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OkieWoman posted 8/30/2013 09:06 AM

I have been married for 23 years. We actually started seeing each other when we were twelve! Years took us apart and both of us through two marriages; then we got back together. Though we had our problems and rough places, the one thing I could always 100% count on was my husbands' fidelity. He trains dogs and is always working with lots of people. About a year ago, a couple came to us after a break-in, wanting a protection dog. The woman was very scared (rightfully so, with the circumstances) and her husband was quite frankly, a wimp. My husband and I both felt sorry for her and her two young kids and we sold them one of our best adult dogs. The husband was around quite a bit doing some work in trade for part of the price of the dog. Then about 6 months ago, she started coming out for continued protection training for the dog. A few weeks later, she went into the process of divorce (huh, go figure!) About 6 weeks ago, my husband told me he "cared a great a deal" for her and was going to help her "get situated" and get into school. We are both 55, this GIRL is 28! About 3 weeks ago, he left his phone in my car and received a text message. Our phones look just alike, so I picked it up and read it! "I LOVE YOU! So excited about our night together!" Naturally, I went on to read ALL the texts. Boy, did I get an eyeful! Every one was like a knife in my heart (and they are burned there, probably forever!) The things I read were things you would say to someone WHILE you were having sex with them! With a few, "Oh I couldn't talk, Okie was getting in the car" and from her: "Does she know anything"? I confronted him, and he said, "I've been honest with you, I told you I cared about her!" Well, saying you "care about a person and want to help them" and saying you "LOVE someone and want to lick their juicy hole" have just a bit different emotional impact!

He actually wanted BOTH OF US!!!!! Told me "I love you, I always have, but I love her too! If you love me you'd want me to be happy!" Well, I DO love him, but I guess I'm just a selfish bitch, because I CAN'T DO THAT! He has got her teaching puppy classes and will continue to see her every week. I want to save my marriage, which began when she was STILL IN PULL-UPS, but I cannot tolerate him seeing her. I am experiencing severe anxiety/sadness attacks. One minute I'll be fine, and the next my heart is pounding, my teeth are chattering and I am fighting breaking into sobs. He doesn't "work" like a regular location job; going to different locations and at different times for tracking or protection classes and she only goes to school two days a week and is free the rest of the time. I could always count on his honesty before, but now I don't know what to think. He says he has broken off any relationship with her outside of work.

I don't know if I can continue to try to work through this or if I should just tell him to pack up and move on so I can start to scar over and try to heal. Right now he is staying with me, but he gets very annoyed at any sign of my pain and doesn't want to talk about it besides saying, "It's over. Forget it." I know he will see her this Sunday, and the very thought just sends me into a panic.

AStar posted 8/30/2013 09:39 AM

Hi OkieWoman
I am sorry you find yourself here, but you will find an awesome group of people to support you.
Discovering your husband is having an affair is a devastating experience.
The most important thing you can do is to take care of yourself. It will be hard, but you need to make sure you eat, drink and sleep properly- probably the last thing you want to do.
As to your husband, he can't want to have you and affair partner (AP). It just doesn't work that way. Either he stops all contact with AP or you should toss him out. It won't work to have it both ways- a marriage is two people, not you, your H plus his AP.
See the Healing Library (yellow tab on the left) for advice that will help you. Consider the 180 with your H. He has no right to treat you this way.
Wishing you strength.

tushnurse posted 8/30/2013 09:43 AM

Welcome Okie - this is the best damn club no one ever wanted to join.

It sounds as though your H has no intention of stopping, or has even started to consider the pain he is causing you.
I understand your panic, however you do know that you cannot stop a person from doing anything they want to do.
You can however make life so uncomfortable for them that they stop to consider their choices.

There are few things I always recommend to new members, these things come from my own eperience and from the mistakes I made, and some of the things I did right.

While you feel totally broken and overwhelmed by it all right now it is hard to think straight. So I will give you a To Do list:

1. Make sure you are taking care of you. That you are eating, staying hydrated, and getting sleep, if you are unable to do these things contact your Dr many of us needed a little pharmaceutical support throught this. There is no shame in it. I found I was much less able to manage my feelings when I was sleep deprived.

2. Go see an Attorney. Find out what your rights are, so that you are not frozen with the fear of the what ifs. In this case I would go ahead and recommend filing as well. He thinks he can get the best of both worlds something we refer to as cakeeating. He won't stop until someone throws the cake out, or takes his plate away. YOU have the power to do this.

3. KNOW that NONE of this is your fault. This is all on him, no matter what he says. It has nothing to do with the kind of wife you are, how much sex he is getting what ever. This is about him getting validation, and admiration from someone, and how wonderful it makes him feel. (Because he has lost his mind he fails to see the ridiculousness of it).

4. Let her Husband know what is going on. Don't tell your H you are going to talk to him, just do it. She may be feeding you a whole line of crap about getting a D, he deserves to know whats up.

5. Up on the left side of your screen there is a tab called the healing library, please read read read. There is tons of great advice in there.

6. Put you first in all things. Think long and hard if you want to try to reconcile, and if you do what you require from him to be able to do this successfully. Be very clear on the boundaries, and consequences, and be prepared to follow through if he balks at this, or breaks them.

Keep coming and posting. Keep asking questions, and keep reading.
Know that you are safe here.

((((and strength))))

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/30/2013 09:47 AM

(((Okie)))

Welcome to the club no one wants to join.

I have to admit the 'juicy hole' comment - from a 55 year old almost-senior to a 28 year old woman - triggered my gag complex. Dry heaves aside, this guy appears to be talking out of both sides of his mouth.

One minute, he "loves" both of you and you should be 'HAPPY' for him (as IF!!), and the next minute he's claiming that he no longer has anything to do with her outside the dog training stuff.

I think he's lying through his teeth and is using a different mode of communication with her, now. Either he got a pay-as-you-go phone, or if he has an IPhone he may be using one of the many chat applications that don't leave a history, or perhaps she bought him a phone on her family plan.

Whatever the story may be, there's no way you can even begin to consider reconciling with this man when he's clearly not be truthful and moreso, when he's completely disregarding your feelings. Not only is he delusional enough to think YOU'RE crazy because you weren't "happy for him" that he'd found some youngin' to drool all over, but he now tells you to "get over it" and "forget it" when you DO bring it up.

This is just someone with absolutely zero regard for your pain, zero regard for your devastation, and zero regard for your sense of security in your future with him. I'm aghast at how he's treated you and now just wants you to shut up about it.

Seriously Okie, nothing is going to change until you stand up to him and lay down the law. If that includes throwing his ass out, then do it. But don't let him steamroll you one more day.

Sending good wishes to you.

soconfusednow posted 8/30/2013 09:56 AM

Sorry you have a need to be here, happy you found us.

Did you just find out? I would be careful about making any snap decisions. Take the time to be sure you can live with whatever decision you do make. Your emotions will probably be all over the map.

In the mean time take care of yourself, get enough sleep eat well, exercise. When I first had people tell me that I thought yeah right Then I found out doing those things makes it easier for me to cope.

Does he have to see her Sunday for dog training? Insist he get someone to cover for him or he brings you with. Have him tell her to get a new trainer!

I can relate to the I want you both It's extremely painful, but you will survive.

Others should be along soon to encourage & support you.

OkieWoman posted 8/30/2013 10:40 AM

I so appreciate all the comments. There are just so many feelings running rampant right now.

She truly is getting a divorce. My helpful SO found her a house, helped her move all her stuff, got her enrolled in a paralegal course "for her future" blah, blah, blah. I have not spoken to her soon-to-be-ex husband, but I suspect he was a little quicker on the uptake than I was (I believe HE was the one who filed); or maybe she just saw greener pastures with MY husband. One of my big fears is that IF I stay, and this crap continues behind my back, that as soon as her divorce is final she will play her Ace card: PREGNANCY! "Oh, I'm so sorry, I don't know how it happened but.....", thinking that will get him for herself for good.

whattheh posted 8/30/2013 14:00 PM

I'm very sorry you are facing this.

You should definitely see an attorney so you understand your legal rights and can protect yourself financially.

Is he paying for things for her or giving her cash? Would be good for you to get a handle on this. She sounds like she is after money and many OW's will try pregnancy as a trap.

[This message edited by whattheh at 2:01 PM, August 30th (Friday)]