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Anyone but me

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 OldCow18 (original poster member #39670) posted at 12:49 AM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

AP could have been anyone but me. That is so freaking painful. Anyone.But.Me. It was exciting, new, he enjoyed the chase, she was different, variety. I've given him EVERYTHING I have to give, but all he wanted was someone that wasn't ME. How on EARTH do you get over the hurt in that?

Now he's all "you don't know what you have until it's gone" Really? That's what you've got after throwing me in the garbage for anyone that wasn't me?

Honestly, do you EVER get over this??

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

posts: 620   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2013
id 6468105
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Tripletrouble ( member #39169) posted at 12:54 AM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

It's the exact same for me. It could have been anyone but me. That has got to be the most ego busting experience I can imagine. I'm getting the same didn't know what I had blah blah blah. Gee, how comforting.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I feel it too and it sucks.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Happily remarried 2018
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.

posts: 1175   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2013
id 6468114
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purplejacket4 ( member #34262) posted at 12:55 AM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

It may have been Anyone. But. You. But it was because He. Is. Broken. Not you. Him.

Hugs.

Me: BS 50
Her: FWS 53 (both family med MDs; together 23 years)
OW: who cares (PhD)
Dday: 10/11: 11/11 TT for months; NC 8/12
Limboconsiliationish
"band aids don't fix bullet holes" Taylor Swift
I NEVER mind medical ???

posts: 3013   ·   registered: Dec. 20th, 2011   ·   location: Here
id 6468115
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scream ( member #36506) posted at 1:01 AM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

I'm sorry you are here. I don't know as a WS if I should respond but your post touched something in me. I know from a year of therapy and just talking with my BS the damage that the A has caused. And then to put in the perspective that you have really hits another nerve. From a lot of reading on here I think WS's do treat their BS's just like this.

It can be an anyone but you situation. Anyone that doesn't know the real WS. That doesn't see their everyday bullshit. And only gets the good that the WS choses to share. And it is a choice. A WS choses to have an affair.

I sorry if none of this helps or makes sense. And I guess there really isn't anything I can say to make it better for you. I do know that my BS and I have made some real progress in our marriage. But as we talked about last night. Its still there. Everyday it may get a little better. But I'm not sure it ever goes away. I hope for you and my BS and every BS on this site it does. But it is up to the WS to make sure that it never happens again. And to love their parnter better than they ever had before.

I wish I could give you better words of incouragement and maybe give you some logical reasons for why these happen but I don't know if I even have them for myself yet. Good luck and best wishes

posts: 317   ·   registered: Aug. 16th, 2012
id 6468119
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whattheh ( member #40032) posted at 1:03 AM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

I know how you feel and spent much time lost in anguish over thoughts like this...

I have recently gotten past this as we have both come to truly understand that this was all about him and not us. It's a new realization which I hope sticks with no regression.

Retired & now in 60's-M 39 Yrs-DD 2013-TT for 3 yrs (new details incl there had been 3 more MOWs)--all this started with porn use for mid 50s WH (felt he was possessed)~~Cheating and aftermath is huge time waste with high opportunity cost~~

posts: 1547   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 6468124
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Dallas2 ( member #28362) posted at 1:11 AM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

That's a dumb statement for a WS to say. Of course the AP could've been anyone but you. You're his wife. I think at first it probably is fun and all that crap, but sooner or later reality creeps in. Once reality hits them, it's not any of those things anymore.

What do you mean all he wanted was someone that wasn't you?? "You don't know what you have until it's gone." Maybe he understands what he has done to you and your M. Have you tried to talk to him about it?

Are you doing the 180? I find it helps, I still go back to it. I may be wrong but give yourself everything.

I myself do not believe the hurt ever goes completely away. I think it hurts less and some days it still hurts a lot. Trigger days are the worst.

It does get better and there are actual days when I don't think about it at all. Time helps alot but sometimes it takes willpower to get through the day.

Me

posts: 828   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2010
id 6468131
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SoAngryAndHurt ( member #40150) posted at 2:26 AM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

What I struggle with is why [bold]her[/bold]? What made her so special? The answer is basically what you are saying. She isn't special. She could've been anyone. Anyone under the sun that gave him the time of day. Anything walking breathing and put him on a pedastal would do. Except his wife of course.

Me BW
Him WH
2 kids elementary school age
Married 12 years
05/20/13 I confront and TT begins
07/01/13 The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

posts: 89   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2013
id 6468205
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Reyna13 ( new member #40178) posted at 4:06 AM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

I have not been on here long enough to give advice, but your post touched me. I'm so sorry for you, praying for you.

Me-BS 45
Him-WS 45
Married 14 years
1st D-Day August 2009
TT for 4 year
More Affair info August 2013

The wound keeps getting broke open each time he tells me more "truths"

posts: 20   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 6468319
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Ostrich80 ( member #34827) posted at 7:07 AM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

I've never seen it worded that way but your absolutely right. I felt that way too when my ws reason was...cuz it was something new and different basically it wasn't old, ordinary me.

BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

posts: 5738   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2012   ·   location: midwest
id 6468459
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Nature_Girl ( member #32554) posted at 7:20 AM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

I don't know about getting OVER that kind of pain. I do know about getting PAST that kind of pain.

Time

Counseling

Acceptance

Forward thinking

Each of these has been vital to me moving past the trauma. For me, my faith is also on that list, but since we're not a political or "dangerous topics" forum, I'm just mentioning it.

In the beginning (which I count just about as the first year after DDay) I sometimes could only keep myself going for an hour at a time. Just one hour. I'll keep a grip and get through this next hour.

I also vowed to myself that I would do one thing each day, just one thing, that was either good for me, or got me one step closer to healing, or helped me through the divorce process, or was a positive change. Just one thing, even if it was minor. I spent so many years cowering and hiding so I wouldn't be abused, it is still a struggle for me to take steps and keep myself moving in a forward direction.

I'm finding that getting past the trauma, past the pain, past the ugliness and the raw wounds, that's helping me get over it.

There is no way out of hell but to go through it one step at a time.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

posts: 10722   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2011   ·   location: USA
id 6468465
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trumanshow ( member #25624) posted at 2:02 PM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

Like a book said-they want A BMW (Anyone But My Wife)

remarried 11-15-15

Her prize is a man who ran out on his wife and children. His is a woman who is too stupid to understand that she is not special, she is simply there.

posts: 1784   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2009   ·   location: Clover, SC
id 6468654
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painpaingoaway ( member #27196) posted at 2:27 PM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

It can be an anyone but you situation. Anyone that doesn't know the real WS. That doesn't see their everyday bullshit. And only gets the good that the WS choses to share.

That you for sharing that scream. That's actually very comforting to me.


D-Day June 2009
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

posts: 7192   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2010   ·   location: Coastal South
id 6468678
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purplebreeze ( member #31611) posted at 3:06 PM on Friday, August 30th, 2013

I really felt much the same way.

He had told me for years the following.

"Women over 40 are lucky anyone touches them" (said when we were in our 20's and 30's).

"Women that are 20 pounds over weight or more are lucky anyone touches them".

He got those attitudes from his father.

I gained about 25 pounds in my thirties and noticed that he quit saying those things.

He always told me that he didn't give compliments, and I learned to live without them.

He had his A at about 60 and I found out he was giving compliments to all kinds of women, different ages, different sizes, different looks, everyone it seemed, but me. Seems that he did give compliments to women, just not his wife. He was telling women they were awesome, hot, exciting, etc. When guys on different forums posted pictures of women in various stages of undress, he would post that he would hit that. A certain woman on his motorcycle forum that posts nude shots of herself, he would tell her he would do things to her so well. Then came the woman on the internet that he was sexting. They had huge emails each telling the other how they loved each others bodies and what they would do to each other. He had made so many compliments on her body it was disgusting. The only thing he has ever said about my body is that I was hot when he met me but I got messed that up (makes me feel really attractive). He quit looking at my body and only looked at others on the internet. He didn't touch my body except when during sex and foreplay was all about him, not me.

I had a really difficult time after the A. I had always been told by others that I was attractive and didn't look any where near my age. We had always done activities like hiking backpacking etc and was in good shape with just a few pounds over until I had a medical condition which caused me to gain about another 60 pounds. Even with other peoples opinions, I focused on his opinion and how I was the worst looking woman ever. I was the most ugly, awful woman in the world. Any other woman out there was so much better than me.

It has taken a lot of work to change my attitude about myself. I now see that it was so many different factors in him that made him judge me and other woman at that time as he did. It had nothing to do with me at all. He was wanting the other women to fill the holes within him.

DD Jan 16 2011

posts: 399   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2011
id 6468715
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