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Feeling Guilty t/j

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hopeandchange posted 8/30/2013 09:11 AM

NWfleur.. apolgies for the t/j.

I did fairly well financially in the divorce
I know I am so lucky

Okay, I am the other side of the same coin! My stbxww had a two year LTA and has chosen not to try and R.

We have agreed upon an equitable settlement - both of us feel that the other is getting a better deal. We are splitting our assets 50/50. The home equity, the savings, and retirement accounts. And we will set aside an account to pay college tuition for our three children. I will be paying for all of our kids expenses. Activities, clothes, insurance, cell phone, gas, supplies, etc. except for their groceries when they stay with stbxww. And I will pay stbxww the maximum recommended child support in our state.

So why does stbxww feel that I am getting a better deal? Although she is a professional, my income is more than twice her income (she currently works part time). I will be staying in our marital home, refinancing in order to pay her half the equity. And btw, stbxww will be able to pay cash for a home in our area with her half of the D settlement.

You see, stbxww had set the "gold standard" for a D based on the recent D of a neighbor. I would move out of the marital home. I would continue to pay for the mortgage, insurance and utilities for the marital home so she could live there with our kids. I would pay spousal support and child support so she could continue to work part time. I would have visitation with the kids every second or third weekend losing the regular interaction with our kids because that is what happens to divorced dads.

So, it is my stbxww that is lucky that I have provided for her well being even though as a WS she took from me things that are far more valuable than the money.

So, when guilty feelings arise, put the financial support on one side of the scale and the emotional support (destruction) on the other side of the scale and I doubt it will ever balance.

I have spent an enormous amount of time on SI, in IC, and just dwelling on the pain casused by stbxww. The lies and deception. The loss of my past, the loss of what I thought the future would be.

So, please do not feel guilty because your xWH sends you a monthly check.

Be safe! Be happy! Be healthy! Live with ease!


devistatedmom posted 8/30/2013 10:30 AM

I almost don't think it's possible for either side to feel like it's "fair". No matter what, you are giving up something from your lifestyle, or what you think life was going to look like.

I do not feel guilt for what I got. Sometimes, I don't feel like I got enough, but i know my xh feels like he got the short end of the stick too. It's divorce. No one is going to get everything.

I know I got what I deserved, and what I could. I mean, we only made so much, it's not like we had millions sitting there that we could divvy up.

No guilt, the other half will have to figure out how to live and make changes to support what they want, same as us.

Williesmom posted 8/31/2013 08:43 AM

I don't feel guilty at all. When I started down the D path, I made sure to nail down the separation agreement while he still felt guilty.

After he came to his senses, he wanted to contest it-too late, asshole. I got everything, and I feel no guilt, since I'm the one that had been paying for everything while he chased the dual dreams of self employment and whoring around.

In the midst of it all, he and the whore both told me that they would be living in my house and living my life. Uh, didn't happen.

So, in my case it wasn't lucky. It was sticking to my guns and knowing exactly what was important. I figured either way, I was going to be divorced. Being divorced WITH the stuff looked like way more fun than being divorced without the stuff.

[This message edited by Williesmom at 8:44 AM, August 31st (Saturday)]

hopeandchange posted 9/2/2013 20:02 PM

Williesmom... bravo!


kernel posted 9/2/2013 20:48 PM

No guilt here either. I know I let him off easy, but I just wanted to be done. I made sure the settlement was enough for me to be safe (i.e. could pay my bills and not live in a box, DD could finish college, etc) and let the rest go. I regret it sometimes because property made up a large part of the settlement and it just will not sell. So it's been harder than I thought it would be, but I'll be okay. I have a good job, I'm not afraid of hard work, and the land will sell eventually. No guilt at all. I earned it and then some. I wish the law didn't screw over the betrayed men, and I really wish the cheaters could all be charged with a crime. Marriage murder. With jail time, a huge fine, community service (picking up trash on the side of the highway in an orange prison suit sounds good) and a tattoo that says cheater.

cdagal posted 9/5/2013 07:05 AM

hmmmm. XH got a sweet deal. 90% of the equity from the marital home, the car, and very generous spousal support for 5 years. I got to keep my pension (I;ve been working a looooong time). Did I mention that he was the one who cheated? He bought a house, new car and has been living the high life on 3 incomes - his, the new wife (OW) and mine. I live in a small 2 bedroom apt with a 10 year old car.
But in the long run, I got the better of the deal. I've got piece of mind and full control over my bank account. Priceless!

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