ws reason was...cuz it was something new and different basically it wasn't old, ordinary me.

Nature_Girl posted 8/30/2013 01:20 AM

I don't know about getting OVER that kind of pain. I do know about getting PAST that kind of pain.

Time
Counseling
Acceptance
Forward thinking

Each of these has been vital to me moving past the trauma. For me, my faith is also on that list, but since we're not a political or "dangerous topics" forum, I'm just mentioning it.

In the beginning (which I count just about as the first year after DDay) I sometimes could only keep myself going for an hour at a time. Just one hour. I'll keep a grip and get through this next hour.

I also vowed to myself that I would do one thing each day, just one thing, that was either good for me, or got me one step closer to healing, or helped me through the divorce process, or was a positive change. Just one thing, even if it was minor. I spent so many years cowering and hiding so I wouldn't be abused, it is still a struggle for me to take steps and keep myself moving in a forward direction.

I'm finding that getting past the trauma, past the pain, past the ugliness and the raw wounds, that's helping me get over it.

There is no way out of hell but to go through it one step at a time.

trumanshow posted 8/30/2013 08:02 AM

Like a book said-they want A BMW (Anyone But My Wife)

painpaingoaway posted 8/30/2013 08:27 AM

It can be an anyone but you situation. Anyone that doesn't know the real WS. That doesn't see their everyday bullshit. And only gets the good that the WS choses to share.
That you for sharing that scream. That's actually very comforting to me.

purplebreeze posted 8/30/2013 09:06 AM

I really felt much the same way.

He had told me for years the following.

"Women over 40 are lucky anyone touches them" (said when we were in our 20's and 30's).
"Women that are 20 pounds over weight or more are lucky anyone touches them".

He got those attitudes from his father.

I gained about 25 pounds in my thirties and noticed that he quit saying those things.

He always told me that he didn't give compliments, and I learned to live without them.

He had his A at about 60 and I found out he was giving compliments to all kinds of women, different ages, different sizes, different looks, everyone it seemed, but me. Seems that he did give compliments to women, just not his wife. He was telling women they were awesome, hot, exciting, etc. When guys on different forums posted pictures of women in various stages of undress, he would post that he would hit that. A certain woman on his motorcycle forum that posts nude shots of herself, he would tell her he would do things to her so well. Then came the woman on the internet that he was sexting. They had huge emails each telling the other how they loved each others bodies and what they would do to each other. He had made so many compliments on her body it was disgusting. The only thing he has ever said about my body is that I was hot when he met me but I got messed that up (makes me feel really attractive). He quit looking at my body and only looked at others on the internet. He didn't touch my body except when during sex and foreplay was all about him, not me.

I had a really difficult time after the A. I had always been told by others that I was attractive and didn't look any where near my age. We had always done activities like hiking backpacking etc and was in good shape with just a few pounds over until I had a medical condition which caused me to gain about another 60 pounds. Even with other peoples opinions, I focused on his opinion and how I was the worst looking woman ever. I was the most ugly, awful woman in the world. Any other woman out there was so much better than me.

It has taken a lot of work to change my attitude about myself. I now see that it was so many different factors in him that made him judge me and other woman at that time as he did. It had nothing to do with me at all. He was wanting the other women to fill the holes within him.

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