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needhelptoday posted 8/29/2013 20:10 PM

I want to make things right between my wife and I and I want to show her this through my actions and my feelings that I'm deeply remorseful for what I did to her, but not only that... I want my wife to know and feel that I can change to be a better person and be someone she can truly love and want to be with and not have to worry that I will do this to her again as long as I live..

I remember a scene from the notebook that she showed me that I want to share with the readers because this scene is very powerful and I want this feeling of connection and love with my wife..

Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.

Young Allie: So what?

Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.

Young Allie: What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.

Young Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?

Young Allie: It's not that simple.

Young Noah: What... do... you... want? Whaddaya want?

Please give me some guidance that will lead my down the right path back into my wife's heart because I desperately seek this!

Please share your views and opinions!

[This message edited by needhelptoday at 8:12 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

1DumbHusband posted 8/29/2013 21:57 PM

NHT: I'm actually a WH but thought I would respond to tell you what I am doing to prove to my wonderful BS that I am making changes. For the first time yesterday, she said she can see that I'm proving to her I'm serious about the changes. It's a small step and we're on the rollercoaster just like most new couples here, but it gives me hope and resolve to keep doing what I'm doing. For me, one of the things I did before DDay was that I had too many hobbies. I played hockey, tennis, went hunting/fishing, shooting at the range, played golf, etc. I have since cut all hobbies out except for one. Part of what got me here was going online and looking at porn or talking to women off Craigslist or wherever. I have vowed never to return to those sites ever again, and the wife installed a key logger on the computer and runs an index.dat file to view my browser history. And just to be fully transparent, we review browser histories from computers, phones, iPads, whatever. My amazing BS says that every time we review and she doesn't find anything new, it helps her just a little bit more. I have also tried to look for new ways o show/express my love for my beautiful bride. Whether it's kissing her more passionately when I come home, dancing with her before bed, or singing a song to her at night...I do whatever I can. The singing is awful, but she says she likes it.

Hannelore posted 8/29/2013 22:18 PM

BS here. Get ready for some heartbreak. Years of it, most likely. Your wife is destroyed right now. Probably barely able to function if she's moved past the initial shock. Get some help for both of you. Treat her with kid gloves, tell her everything she wants to know, and do not lie to " protect her!" Make sure she eats and drinks, crawl around on your belly in shame and remorse, help around the house, with the kids... the bills, laundry... become transparent, no fun and games for you while your wife grieves her heart out.

You killed your marriage, so to speak, she has to have time to grieve and mourn this great loss.
Marriage counseling did not help us, perhaps made things worse. Read my story for more info.

Our situation was similar, he had an affair with a co-worker. We own a small business, I found out i went home and went to bed. I

[This message edited by Hannelore at 10:35 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Hannelore posted 8/29/2013 22:44 PM

Sorry, using kindle to post.... aaargh!

I haven't been back to work at our business since that day.

Almost 2 years later I am hopeful we might make it. He is a level 1 sex addict and we both have FOO issues so its been tough. This kindle is driving me nuts, but if you are willing to do the work and want to save your marriage, it is possible. Until a month or so ago I knew it was over! If we can make it this far perhaps you can too. Sorry about the disjointed reply ...
Lots of good inf on this sight, use it! I wish you both the very best.

[This message edited by Hannelore at 10:46 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Hannelore posted 8/29/2013 22:47 PM

PS- dumb husband's advice is right on the money! Good stuff.

painpaingoaway posted 8/29/2013 23:05 PM

First NHT, let me say, that by joining this site, and TRYING to do the right, has set you going in the right direction, so kudos to you for that.

****Edited....I will PM you instead*****

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 11:12 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

painpaingoaway posted 8/29/2013 23:14 PM

Well, darn, just realized you do not have PM's activated.

Oh well, If you want my answer, you'll have to PM me I guess.

ccw82 posted 8/30/2013 20:24 PM

BS here (I am actually 1DumbHusband's BW).

Some days it is really hard to hate 1DH. He does all of those things he talked about, and MORE. He almost refuses to let me lift a finger around the house anymore! It worries me sometimes that he'll come to resent me, but he insists that he does it because he WANTS to because he LOVES me, not because he feels obligated to.

He also went NC with the porn, prostitutes, Craigslist, flirting with other women, everything after DDay. He has completely turned around and I truly want to believe that he is on the road to becoming a changed, better husband and father.

Nevertheless, there are days that absolutely cut through my soul! I can't believe it took him having sex with someone else (a f*cking prostitute of all people ), and me finding out and being so devastatingly close to leaving, that he realizes all he has and is about to lose. There are still days I burst into tears and want to run screaming to any lawyer that will listen to me because I just want to get away from the pain! But something inside me tells me to stay (for now). It doesn't make the pain go away, but seeing 1DH's sincere remorse as he weepily apologizes day in and day out does help and let me know that he is SERIOUS about being sorry for what he did, and SERIOUS about wanting to change.

I will put a disclaimer on all of this -- I am FED UP with this foolishness! 1DH knows that I am done with the infidelity, the secrets, and the TTs. ***IF I FIND OUT ANYTHING NEW -- PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE OCCURENCES OF INFIDELITY -- THE KIDS AND I ARE LEAVING FOREVER.*** I gave him one final opportunity to spill it ALL OUT on the table at once. I cannot say this enough...DO NOT HOLD BACK. If your BW wants to know all of the details, then for crying out loud, GIVE HER ALL OF THE DETAILS! Every time you TT, the wound gets a little deeper and hurts a little more because she's thinking, "Not only is he going to cheat on me, but now he's going to continue to lie to me, too?!?" Don't do that to her, you've done enough already! If you were man enough to cheat on her, destroy her soul and kill her marriage, then man the f*ck up and admit the whole truth at once! (Sorry if I sound bitter, but I went through 3 months of TTs with 1DH and I am serious when I say I am FED UP!)

More than anything, just be there for her. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Try to feel the pain she is going through! Be the man she thought she married, and if you really love her and your marriage, don't give up!

ccw82 posted 8/30/2013 20:33 PM

One more thing!

Offer to sign a post-nuptial agreement. Maybe it'll help ease her mind, maybe it won't. But in any case show her that you're willing to put in legal writing that if you f*ck up again, at least her and (if you have any) the kids will be financially protected, although this will do nothing to protect her heart. It might show her that you're willing to gamble your financial future on the fact that you will change, and stay changed FOREVER.

Hannelore posted 8/30/2013 21:56 PM

Ccw2 - I want my FWS to be like yours. Mine has a way to go, and so do I.

Tough day and night. So glad you guys are here and posting. I'm not having a pity party, just resigned.

(((Lame group hug)))

LifeIsBroken posted 8/30/2013 22:17 PM

Don't lie. About anything. Ever again.

5454real posted 8/30/2013 22:20 PM

As a BH 18 months in I hope my perspective is not viewed in the wrong light.

What if it's over? What if your A has ended your M? Are the changes you are making in yourself going to continue?

Here's the thing, I've reached a point that demands she change herself to become a safe person for me to be with. I don't want those changes to be because I need it, rather that she realizes she wants it for herself. She wants to be a better/safer person for her.

Are you ok with that? Will you make those changes for you and not to save the M? Can she see that?

TxsT posted 8/30/2013 23:44 PM


I went and read your story before posting. I think I have heard from your wife once or twice about her side of things too.

You need to be extremely open and honest with your wife.....all the time, every day. You need to check with her often and no more Saturdays!!!!

I really believe IC and MC are a great idea. If you can only afford 1 type you need IC in a big way.. A list of your failings might also encourage your spouse tO open up to you. Write all the tHings you don't like about yourself out on a chart. If you don't do any of them give yourself a star. Also ask your wife to draw up a list of things you can do for her to make her feel safe and loved. Whenever you do one of these behaviours also put a star next to it. The charts help remind you what you feel you need to work on for yourself as well as the things .you can do more often to help show your wife you love her. She can also see by the charts and stars how you improve and do better.

This idea came out of one of my books that I read...."after the affair by Janise Abrahms. Maybe you should buy it and read it.....that's also a gift you can do for your wife. Anything, any little action that show her you are thinking of what you have done, or how you want to change will help improve your situation.

One thing avi want to say though is as a BS, if my husband ever tries this stunt again he is out the door. Prepare yourself for a long slow climb!!!


TxsT posted 8/30/2013 23:47 PM

Oh, almost forgot.....start sharing her interests and invite her to share some of yours. What you do outside of the usual things also shows you are interested in her and what she likes to do.

In our case I took up golf which is something my hubby really enjoys and for his part he has taken up biking with me in the mountains. This way we share something each of us enjoys while maintaining a balance of time that doesn't make either of us feel left out.


Lionne posted 8/31/2013 00:09 AM

Great advice you have been given. I'll add mine... If she is anything like me, if your story is anything like mine, she is feeling like crap, like you just trashed her totally. That you were loving, kind and respectful to other women, and horrid to her. That you rejected her and chose them.
So. Choose her. Be overtly romantic. Tell her frequently that you love her and WHY. Find out what she is most likely to feel insecure about and reassure her. Often. For as long as it takes, as much as it takes. And then do it all over again.
One thing I think WSs don't ever get, no matter how much they work at it, is the utter devastation that infidelity has on the soul of the BS.

JustDesserts posted 8/31/2013 05:09 AM

One thing I think WSs don't ever get, no matter how much they work at it, is the utter devastation that infidelity has on the soul of the BS.

scaredyKat: I respectfully disagree.

My observations here on the Wayward side suggest the majority of "trying to heal" wayward's here on SI are painfully aware of and PROFOUNDLY "get" exactly what you state ALL wayward's "don't ever get".

End t/j

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 5:20 AM, August 31st (Saturday)]

jb3199 posted 8/31/2013 05:52 AM

Exactly what 5454real said.

Yes, you want your wife back, you want her to be able to trust you again----I get that. But what you really have to do, and this will probably be the the toughest thing, is to let go of the outcome.

You have to get better for you first. If you aren't improving to be safe for yourself, how will you be safe for her? Besides that, the affair may already have been a marriage killer, and she may not see it yet. There is a lot of processing to do. But you have to accept that, and grow from it, if it turns out to be truth.

This is coming from a guy four years out from initial discovery, but 2 years from the last D-day. But the bit of hope that I want to give you is this:

I was done in June 2011. Upon last discovery(WW is a now recovering alcoholic), I dropped her off at detox, and honestly didn't care if she ever came back home. I mean that---after 19 years of M, 15+ of it very good, I was done. Lawyered up, divided finances, and was ready to blow up everything, because the outcome had to be better than the current hell I was in.

When she did come home, I told her calmly, and with absolute clarity, that there was no change in my mind. We are finished, but you sure as hell better get working on yourself for you and your children. I was then out of the equation.

But that is exactly what she has done. To this day, she is consistently working on finding her old self, and putting her children's concerns and her recovery first---because she has to in order to stay on her path to recovery.

And I find myself still here, amazed by her committal, but still a little emotionally distant, until I feel that I am safe with her. I went from full steam ahead with divorce, to being very close to recommitting, all by actions she has done NOT to win me over, but to win herself over---to become the person she used to be....if that is ever possible.

Moral of the story---if you are more concerned of winning your spouse back than becoming the best that you can personally be, your relationship is doomed. Believe me, if you are working on yourself, she will notice. And if she wants to stay, it will be because you are making yourself a safe partner to re-engage with...not someone trying to win her over.

eachdayisvictory posted 8/31/2013 10:46 AM

I think that quote from the notebook means that she wants to know that you won't cut-and-run or make another mistake when things get tough, as they are bound to in a lifetime. Our (BSs) faith in anything (spirit, people, morality, goodness) has been rocked to the core, and we search for things to believe in, or at least a thread of belief in our spouses. I think she could also be expressing a tiny bit of understanding for your situation? And, I don't think there is any way for a FWS to truly 'get' what it feels like to be on the betrayed end. Very few BSs understand what's happening to them. Even though we have read and talked like crazy, there are still days when I am driving and realize that I don't know where I've gone, or missed my destination. I am a smart woman who is open to change in myself and want mental health for everyone involved in the trauma of this affair, yet I still feel insane sometimes.

SI Staff posted 8/31/2013 11:00 AM

needhelptoday will not be returning to this thread so we are going to lock it up.

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