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3 Years Later, Not Sure What To Do

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jzkc1502 posted 8/30/2013 07:13 AM

So I guess I'm not a "just found out", however I feel like I've swept the problem under the rug this whole time pretending like I could get over it and now I'm not so sure.

The story: 4 months after we got married I was paying his cell phone bill and Googled a phone number. It turned out to be an escorts number from CL and After canvassing through months of phone bills, from about 1 month before marriage (April 2010) through August 2010 I found HUNDREDS of these different phone numbers he had called, texted, and picture messaged (both sending and receiving). Some numbers were called only once, and didn't look like the call lasted more than a minute, which may have been voicemail...and then some were several minutes long. Some numbers he texted more than 60 times in a row. I also found that while on our honeymoon when he was "being sweet" and booked me a massage, he was calling escorts there. Also, one day during the honeymoon he needed to "go back to the hotel and check his phone" and I find out he had actually gone to a strip club nearby. The worst part that I can't get out of my head is one weekend I was away, I came back to find a used condom on the bedroom floor under some clothes. When confronted he said he used it to j-off into. I've never been able to fully believe that.

We went to 3 counseling sessions which I didn't feel were productive at all, he didn't want to talk about the issues, and really alluded that the reason he was doing what he did was because I was sexual enough with him.

Skip to now, while for the past 3 years he has been a loving husband and has not given me any more reason to think something else is going on I don't know if I am ever going to be able to get over this. I'm terrified to spend more years with him only to discover something else. What eats me up is now I feel like the bad one because I am having these thoughts, when I wasn't the one who did something wrong in the first place. Why do I have to feel guilty because I'm saying "I don't think I can move on with you after you cheated on me". Just because it was 3 years ago I'm supposed to act like its not as serious now? Any advice would be helpful.

Missymomma posted 8/30/2013 07:57 AM

Jkc - Is it possible you feel this way because his behavior never stopped, just went underground? You do not mention him doing a lot of work on himself, just going to 3 counseling sessions. Those of us that have dealt with spouses going using BP, CL and escorts, know that it doesn't just stop. Going to bump a thread for you written for those that find out about escorts, craigs list, etc.

jzkc1502 posted 8/30/2013 08:15 AM

Thanks for bumping that! That was so helpful.

omgnome posted 9/3/2013 11:39 AM

It seems you are having doubts about your spouse. I'm only 18 months out from my DDay and I see some similarities between our stories.

My wife betrayed me within one month of our marriage, from the time between our marriage and our delayed honeymoon she carried on an EA with a coworker (OM#1). It may have been earlier/longer but this is what I could prove and she would not volunteer anything more. It is also possible that she was carrying on her EA with OM#2 who was also a coworker. She again would not provide specific information only that it was about that time.

I discovered the first EA around four months after our honeymoon. She tried to downplay it and rugswept. I went on oblivious until two months after that when she contacted OM#1 (I had confronted him via text before so he didn't take her up), and she also had started up again with OM#2 (which led to my serious investigation and finding this site).

The thing that got me though is after I explained boundaries and how the EA affected me, and how I thought it was just as bad as a PA even though it was just 'pretend' is that she still went and did it again two months later. She even made a comment to her OM#2 that it had to stay at work because I was monitoring her email. Which is true because I had noticed a change in her in the previous weeks, and I had caught part of her initial EA#1 through accidental clicking in her email where she asked me to forward something. She took her second EA to another email account where she thought I wouldn't be able to figure it out, she just took it further underground.

The trouble I didn't recognize after DDay#1 (and have noticed it now after DDay#2) is that she didn't do any work. She is again rugsweeping and trying to pretend it didn't happen and trying to move on. I had asked her for two things after DDay#2 and that was 1. For her to go to counseling and 2. For her to provide me a detailed timeline of both EAs. For me this is something that is needed to prove that she is taking responsibility for her actions and is making steps to change. If she does not take responsibility and do work then there is no reassurance for me that I won't have numerous DDays coming. I refuse to stay in a marriage where I cannot trust my wife. I don't want to have to live with the question of if she is actually being faithful, or if she just got better at taking it even further underground (IMs at work, phone calls, in person at work). I've only been married almost two years, you have been for around 3-4. The question you have to decide for yourself is if you want to live the rest of your life with those doubts, or if your spouse is putting enough effort into your marriage and fixing their issues to erase those doubts.

omgnome posted 9/3/2013 11:40 AM

Just to add on, you don't have to feel guilty if you want to move on now. Just because an affair is in the past and you have dealt with it for a month, a year, a decade it doesn't mean that it still can't be a deal breaker now.

3Xthefool posted 9/4/2013 15:25 PM

jzkc, I'm sorry that you find yourself in this dilemma.

If you have come this far and still are unable to move forward, I think you are entitled to make whatever decision is best for your long term happiness.

Even though I am only still working on 1 year so far, I know exactly what you feel. It seems like no progress has been made and WW has shown only spotty inconsistent improvement. It especially hurt her chances of me trusting her again when she was found to be sexting with OM a few months after DDay#1 and then had him over for a couple of evenings of sex when I was away on a business trip a couple months later.

The problem with WS's is that they always seem to want trust to be given to them without actually earning it.

tushnurse posted 9/4/2013 15:56 PM

Well of course you feel like you are still at the beginning, because you are. Nothing has been done to repair your marriage, and he certainly was happy to let it all just quietly go away.

The question is what now? I say if you are unhappy with the current situation you need to change it, with or without him. First of all allowing him to get away with what he did because you weren't sexual enough is BS. You do know that right?

He is broken, and has done nothing to hold himself accountable or work of figuring out why he thinks/thought it was acceptable for him to go outside the M.

You should NOT feel guilty for anything. You can hold your head high knowing that you gave him the greatest gift, and that is that chance to R. However it sounds like perhaps the expecations of what that should be were never really drawn out, or he wasn't held to them if they were.

I would start there. You need to sit down with him, and tell him hey, this is where I'm at right now. Very factually that you feel like nothing has been done to fix the problem, and that you have expectations of him in doing so. Outline what those are, and tell him if he chooses to not do anything to change, then you cannot stay in the relationship, and will seek a D.

Life is short, sometimes surpisingly so, don't spend it miserable. You are in control of your destiny, you get to decide how things go. Read up in the healing library. Start slow.

For some of us, the pain of Dday, and trying to R is too much to deal with, and the rugsweeping occurs.

Also with the behavior you describe, that stuff doesn't usually just stop. You probably need to do some invetigating.

keep posting, keep asking questions, and we will keep supporting.

(((and strength))))

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