SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Recycling posted 8/30/2013 01:55 AM

Two months ago I learned that behind my WS' very sudden "it's not you, it's me" break up speech followed by a week of VERY suspect behavior, he was having an A with his co-worker. Oddly enough, I found out through the OW.

My STBH, the OW and I all work in the same incestuous industry, which means we know a LOT of people in common. Karma acted swiftly here because it turns out that the OW has a reputation for being “the OW.” She told people that she was just using my STBH because she thought he had money (he does not), and when trying to get him to buy her stuff didn’t work out, she split. Apparently she had other married BFs that were more lucrative, and that is her agenda.

The OW laughed at him to her friends, saying he was weird, awkward, overbearing and old. This eventually got to me through mutual friends as it made the gossip rounds.

Apparently STBH didn’t know she was doing this until I had the distinct pleasure of informing him of what was being said about him, and that he was currently the butt of the industry’s gossip.

I’ve been reading the posts here for awhile now, and I think it’s wonderful that many BS and WS are trying to work things out. Best of luck to you all.

My STBH did not try to ask for forgiveness or try to salvage our relationship. I’ll admit that the relationship with STBH was not in a good place before this happened, and I likely would have left the marriage. Either way, it hurts me that he still cannot own up to what happened and talk to me about it like an adult. I’ve asked him nicely to help me understand his thought process through everything and now, but he can’t face it (but he hasn’t denied it either). An acknowledgment and apology would really help me move on.

I’ve always suspected the A leading up to him leaving me. After finding out through the OW, I could finally tie my suspicions together with proof. The late nights, receipts I found, ATM withdrawals from odd places, and most importantly the super sketchy behavior all made sense. Technically my STBH left me for the OW, but that backfired on him in a bad way.

I’m currently seeing a therapist, reading related books, and trying to move on with my life. I am working with attorneys through the divorce and keeping myself busy. I still have a lot of ups and downs. The hardest part is doing it alone – I’ve read that in cases where the WS and BS try to work things out, the WS helps with the healing. I’ve tried to ask by STBH to help me heal as a friend (not to get back together) but he refuses or is unable to because he can’t own up to what he did.

It’s unfortunate, but those are the cards dealt to me. All I can do is take one step at a time.

Thanks for reading my story.

isadora posted 8/30/2013 05:05 AM

Welcome

Even if he was capable of apologizing and explaining his thought process, its not going to make any sense. Keep working in IC detach and go NC with him. That will help with your healing more.

Hang in there

homewrecked2011 posted 8/30/2013 05:27 AM

Yes, it is hard to realize the person we loved will not support us thru this. Just yesterday my XWH denied having the affair. I have come to realize that a man who would have an affair, won't seek help, is not capable of helping me thru anything. Once I stopped trying to get his support, realized the person I married had disappeared, and began to heal on my own, I was able to make progress.

Sorry you are here.

alphakitte posted 8/30/2013 06:25 AM

Your healing isn't dependent on him.

My WH did not help me heal. like your xSTBH (I think with the x in front that's an oxymoron ) he can't face what he's done. I regret the time and energy I spent waiting for him to help me heal.

Years later the manner of thinking that lead to adultery is still acting out. Not in adulterous ways (I think, anyway) but in other manners. Apparently promises mean nothing to my H's kind.

Don't look back. It isn't where you are heading.

Recycling posted 8/30/2013 14:14 PM

Thanks for the encouraging comments everyone. You are right, I need to stop trying to get what the STBH (or is the correct acronym STBX?)is unable or unwilling to provide. This forum, books and my friends have all been a tremendous help.

The hardest part for me is to stick with NC. I'm angry and do not want to get back together with the STBH, but I'm still adjusting to him being completely out of my life.

Thanks.

dontknowwhyme posted 8/30/2013 14:36 PM

I'm angry and do not want to get back together with the STBH, but I'm still adjusting to him being completely out of my life.

Use that anger to guide you through the upcoming process. Time will help you adjust for his absence.

BTW I believe the right acronym would be STBXWH.

[This message edited by dontknowwhyme at 2:37 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

Recycling posted 8/30/2013 15:00 PM

BTW I believe the right acronym would be STBXWH.

Wow, that's a long acronym!

Ashland13 posted 8/30/2013 15:36 PM

I'm sorry, Recycling.

Our stories have many similarities and also some differences.

NC is hard, terribly hard at first, but what has helped me in an odd way is Nearly ExH himself-every time he's rude it pushes me away further and helps me to go a longer while without contacting him.

It's gotten to be where it's primarily him contacting me now and as my fog lifts more and more, it seems as it should be. After all, he told me to F off, basically, but the shock was huge and he was not truthful.

When or if he shows kindness, I am quite leary of it now, even though for a long time I wished he would. It took many months to understand that he is not my friend any longer or on my "side", and he was never planning to tell me that changed. I share the story a little to try to say that I understand and have empathy for what you are going through.

It's devastating to realize that a person we thought we knew is now basically unrecognizable.

If there is not remorse coming to you from STBXWH, then don't bother to look to him for healing any more. It will actually help, I bet, even though I find there can be withdrawal symptoms with NC at times.

On SI they say, "No New Hurts" and that's brought me a very long way.

I wish you peace.

Recycling posted 8/30/2013 16:04 PM

Ashland, thank you. I'm sorry you went through something similar too, as I know first hand how horrible it is.

I feel like I'm following in your steps in recovery, and it's good to see that there is hope further down the road.

When you said:

When or if he shows kindness, I am quite leary of it now, even though for a long time I wished he would.

That really hit me. You're right, for some reason I do want him to show kindness after all this, but I want to get to a point where I don't want it.

Thanks for sharing :)