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I Triggered Her

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TimeToManUp posted 8/29/2013 22:12 PM

I feel like shit. TCD and I had a saddening, but not unpleasant or angry, discussion about her triggers and about a post she had made in the Recon forum. When it was over, she left the bedroom and went into the bathroom to cry. After a minute or two I went in to comfort her. For some reason, as I rubbed her back, I said "It's OK, {insert pet name that she wishes I had never used with OW because it was the only one she liked and can now never be called again}." I don't know why I said it. I haven't called her that in almost a year at this point. I didn't say it as some attempt to "reclaim" it (as she said in her Recon post, she doesn't believe in reclaiming things from the OW). I don't know if it was a mixture of being dead tired, having a terrible head cold, and having the word fresh in my mind, or if it was a Freudian slip of sorts, because she will always be my only true {pet name} and it was what I wanted to call her. In any case, I upset her terribly with that. I caught myself halfway through, but that was halfway too far. She stormed downstairs and ran through the first floor to get her shoes on and go to the gym. I tried one last time to console her and ensure her that I understood why she was upset and that I was sorry for having called her by that name. She just kept repeating "Don't call me {pet name}." I certainly have no intentions of it! I am so sorry for having hurt her. I love her so much and she has lost so much. I swear there was nothing more to my use of that name other than a slip of the tongue harkening back to our pre-A life. I'm so sorry TCD... I love you.

soconfusednow posted 8/29/2013 22:45 PM

I don't know about your BW but for me just hearing or seeing the pet name my WH used for her will set me off. I pray I never hear him say it.

Whenever a trigger sends me out the door it's because the pain is to intense to handle. Leaving the situation temporarily is a matter of survival.

The best thing is when I return home my WS gives me a few minutes then asks me "Are you ready to talk about it or do you need more time?"

stilllovinghim posted 8/29/2013 22:49 PM

Damn it. This shit sucks, huh? I do believe you. I do. I once made a "joke" about "poser" to my H thinking that he'd like it. Well, he didn't. Fuck.

For a very, very long time after that I didn't make any negative comments or jokes about "poser" and my H thought it was because I still had feelings for him. No, I was just afraid to make any more comments or jokes about him since I fucked up. But this was like, 2 yes later when my H found out why I didn't make jokes or comments.

By that time he understood why, but shit if 2 hrs isn't a long time for a "misunderstanding" to continue, huh?

Sorry I don't have much advice to offer. Just know I've been there. Sometimes our best intentions end up being our worst enemy.

Hopefully you two can work this out. Give her time and space and when she's ready, some love.

Eta: I hate my phone....I'm so seriously.... It was 2 Years, not 2 yes, not 2 hours.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 12:10 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

TxsT posted 8/30/2013 01:32 AM


I can empathize with your post and I am a BS. For me so confused answer
Whenever a trigger sends me out the door it's because the pain is to intense to handle. Leaving the situation temporarily is a matter of survival.

The best thing is when I return home my WS gives me a few minutes then asks me "Are you ready to talk about it or do you need more time?"

Says it all for me too. I am well aware that my triggering sends my hubby into purgatory hell over the A. His shame and remorse hits record highs. We have talked about triggers so much just the word trigger is a trigger now!!!!!!

But I am such a changed person now that I have very little ability to take on more pain. It overwhelms me. Not that I run out anymore. I will actually stop and tell him I need some space to get over the pain of the trigger. I also make sure that he k OW's not to take the trigger personally, unless of course he has done something intentional to cause the trigger.

In the beginning my hubby himself was a huge trigger for me. My IC helped me to explain to him how each trigger made me feel and why the event or item was a trigger in the first place. As we move forward my H had been able to help me avoid triggers all together. It is this forethought on his part that is very endearing to me. He would never have cared before I don't think.


[This message edited by TxsT at 1:33 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

TimeToManUp posted 8/30/2013 11:39 AM

TCD won't talk to me. In addition to being upset that I called her {prt name}, she is upset that I posted that she is my one true {pet name} because if that were true, I never would have used it with OW. I understand her feelings. I understand why she hurts. All I can do right now is respect her wishes and leave her alone. This all hurts so much, but it's my own fault, so I have to keep the ol' chin up and soldier on. Why the f**k did I go and let that stupid f**king word slip out?!

1DumbHusband posted 8/31/2013 03:06 AM

It was a mistake and one you can learn from. It slipped because you got caught up in a moment where you forgot how terrible we've (WSes) been and you subconsciously went back to pre-A normal thoughts. I had a similar slip due to misspoken words earlier this week. It's going to happen. We just have to learn to be more sensitive to the triggers and learn how to choose our words more carefully. I have to remind CCW that I don't always say the right things the first time...especially since I'm trying to be brutally honest. I feel your pain and wish you the best for helping TCD through it. As always, I'm happy to return the favor if you need to talk!

TxsT posted 8/31/2013 17:41 PM

No one is perfect Time!!!! Cut yourself some slack. I tell that to my RWH all the time now. I am going to trigger maybe for the rest of my life. I tell him it is a fact of my new world. Yes I resent that it has to be this way but I deal with it and move on.


tired girl posted 8/31/2013 17:55 PM

I agree with Txst,

I hate that I trigger, I like that my H helps me the right way. Your W has a choice for her own life on how she wants to view things.

TimeToManUp posted 8/31/2013 23:00 PM

Thank you all for your support through this rough patch. Things have been good for awhile, so this felt a little extra painful. We seem to have made it through. SI has been very helpful in keeping me on track since I finally straightened my ass out after far too long on the wrong path.

TxsT posted 8/31/2013 23:06 PM

Time....every bump feels like hell. We all feel it, and we feel each others pain as well. I wish you luck and I know that, with everything I have read you have done, your wife is lucky to have such a grounded WH....even if it took you a long time to get there. I have read that for all the time you make this hard at the beginning it takes that long to get past it in the end. So buckle up and ride the waves as best as possible.


ccw82 posted 8/31/2013 23:16 PM

I know it's hard at times, especially when you're tired or mind is in another place, but unfortunately you have to work extra, EXTRA hard to stay diligent and try to avoid those triggers. It sounds like you've been doing a good job of helping TCD so far, but every now and then there will be a slip up. Make sure you're there to catch her when she falls!

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