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Newest Member: MadLib34 (61874)

User Topic: How to deal with best friend's wife
♂ 38595
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So the story goes like this:

Five years ago I was in another relationship (not the woman I am with today). We were together maybe a year and a half. During that time, the woman I was with became somewhat involved with another woman. I wasn't happy about it, not because I saw it as cheating, but more because I wanted to be a part of it. Yep, I know, twisted (with hind sight).

I argued with the both of them about wanting a threesome. Never got one, but I did find myself one night sleeping between the two of them. I did kiss this other woman and spooned her, while we slept.

Skip ahead a few months, I broke up with that girlfriend. The other women went on to date and marry my best friend. Neither of us telling him, what had taken place between us. I even was their best man at the wedding.

So four years later, I'm with the most amazing woman. My BGF. I've spent a good part of this relationship lying, and had a ONS. One of those lies was about my best friend's wife. I never told my BGF about our being intimate. I allowed this woman, and my friend into our home, slept at our home, and have continued contact with this woman under the guise that she was like a sister to me. In other words, I lied to my BGF and my BF. I also would chat with this woman through texts and on facebook. Maybe talked on the phone a few times. I even was trying to get my BGF and myself to run out and meet her for coffee one night, because she was passing through town (they live out of state atm). I want to stress that I have no feelings for her. She's my BF's wife. My BGF doesn't believe this.

She recently sent a text to me on the 4th of July..."Happy 4th of July! Miss You!". This was the point where I explained the whole story to my BGF. And of course she's upset, says the both of us were deceiving and she feels this woman was getting her ego stroked knowing I had wanted this threesome with her years ago. That there is no way in hell this is a sister/brother relationship.

I agree.

So my question is how do I handle this with my friend? I've taken this woman off of facebook, I never texted back. And I won't answer any calls of hers. It's not like she reaches out often, but because she's my best friend's wife, she does contact me. And we see each other from time to time.

I see my BGF's point, and I don't care if I ever see this woman again. She's nothing to me. But my friend means a lot. What if my BGF and I marry one day? How do I handle this woman? My BGF wants her no where in the picture. She feels that because I lied about her, she has no place in our lives. I agree, but could really use some advice as to how to make this happen.

I am open to everyone's suggestions, PLEASE... BW/BH, WW/WH, everyone.

Posts: 242 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 18622
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no advice for your situation because as a fBW, if I were your BGF I would demand that all contact be severed; point blank, period. And I wouldn't give a flip about your best friend or the loss of that relationship because you and the woman have been lying by omission to all parties involved.

Now having said that - given the subject of your previous thread I have to wonder if you are still in text communication with this woman and IF YOU ARE, is this who you were texting earlier in the week when your BGF received your text and thought it was meant for someone else?

I know it's none of my business but curiosity is getting the better of me.

[This message edited by Chicky at 7:47 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Givers need to set limits because takers never do.

Posts: 930 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Planet Earth
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would tell my BF the truth. I would leave it up to him if he wanted to continue a friendship with you or not. However, you have to be NC with his wife. How a friendship like that would work is hard to say.

The rule for having a healthy relationship is to only have friends that are friends of your marriage/relationship. Your BF did nothing to harm your relationship.

I wouldn't worry about a future wedding. Cross that bridge if you get to it, kwim?

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 13452 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
♂ 38595
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To ease your curiosity. The text that I sent my BGF was to my BGF and only her. July 4th was the last time I heard from my friend's wife

Another problem I see coming from all of this is If it ever comes to my friends attention. How do I protect my BGF. I know they are going to think its because of my GF, and that she's making me do all of this. I've changed so many things in my life. Removed some of the people and have taken stands I never did before. I've already dealt with them immediately accusing her, calling her crazy (to me), and almost acting like they are worried about me. She shouldn't have to take the fallout from all this. She's been through enough. Yet I see my friend's reaction being one where he is mad at her, thinking she's coming between me and my friends. I can and will say it has nothing to do with her, that this is my choice and how I want to better things...but I know he won't buy it. Is she going to have to carry this shit too?

Posts: 242 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 29971
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you tell your friend and are honest, then he will either do one of two things (possibly more)

(1) He'll handle his shit. He'll appreciate you coming to him as another man and as his friend and in return will honor your request. He will be a true friend and not give you grief.


(2) He'll do what you fear. Blame it on your GF. What then? Who's relationship do you value more? If it comes down to it and he decides to blame your GF & what not, are you man enough to dump him as a friend, or her as a partner? I gave up 2 "besties" amongst other things due to their toxicity as have many other members here.

Figure out what is right and honorable and stick with it.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 12:24 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1944 | Registered: Oct 2010
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

because she's my best friend's wife, she does contact me.

I'm sorry - this does not have to be a given. I don't regularly communicate with my husbands' friends outside of group settings. He doesn't communicate with mine.

Proud mom to a lovely young lady and a sweet little boy.

Posts: 8447 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Southeast US
♀ 36915
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here.

You have zero reason to have any contact whatsoever with this woman. Being in contact with her is a slap in the face of your BGF. It is disrespectful and cruel to both your BGF and the woman's H. You may lose your friend over this = consequences for cheating.

I also don't see why your friend should go off on your BGF -- if you tell him the truth, then why would be angry at *her*? *You're* the one at fault.

Does your friend know anything about your previous relationship with his wife? If not, why not?

Do the right thing. No contact whatsoever with this woman. Demonstrate to your BGF that she's first in your life.

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 1020 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You were "intimate" with your BF's wife (before their M), then stood up at their wedding. BF's not aware of this, and may not know his wife is sending "Miss You!" texts, and you two "maybe talked on the phone a few times."

And you're worried that your BF will be mad at BGF?

He must be some friend, because were I you, I'd be more worried about an ass kicking. Not that it should deter you from being completely honest with your BF.

Does BF know you cheated?

You seem to be putting your BGF's needs ahead of your own, and that's good right now. Have you and BGF established official boundaries for your relationship? For example, no Facebook messaging with people of the opposite sex?

fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
Former motto: "Fake it till ya make it." Now: "You can't win if you don't play."

Posts: 1523 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: The First Coast
♀ 38020
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Few things:

1) Does your "friend" still not know about the time you made out with and spooned his wife?

2) Why did the two of you feel the need to keep this a secret? If he wasn't dating her when you two did this, I am very confused about why it was hidden in the first place.

3) The communications you have had with her since her getting married- have they been inappropriate?

4) Why did you feel the need to lie by omission and not tell BGF about this woman? You say you feel nothing for her because she is married to your friend...why lie? Certainly your BGF knows you were with others before her? You might want to consider why you felt the need to lie about a previous sexual encounter with this woman.

5) You brush over the face that at some point in your relationship with BGF, you've had a ONS. That's a pretty big deal- foes BGF know about this?

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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