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Bluebird26 posted 8/30/2013 01:25 AM

Just wondering others opinions.

If your were the BS and you have/had a new partner and your children hated the new partner would you end the relationship?

NaiveAgain posted 8/30/2013 05:03 AM

It depends on their reasoning. If they had good reason (such as new partner was mean to them, totally ignores them, or treats me badly, then I would need to end it.)

If there is jealousy involved (such as feeling they are losing time with me) then that is an issue that needs to be worked out with the child. I would not drop a partner though if it was just because the child did not want me to date.

I have a right to some happiness in this life. It is my job to raise my child, keep them safe, teach them how to get by in this world, teach good values and be a good role model. However, I feel that it is dangerous to give a child too much power over my own happiness and life. When my kids turn 18, they leave home and go on to college. They move on and I am stuck with whatever life I've built while they were with me. If I've built a satisfactory life, then the empty nest syndrome won't be as excruciating. I don't want my children feeling guilty when they leave me alone and I also want to teach my children they have a right to pursue some happiness, even after they become parents.

I think it is dangerous to give too much power to a child. It messes up the natural order of thing and I think it tends to raise entitled/narcissistic people.

So again, it really depends on their reasoning.

Bluebird26 posted 8/30/2013 05:40 AM


I had my ex throw at me "if you had a man the kids didn't like you wouldn't just dump them" . My reply of course I would my kids are my top priority. He told me that was BS basically. He has recently run off and married OWupteen and didn't tell the kids till after it happened and then announced it on fb and can't understand why the kids don't feel important to him. There is a million more reasons this is only one of them.

The kids hate the OW, they insist on having nothing to do with her and yes she is mean to them. Has no understanding (neither does the ex) of our special needs child and his issues.

I then had a co-worker who I was discussing the issue with and she said there is no way she is putting her life on hold for her kids. They have to deal with it and if they don't like a partner then that is too bad for them.

My kids have been put through the wringer the ex is NPD. I am the stable parent and have to prove to them that they come first every time. I have to sacrifice everything including my own needs to make them happy. To me that is what parents do.

I want to put them first, how do you get a right balance because I am of the opinion they come first and my life should be put on hold until they feel happy and secure. I am not looking at dating right now but don't even feel it is within the realm of possibility with my youngest son's special needs and my alone time is almost non-existent.

Amazonia posted 8/30/2013 06:49 AM

I'm not a parent but IMHO, putting kids' needs ahead of everything and putting kids' wants ahead of everything are different. A relationship like your ex's may be emotionally detrimental to the kids, especially if they know the backstory. But you may meet someone who is not in essence bad for the kids, who encourages you to make them a priority, who takes things slowly and handles them right, and depending on the kids, it may not make a whit of difference. Some kids don't want their parents to move on or date ten years after divorce, or twenty, even when they're out of the house. At some point, it seems like the parent should be allowed to have their own life and move forward even if the kids don't like it.

hexed posted 8/30/2013 08:11 AM

I had this discussion with my son when I started dating. I told him if I was dating someone that he didn't like that I wanted him to tell and if possible tell me why.

I also told him that just because he didn't like someone didn't mean I would quit dating them but I would consider what he had to say. I also told him if there was ANY sort of physical or verbal abuse I would dump who ever it was instantly.

There was more to the conversation but I wanted him to know be very confident that I would listen to him and his opnion counted. However, I didn't want to be manipulated by a teen who didn't happen to like the world that day.

nowiknow23 posted 8/30/2013 08:57 AM

...didn't tell the kids till after it happened and then announced it on fb and can't understand why the kids don't feel important to him.
Bluebird - wasband just did something similar, although it was an engagement announcement on FB and it is not with an OW. It was up for a month before my DS saw it, and he was definitely hurt that he didn't rate being told personally. I'm so sorry your kids are having to deal with this same kind of crap. It's so hurtful.

I, too, have a special needs kiddo, and it does complicate matters. I hesitate, however, to agree that your life has to be put on hold completely.

I personally would not be a good mom if I didn't take care of myself, and that includes recharging, socializing, and doing things that feed my soul. I'm not dating and have no immediate plans along that front, but I do make a point of scheduling time with my friends, time alone, and time doing things I enjoy. I think it's important not only for myself, but for my kids as well.

((((Bluebird & littles))))

NaiveAgain posted 8/30/2013 23:30 PM

I am the stable parent and have to prove to them that they come first every time. I have to sacrifice everything including my own needs to make them happy. To me that is what parents do.
I think this is one of the dangers of being a single parent, especially when you are coparenting with a narcissist or some other type of idiot. We then feel we owe our kids more to compensate. What we end up doing (and I have seen this over and over and have started down the wrong path myself) is to overindulge them, sacrifice our own lives (nothing like role modeling martyrdom to make sure we really mess up their adult lives...)worry that it is our job to make our kids happy (it isn't...that is being codependent....our job is to give our kids their own tools to find their own happiness. If we provide their happiness, they will come to expect that it is the job of others to make them happy. That leads to a very frustrating life).

It is important (actually, I feel crucial) that part of the stability we DO need to provide is showing that we are stable enough to take care of our own selves. Even if they have total whackjobs for the other parent, they still need discipline and boundaries. They still need to be told no sometimes. They still need to earn their own "wants". And they need to understand and accept that we have a right, as parents and plain old human beings, to have friends, partners, dates, and fun ourselves. Obviously not to the exclusion of spending time with our children....they do need to know we have unconditional love for them and that we enjoy spending time with them also, but it needs to be tempered and balanced.

Bluebird26 posted 8/31/2013 01:27 AM

That being said how do you balance your life then?

I see so many threads on here where people are EXWS bashing about their choice of relationships (me included), or they are selfish, or them not putting their kids first. However, I do put my kids first, even before my own needs/wants and apparently I am raising children who are going to be NPD or controlling or co-dependent. If I put myself first I am selfish. I just don't get it.

I am incredibly strict with my children they don't get what they want 100% of the time. They have to work for the things they want. I do provide what they need as needs are essential. They have to do chores, they have perform to a high level at school to keep doing their sports and outside activities.

I really don't understand how I can have my own life, when I have my kids 28 days a month. The ex refuses to take any responsibility, refuses to help at all.

My schedule is up at 5:45am, take my youngest to his before school carer, be at work by 7:15am work till 4pm, then ds therapy appointments or oldest ds afterschool sport training & travel (sometimes up to an hour each way travel), generally home by 7pm, dinner then they do homework, the kids do their chores and get themselves organised for school the next day. They go to bed. I then study, do housework, then off to bed by 10pm (if I'm lucky) and rinse, lather, repeat.

On weekends that I am kid free (maybe once a month) I will try and meet up with friends, normally have to help my mother who is house bound and then do some study or errands.

Whilst it might sound like i'm making excuses but it's the truth I just don't have time for a life right now. I also think it would be incredibly difficult to meet anyone and sustain any type of relationship, it's hard enough maintaining friendships. Maybe once my youngest is a bit older and hopefully a bit more independent things will get a bit easier for me.

I honestly don't get it, how am I supposed to do it all without hurting people I love.

NaiveAgain posted 8/31/2013 21:35 PM

You have to do what is right for you. There isn't one particular formula for parenting as a single parent.

A lot of it is trial and error, and finding what works for you and your family. And I'm not saying not to put your children first....I'm just saying make sure you have some type of life that is your own, even if it is just a half hour a day to do something you really enjoy, like read, take a bubble bath, take a walk, etc....whatever you can fit in.

I worry that sometimes because of the pain of finding ourselves single and the guilt we feel over the children having to deal with split up parents, sometimes we may throw our entire lives into our kids and ignore taking care of ourselves.

That being said how do you balance your life then?
It IS difficult. Some days I am not successful and sometimes I feel my life is work, work, take care of family, school, work, sleep. I know I have to work very hard to make sure there is some fun time in there and some "me" time, but I know I suffer and so does my family if I don't make that kind of time. I'm not as pleasant to be around, I lose some of my life energy, and the kids don't need me to micro-manage every aspect of their lives.....

I'm learning I can be a good, strong, stable role model and a good parent and still date, have a hobby, and read a book once in a while....

Bluebird26 posted 9/1/2013 00:07 AM

thanks NA.

I guess I want to be able to do it all and there aren't enough hours in the day for it all sigh....

Kajem posted 9/2/2013 05:38 AM

Some times being super busy with kids IS your life! Doesn't mean it will always be that way. The kids do grow up , can be left alone for a few hours to attend a book club meeting or a lunch with friends or a date. It's ok to have that chunk of time filled with something at the moment. It isn't forever, I hope anyway. It sounds like school will eventually end and you'll have more time on your hands to do other things you love.

While I strive for balance in my life-sometimes it looks more like keeping the pendulum from swinging to far from one side to the other.

Good luck,

damncutekitty posted 9/3/2013 19:21 PM

He has recently run off and married OWupteen and didn't tell the kids till after it happened

He is with the OW. He has no right to erven try to compare his life with yours. The OW deserves for your kids to hate her and he has no right to expect his children to like her. He should try earning back his children's respect before he makes any demands on them.

jadasae posted 9/4/2013 06:41 AM

My kids (who are all older) and I have an agreement..we are a family first and foremost and everyone else is an addition...if we feel that a new partner is not a good match then we say so and that has to affect decisions. Before I started dating my new husband I talked to them about it and made sure they were ok...if they hadn't have been it wouldn't have gone further..boyfriends/husbands may come and go but my kids are forever. Having said that they are older and would never object unless they felt there was a problem, and we all recognise that sometimes you are too close to see the reality. We trust each other to reality check and so far its working, 2 daughters and mum in loving stable relationships...looking for suitable DIL

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