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Just can't get past it

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Nicnac posted 8/30/2013 08:26 AM

I just can't get past the knowledge that he did it again. To me that means that everything he said to me between dday#1 and dday#2 were lies. He didn't want me and only me. He didn't want to make our marriage work. He wasn't sorry.

And when he tells me those things now, I don't believe him. I believe that he loves me. I still love him after all of this. Love is not the question.

It's the lies. And that he's so good at it. He can look me in the face and tell me he has nothing to hide, while sending secret messages from a secret account to his whore. So now, when he tells me he loves me and is sorry and wants to be only with me, I get suspicious.

I don't know if I can get over this.

Nicnac posted 8/30/2013 08:27 AM

I think I just realized that because of the false R, R has become a trigger for me...

There may be no hope :(

Kierst13 posted 8/30/2013 09:01 AM

I hear you and I am right there with you. After my WH being so good at pretending to be the dedicated remorseful spouse during false R, everything he says feels empty and worthless.

I know if I give him another chance and he does it again there is nobody to blame but me. I will own any new pain he will be able to inflict on me if I give him another chance, because I have seen and experienced what he is capable of.

cantbelieve posted 8/30/2013 09:39 AM


I had 6 months between dday1 and dday2, all the while we were working on our marriage (or so I thought). I'm 5 years out and still struggle. I think if he had stopped after dday1, it would have been easier, it's that 6 months that I can't seem to get past.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/30/2013 10:00 AM

Yup. Their capacity to lie right to your face - while swearing on their own children's lives or their sainted mothers/fathers/Grandmas/Grandpas lives is unreal, isn't it?

You know, a few weeks before I left my lying cheater, I clearly recall him making a comment to me in the parking lot of the Home Depot, telling me his whore had taken up with her old boyfriend and that he hadn't spoken to her in a couple of weeks. Of course, I took that statement with a huge grain of salt as these guys do NOTHING but lie, so I was considering the source. He'd been continually asking me to change my mind and stay, but I kept saying no, so I was pretty sure this lame story had something to do with trying to get me to stay with him.

Anyway, about a week or so later we were talking about something (can't remember what it was, now) and I brought up what he'd claimed - that fat ass had taken up with her ex boyfriend. He looked at me like I had 2 heads and asked where I'd gotten THAT idea from? I told him HE had told me that just a week ago!!! He kept telling me he'd never claimed it and we just went 'round and 'round, going nowhere.

The moral of the story? Cheaters LIE so much that they need to have an impeccable memory if they expect you to believe them. Otherwise, they start to forget all the lies they've told and will muck up the details or worse yet, start FORGETTING the lies they've told because they've just told too many to even remember what they've said at that point.

You're not alone Nicnac. Sending good thoughts your way.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 10:01 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

k9lover1 posted 8/30/2013 10:08 AM

The second time is always the worse because they now know the pain they have caused you and they consciously choose to do it to you again and again and again.

For me it was the final straw. They can talk all they want about how it didn't mean anything - I am so sorry - I love you - don't let this destroy us - yada yada yada.

Actions are what counts.

He chose to have sex again with her.

He chose to hurt you.

He knew the consequences of his actions and he chose to throw away the marriage.

The question now is - what are you going to do. Your actions now will set the stage for what comes in the future.

Will you give the message that it is ok to treat you like crap or will you demand respect.

cantbelieve posted 8/30/2013 11:00 AM

I was so shocked he would even have an affair, that I wasn't sure what to do. I wish I had known about this website sooner. I wasn't prepared or had knowledge of how to proceed. After dday1, I found this website and when dday2 came around, I hit him with some major threats and conditions that if there was any contact, his life would change in ways he wouldn't even comprehend.

So, you have to figure out what you can and cannot take. If you want to try, then you draw a line in the sand and if he crosses it, then you proceed with the plan.

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