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Newest Member: Herself (45715)

User Topic: guilt trip
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ 38139
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW's family and mine were very close. Our kids grew up together, and have been friends for years. We live near eachother.

Since DDay, the OW's BH and i have allowed the kids to play outside only with the condition that our WS's had zero contact with the kids. Our thoughts were, they are children, they didnt do anything, why make them suffer.

My WH held fast to the NC and never approached the kids. However, the OW did not. She made contact with all my kids, and had an inappropriate conversation with my daughter that crossed the line.

As a result, i have instituted a no contact policy across the board. I no longer allow the kids to play together and i have severed all ties completely.

The OW's BH had laid a pretty thick guilt trip on me for this. He said we need to do whatever it takes to allow the kids to play together. He told me i was wrong and preserving the friendship was important.

The way i see it, i put a boundary in place. Consequences of violating that boundary were made clear from the beginning. The OW violated that boundary. So NC is the result.

I do feel terrible that the kids cant play together anymore. However, them playing together and that constant reminder was a huge trigger for me...a trigger that i sucked up for months for the sake of everyone else's feelings.

My WH is supportive of any decision i make. While we both feel terrible that our kids are losing friends...he feels the ramifications of that continued trigger on me are far more detrimental to the future of our family and our R. He fears continued contact will eventually break me, which will break our family, and preserving that is far more important.

Am i a horrible person for NC across the board? I mean, am i a shitty parent? Do i need to suck it up? Have any of you been in a similar situation? what did you do?


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
silverhopes
♀ 32753
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been in that situation, but wanted to say, NO you're not a bad person, no you shouldn't have to suck it up. You're absolutely right: you had a clear boundary, and this woman, who already threatened the stability of you and your kids' family before, crossed the boundary again. Her choices have consequences, and I'd say good on you for sticking up for your boundaries. You're a great parent who is looking out for her kids.

Just curious - does the BH know that his wife bothered your kids and crossed the boundary again?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 10:53 AM, August 30th (Friday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3920 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
heartbroken2012
♀ 38089
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say no either. You laid down certain rules, and if she is going to break them like she broke her vow to be faithful then I support your decision.

I mean...if she is willing to break the rules you laid out for your kids playing together...what other rules is she willing to break?


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 557 | Registered: Jan 2013
Card
♂ 23667
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...he feels the ramifications of that continued trigger on me are far more detrimental to the future of our family and our R. He fears continued contact will eventually break me, which will break our family, and preserving that is far more important.


I agree!

I personally believe this experiment was a bad idea to begin with. N/C is a very wise course for all involved.

Am i a horrible person for NC across the board?


Of course not.

Isn't it better to have an intact family?

They can make new friends!

The best advise I can offer you is to tell your children the truth and tell them about the pain the adultery still causes you.

You are a strong woman, protecting her family and her marriage. Hold your head high.... :)


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
sinsof thefather
♀ 29295
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely stick to NC across the board. The strain the contact puts on you and your R is too high a price to pay. It could get way more complicated anyway with winter coming because the children could start to ask for those play dates to be indoors, and then that would be far worse and only confuse the kids further when you said no.

In my opinion, a complete NC across the board is the easiest and best way to resolve this. I've followed your posts from the beginning sorrow, and this OW has never wanted or respected your desire for NC - keeping even a limited contact will only give her more chances to overstep the mark and confuse the kids. A total break is best for everyone in the circumstances. Don't let OW's BH guilt you into doing something that you know will constantly stress you out.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1892 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ 38139
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cant thank you all enough for your support. It really means so much. Your words have really helped me to reinforce that i made the right decision.

@silver hopes....yes, the OW BH knew she made contact...in fact, he was standing right there and watched the entire exchange. He knew of the contact for over a week and never told me. After i found out about it and confronted him, he totally downplayed it, completely skirted the issue and told me i was wrong for not allowing the kids to continue playing together.

He really laid it on thick and made me feel like a seriously horrible person to the point where i almost caved in.

Thank you all for the strength to hold firm.


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No....you are doing the right thing.

Your family is more important then kids friendships. Seems like OW BH doesn't get this.

People quit high paying jobs because of affairs....kids are affected, but family is preserved.

People sell homes and move to a new city because of affairs....kids are affected, but family is preserved.

You are well within the normal range of what to do following the affair.

Personally, I think this is horribly unfair of the BH of the OW to even bring it up.

I think it was big of you to even attempt to allow your families to continue to interact.

I say big of you...but recently my go to buddy said he couldn't believe how level headed I was early on upon discovery. I corrected him, I thanked him for his compliment, but it was not warranted. What I did early on was disgraceful and unhealthy....I coddled my wife wife, soothed HER pain...I did this from an unhealthy FOO issue within me....a strong fear of abandonment programmed in when my parents suddenly divorced and my Dad disappeared from my life to go live with his AP (which lasted less then 1 year).

I am not saying you did anything unhealthy, but....gently....why did you think this was a good idea to start with?

I follow you closely and you are on my specific prayer list.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:48 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your daughter knows something is not right....has a hint that her family is in danger.

I would suggest this would be a good time to model what being married and loving your family looks like in the real world.

Perhaps you could have a family meeting and have your husband explain to your family exactly why another family is now off limits to them.

The children may have questions, may get angry....but at the end of this meeting they will have a renewed sense of family commitment and feel more secure....which will lead them further along the path of becoming a healthy adult.

I am not suggesting they be given all of the details...but should be aware that your family matters....it matters over all other relationships until they start their own families.

Just a thought.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:54 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ 38139
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh blake...i just dont know. I mean, never thought it was a great idea....but they live SOOOO close. And i was just trying to keep things as normal as i could for the sake of the children. I didnt want them to suffer if it could be avoided. I figured my pain could be stuffed for the sake of the children. Just trying to make everyone happy.

But thru lots of work in MC/IC, i found that i have always been a people pleaser...and always put others needs above mine, despite any cost to me. I always worry about how every one else feels, what everyone else needs. I have been working hard to find a balance.

I think this is one of the first times i have stood up for myself/my feelings/my needs in this huge magnitude. My WH is right. You are all right. It is sad my kids have lost friends...but preserving our family is far more important.

We did have a talk with our younger children. They dont know of the A. We didnt go into details...oddly enough they didnt ask for them....they just accepted the explanation we gave and moved on. They dont seem too terribly affected.

My daughter is an adult. We also had a discussion with her. She is not aware of the A, but also accepted the explanation we gave and didnt press for details.

My WH and i have been making a lot of personal changes in ourselves. We have both been working hard in MC/IC as well as in our daily lives to SHOW our kids thru ACTIONS...kind words followed by meaningful gestures.

Day by day. Little by little.

Thank you for your kind words and support


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay sorrowBhindSmile!!! You are doing something that goes against your poor coping skills! As a Pleaser you initially did what you always did....you negated your desire for the sake of others. In a short time you realized this was not healthy for you, your marriage or your family....and changed!

THIS IS WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT....changing ourselves!


To be sure, being a Pleaser...just like a Vacillator....just like an Avoider.....is not ALL bad. It just gets unhealthy when it becomes such a strong way you cope that it smothers the other parts of yourself (because no one is ALL one way....no 100% pleaser, 100% avoider, etc.).

It is a balance.

Everyone on this site has become unbalanced.

Your actions show the world that you are pulling back from the polar end of your Pleaser trait to a more moderate stance. Your husband is doing the same thing with his actions!

A more balanced Mr. and Mrs. SorrowBhindSmile is emerging from their cocoon.....LOOK!!!!

I know this was a tough post for you, I can see the heartache in you...so please don't take this joyous response as incorrectly understanding your feelings.

I just wanted to point out the bigger picture as enthusiastically as I could so that you take note of it too.

God is with you both.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:39 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
TxsT
♀ 39996
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorrow....

I am impressed with your ability to allow any kind of contact to begin with. The fact that this OW stepped over a second line in the sand ( the first being the affair) is amazing to me. And her husbands response and actions are shameful. He sure needs to grow a back bone. I can already see why she had an A!

I want to warn you about something you have never considered I bet. In my situation the OBS sat his children down and told the three girls exactly what their mother had done and WHO she had done it with. Since both of my boys had gone to the same middle and high school as these children we were constantly rolling the dice by not telling our boys about the A.

I finally put my foot down and wanted my husband to tell them, not only to protect the boys from what those girls could have said to them, but I also wanted the boys to understand why their mother was imploding I front of their eyes. I needed my hubby to own up to his actions.

Now, my kids are older then yours BUT these kids will still see each other at school I am sure and you better be prepared to deal with this in the future. The kids now know for sure something is not quite right. They are extremely intuitive, even at a very young age.

Stick to your guns girlfriend. I would be worried that this OW will never have appropriate boundaries put in front of her and you are setting yourself up for more heart ache if you let her back into your lives!!!! How dare she talk to your daughter,

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 10:53 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
ccw82
♀ 40133
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorrow, I believe you are doing the correct thing. That's exactly what I would do if I were in your shoes! Like most other responders said: you set clear boundaries, those boundaries were broken, so you put a strict NC across the board.

IMO, if OW's BH is going to give you such grief about it, I say you completely NC him as well! Just ignore their whole darn family and do what's best for YOUR family!


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ 38139
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL Blake....actually i welcome the joyous response, because i think you really do understand my feelings!! I am proud of myself because this is visible, tangible evidence of a change in me. A change for the better. And like you said...this is what its all about. I very much enjoyed reading your response!!!

T...yes, i have always been concerned the kids will find out. But...the OW and her BH are rugsweepers, big time, and both of them have a huge fear of their children finding out. (especially because this was the OW's THIRD affair) They have far more to lose, and keeping things under wraps is of benefit to everyone involved. That is actually one point we can all agree on. (plus her kids go to a different school, so that helps) My WH and i have had many discussions on whether or not to tell the kids. I have read a lot on here and elseware about that. Its a very tough decision. For now, they have been satisfied with any explanations we have given and really havent pressed with many questions.

c....yep, i went NC with him as well. it has been such a relief.


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 13

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