SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I know its easy to put down an ap because of their looks, size (body or parts ), their grammar, education etc. Please realise some of us betrayeds fall under those catagories, also

Im 100 lbs over weight. My grammar etc took a nose dive since meeting wh as I was speaking mostly his native tongue and not associating

My worth as a person is not based on my looks...nor should it be for anyone else. My one former neighbor was missing teeth, very poor, made it to high school...her character is amazing. Very nice person.

Its not the looks of a person or their education or job (or lack of) that makes a person, its their character.

When demeaning an ow (which we have all done, including myself) lets remember some of us are thick, homely or poorly educated but we are good people struggling even more so because our spouses or SO's decided to trample our already fragile self esteems.

I wanted to write this post a month or so ago but I kept quiet as I didnt feel it was time (there were a couple of long threads on ow's at the time).

Thank you. I cringe with pain every time one of those threads come along bashing the AP based on his/her looks, education, age or slurred reference to their ethnicity. Sometimes a BS will absolutely eviscerate the OW based on the OW's "flaws", and I think to myself that hey, they just described me to a "T". Would they hate me too? Heck, my STBX used to rip me apart based on superficial details.

Or is it possible that what made the OP attractive has nothing at all to do with their external appearance, job or educational status? I don't base my worth on those kinds of things. I suspect that our WS's didn't base their AP's worth on those things, either. (Just too bad our WS's didn't choose to overlook our flaws though, right?)

Thank you for this post, I think it's very important to remember.

I understand what you are saying...I too am not winning any beauty pageants, however.....the AP is always ugly in the sense that they are manipulative and without morals if they are willing to help a married spouse sneak around and hide to have a relationship with them. I may not bash AP for their looks,race, weight etc. but I will always call the OW ugly....she is ugly where it really counts " inside"! Sorry just this BW opinion

[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 12:36 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

/applauds sullymeishadomi

Wholeheartedly agreed. We're here because we had something terrible happen and we needed help. That's the tie that binds us all. And it's important.

None of that other situational bullcrap factors in at the end: age? looks? socioeconomic situation? gender? Nope.

Marginalizing people based on factors that change constantly - many of which are completely outside personal control - is a BAD idea. Know where you see that attitude disproportionately? In the people that choose to betray. Whether it's claiming "marriage lull" or "loss of looks" or "loss of emotional connection" or all the other excuses we've all seen for the affairs, it means someone chose to stop treating a person as a person. Be angry, sure, (understandably!) but there's a reason that cliche is phrased "sinking to their level."

Sully, thank you for the post.

Honestly- I make fun of OW all around. Yes, she is overweight (btw, so am I, she just happens to be bigger than I am) and I don't find her attractive what so ever. However, I mostly make fun of her as a way to vent here, and don't like her because she was a willing party in screwing me over.

If I have said anything that hurt your feelings at all, I apologize. I am sure you are a lovely person- inside and out. :)

Yikes! I just did that and I really don't mean to....I just look for any reason to question my WH.

When they leave us for someone worse on the outside and inside it just makes us question.

The inside is so much more important. Our bodies are just a shell. It's the thoughts, compassion and empathy that make a person unique.

Thank you for posting, Sully. I, for one, agree with you but sometimes I post nasty stuff about the AP b/c I know how important looks are to her and I harbor hopeful thoughts that she follows my posts and cries. Stupid, I know.

If I may IMHO, agreed AP is not relevant. Looks, size, prowess in bed etc.

In my situation I don't know (well I might have met some of them but its not been confirmed) what the AP looked like.

To me they and their looks are irrelevant (there are so many in my situation that they are interchangeable - that's why I call them the CV (current vagina)).

What I did find out though through the hell this causes is that I want to look good for me. Not for external validation but for me to show that I value myself.

I went from a below size 8 AUS to a 16/18 AUS. Why??? Because I didn't value and respect myself. This is not about dress size, it is about trying to deal with an unhappy situation with an unhappy mechanism, for me it was alcohol.

I am back to a smaller me but what really helps is that I feel healthy, I enjoy the activity I now do. Dress size is irrelevant.

I also thought that my weight might have helped my career as I felt I was taken more seriously. whilst 'fat'. What I am realising now is that it is not my body type but my attitude that progressed my career.

No, Im not hurt by the comments. I felt weird, but not hurt

I also dont think those who made those comments about the ap took the thought process far enough to understand that some words may strike a cord with a fellow b.s. because one of us might be fat, have buck teeth, bad grammar or the walking farts or whatever. The focus was soley on the ap.

We are tho judged by our ws' s and ap's. Ive been through it myself and ive read many here endure it also. If idiot is disgusted I have a big honking wart on my nose (I dont in reality...making a point here), he married me with that wart. Too bad.

I think we have to remember our character when dealing with those who have none, as another poster mentioned. In having character we must remember a person is not judged on the superficial but what they bring to the table: their character...or lack of.

[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 6:47 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

Thank you for this post, Sully. Totally agree.

May I add it hurts a bit to hear how "old" the ap was, as if age implies unattractiveness. I like to think I've aged nicely and my years add to me, not detract.

The threads where bs are bashing the ap or op dont upset me anymore. I partake in it. It is a release and other peoples vents comments arent about "me"...

I know deep down wh issues infidelity wasnt about mow really...not her appearance Really either. It was how she made wh feel. It was about HIM! She let him be shit and told him he was the best piece of shit ever!

All that being said...what they did hurt. I cant do anything. Cant get even. I cant punch her or wh in the face.

However petty...I can diss her as a person! She is a shitty person point blank and I can diss her fugly face etc.

Waiting for the day that I just dont give a shit either way.

[This message edited by sunflowergirl30 at 9:24 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

Sully, I think this is an awesome post. I saw someone else a few months ago post something similar and I thought the same thing - awesome.

I realize that this is going to come off as a defense of the OW. It isn't meant that way. But I'm just really sick of women going after women for looks or age. When we say, "Damn, he picked an old hag!" we are perpetuating societal bullshit that judges women so harshly on looks. Even in venting, I just have a hard time with it. Why do we expect men - WHs or not - to respect us as we age and change and regardless of our size...but we speak this way about other women? Putting down age and looks? But demanding respect no matter our age or our looks? It makes no sense. As the saying goes, be the change you want to see. If women should not be judged by superficial traits, then stop judging based on superficial traits.

Overweight people deserve respect. Overweight OWs do not. Older women deserve respect, older OWs do not. Go after them on the OW part, not the fat or older part. Because the only message that sends is that fat and older = lesser than.

I'm glad Sully didn't take offense to these posts. But I wonder how many BSs out there are getting the message that their looks aren't OK? And maybe even the reason their WS cheated? What a shame.

ETA: I came off as preachy. Damn. I definitely hit the OW on her looks a few times. I get the anger element, I do.

[This message edited by RockyMtn at 9:39 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

I actually think the people my H had an A with are all beautiful people--on the outside. And yes they all happen to be younger.

But the inside, sorry, but i am waaaaaayyy better.

I think for some people they feel a little better when the ap isn't that pretty. I think its a valid response. Its normal and human.

But, Sully, I bet you are very pretty outside and inside.

Sometimes we can't see ourselves for what we are. I have no doubt that YOU have to be a pretty, thoughtful, kind, amazing and smart person.

I agree, I posted the same thing myself awhile back! I can certainly understand the need to bring he OW down and comment on things such as education, appearances and employment status. The concern I have is that a number of members here are suffering from damaged self esteem and may believe that the negative attributes apply to them.

Its not the looks of a person or their education or job (or lack of) that makes a person, its their character.

Yep. Exactly.

Sully, Bravo!!!

I am a BM(terrible acronym BTW). I don't even know where to begin other than try.

Teen years, coke bottle glasses, braces and I liked musicals. "Little fat guy" was kindly dispensed upon me by my freshman football coach, it stuck. Senior year, benching 300#+, contacts, State football, track and swimming, college scholarship. Lifeguard, deep tan, sun bleached blonde w/green eyes, you can guess where I'm going with that. Every girl was "available".

That got me numbers 1-3 in my tag line. The "better looking", the more shallow. They typically thought their looks were enough to form a deep abiding relationship. Unfortunately, so did I.

I learned. I began seeking women of character. (I've got a busted picked. KISA is heavily in my forefront) Size, shape, color(yep, even warts) hell, hairiness DO NOT MATTER.

I think it's apropos that this comes up at this time. MLK had it right and it applies here. It's content of character that matters. Nothing else stacks up.

Where does that leave the AP?

Strength

I totally agree with you Sully and thank you for posting this.

My H's AP's are all fine to look at, in our general age bracket (one is maybe 15 years older) and just... kinda normal. But obviously they are broken inside. Every one of them knew he was married with kids. None of them cared. That's what makes them less than me. Not age, looks etc.

Being overweight myself, I agree. Havin self esteem issues. I agree with you.

The shell is just that, what matters is what we have inside and we need to let it out so we shine on the outside even if we aren't that particular look or size.

I am struggling with this as we speak. I have so much inside me that I tuck it away for fear of being completely ripped apart.

Thank you for this post.

Sully and others on here,
I have one more comment to add...after Dday I lost 60 pounds, it took over a year but I feel 100x better and know how much healthier I am. I recommend you do this for yourself! I found a lot of help with myfitnesspal.com. If you want support PM me and I'll support you with the initial cut rate calorie days and maybe you can support me in trying to cut alcohol out of my diet.