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Question about telling the other BS

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Alyssamd24 posted 8/30/2013 05:06 AM

I am going to tell my XAP BW about the affair. But I have no proof of anything...No emails or texts and I need to prove to her I am not making it up cuz I am sure XAP will deny it all. Any suggestions on what to use for proof?

Also, although I am set in my decision to do this I am hoping to hear stories from BS who were told by the their WS AP or their spouse. How did they tell you? Did you believe them? Are you grateful they told you?

[This message edited by Alyssamd24 at 5:07 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

SandAway posted 8/30/2013 06:30 AM

Tell her something that only she would know - a birth mark perhaps, type & color of his underwear. Tell here where you had sex, how often, when if you can remember, things he told you that only you or his wife would know.

We wrote an email to her work account. It was easy enough to find by knowing where she worked. You do not want him to intercept the email.

[This message edited by SandAway at 6:30 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

Hrtbrken1 posted 8/30/2013 06:37 AM

Alyssa, just tell her. You don't need to hunt down proof, it kind of sounds like you're stalling. If your AP denies it, well, that's on his head. I've kept up on your posts, and I think you're starting to move in the right direction.

If she chooses to believe you or not is up to her. Be kind, and honest, and answer any questions she will have. Don't expect her to be grateful. You just have to pull up your big girl panties and accept the consequences.

Good luck, and start doing the hard work. I would also consider having a private talk with your boss if your concerned about any backlash. Apologies go a long way.

authenticnow posted 8/30/2013 06:39 AM

Please discuss your approach with your BH before you do anything and make sure you're on the same page and that if/how you do it is something he's comfortable with.

My BH didn't want to tell OM's BW. That was his decision.

Kelany posted 8/30/2013 08:10 AM

Do not do NOT do *NOT* put your emotions into it. Do not make excuses. Do *NOT say, it just happened. OWN your part, do not place blame completely on him.

Be factual. Tell her when it started, when it ended. Tell her when/where you had sex. Tell her when the sex ended, but the emotional part continued. Tell her when you began NC and that your husband knows and that you will no longer be a part of her marriage or life.

APOLOGIZE without a *BUT*. APOLOGIZE without a bunch of "you can hate me, I don't blame you, blah blah blah." Just apologize sincerely.

Be factual, but offer to answer questions if she wants. Tell her you will never contact her husband again. Tell her you are changing jobs.

Expect her to be shocked at first and not know what to say, but that her anger will come after. Expect that she may very well out you at your job, but those are consequences of your actions. I would definitely tell your boss first, privately.

Please please please tell her. Be kind to her and tell her.

Kelany posted 8/30/2013 08:15 AM

FWIW, my husband's AP's did *NOT* tell me, however, I *DID* tell one of his AP's spouses.

He was not surprised. He knew something was off, he suspected an affair, he just didn't know who it was with. He was heartbroken, just like I was. He thanked me for telling him (though he would not have thanked my husband, that I know). He had a few questions for me, such as how they communicated (text mostly), if his wife talked to my husband in Spanish or English (she is Hispanic) and how long it lasted. Otherwise, I think he was just in shock.

7yrsflushed posted 8/30/2013 08:26 AM

You should discuss how you are going to tell and who will tell with your BH. I got an anonymous email from the other BW months after I found out. She had my kids name in it, my STBXWW's place of employment and some info about a confrontation they had a the job. If I hadn't already known it was enough to make sure I knew at that time. It was enough info to be credible and she left a contact number if I wanted to aks more questions.

If you think she won't believe you add some info that she can't ignore that you know from your interactions with her WH. Things like what kind of car he drives, trips you took together and dates, his phone number, when you called, what the inside of their house looks like if you were there, where pictures are in the house. There are things that you can tell her that she can't just blow off and neither can her BH. While painful the describing birthmarks on the WH thing will work as well.

Also just be straight up with her. Don't make excuses. Tell her you will never contact her WH again and you wanted her to know what was going on. You can leave a way for her to contact you if she wants further information. Be prepared for possible consequences like her trying to get you fired. You should inform your Supervisor or HR department if there is one.

I wish you the best and I'm glad you stuck around and are still working at it.

TxsT posted 8/30/2013 09:14 AM

As a BS I thought you might like to hear a different side.....

I think I agree with everyone who mentioned to talk to your BS first. That way, if the other BS contacts them they are not blindsided by the event. I am pretty sure there isn't a BS here that wouldn't be great full that their WS would take this action.....for me it would have helped solidify that my WH was owning up to the his behaviour. May I also say, and I say this with great compassion for you, what a wonderful gift to give the OBS. This action could be the one thing that helps them personally through their own struggles. Depending on how you conduct yourself when telling the story you could be cementing the path the OS starts down on their own journey.

I have to agree with others that you need to be as factual as you can. I was the one who actually called the OBS in my situation. Prepaid yourself for the unexpected.....especially if you call them. This was the single hardest phone call I have ever made because i knew the information I had was about to change someone's life FOREVER. I also agree that the best approach would be to leave feelings out of the equation. Facts are the best info to give because they are the most hardest to get from WS's. All you have to do is read a few posts in the other forums to know that BS's need facts. It is the way their minds relax and stop festering over the situation. Every BS is different in what they want to know but I will assure you the more you can tell will help them immeasurably. And including your own commitment is also an incredible gift. You are in essence helping the BS to know that at least from your end things will stop.

The single most important thing I want to say is live up to the words you will say or write the the OBS. Don't do this and still contact your AP if you say you won't. A BS has enough on their plate worrying about the state of their own marriage and their own spouses actions. Throwing yours into the mix and then going back on what you say or write could damage the OBS worse then they already are.

I hope your BS appreciates what you are trying to do. I hope they are at a place where they can understand the enormous gift you will be giving.


heforgotme posted 8/30/2013 09:31 AM

You don't need proof. It is not your job to convince her, only to inform her.

What Samantha said was perfect. Be factual and don't try to justify what happened.

Good luck. I was scared when I had to do this and I was the BS. Just know you are doing the right thing.

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