Im 100 lbs over weight. My grammar etc took a nose dive since meeting wh as I was speaking mostly his native tongue and not associating
My worth as a person is not based on my looks...nor should it be for anyone else. My one former neighbor was missing teeth, very poor, made it to high school...her character is amazing. Very nice person.
Its not the looks of a person or their education or job (or lack of) that makes a person, its their character.
When demeaning an ow (which we have all done, including myself) lets remember some of us are thick, homely or poorly educated but we are good people struggling even more so because our spouses or SO's decided to trample our already fragile self esteems.
I wanted to write this post a month or so ago but I kept quiet as I didnt feel it was time (there were a couple of long threads on ow's at the time).
Or is it possible that what made the OP attractive has nothing at all to do with their external appearance, job or educational status? I don't base my worth on those kinds of things. I suspect that our WS's didn't base their AP's worth on those things, either. (Just too bad our WS's didn't choose to overlook our flaws though, right?)
One day at a time....
[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 12:36 PM, August 30th (Friday)]
Wholeheartedly agreed. We're here because we had something terrible happen and we needed help. That's the tie that binds us all. And it's important.
None of that other situational bullcrap factors in at the end: age? looks? socioeconomic situation? gender? Nope.
Marginalizing people based on factors that change constantly - many of which are completely outside personal control - is a BAD idea. Know where you see that attitude disproportionately? In the people that choose to betray. Whether it's claiming "marriage lull" or "loss of looks" or "loss of emotional connection" or all the other excuses we've all seen for the affairs, it means someone chose to stop treating a person as a person. Be angry, sure, (understandably!) but there's a reason that cliche is phrased "sinking to their level."
Sully, thank you for the post.
If I have said anything that hurt your feelings at all, I apologize. I am sure you are a lovely person- inside and out. :)
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
When they leave us for someone worse on the outside and inside it just makes us question.
The inside is so much more important. Our bodies are just a shell. It's the thoughts, compassion and empathy that make a person unique.
Thank you for posting, Sully. I, for one, agree with you but sometimes I post nasty stuff about the AP b/c I know how important looks are to her and I harbor hopeful thoughts that she follows my posts and cries. Stupid, I know.
In my situation I don't know (well I might have met some of them but its not been confirmed) what the AP looked like.
To me they and their looks are irrelevant (there are so many in my situation that they are interchangeable - that's why I call them the CV (current vagina)).
What I did find out though through the hell this causes is that I want to look good for me. Not for external validation but for me to show that I value myself.
I went from a below size 8 AUS to a 16/18 AUS. Why??? Because I didn't value and respect myself. This is not about dress size, it is about trying to deal with an unhappy situation with an unhappy mechanism, for me it was alcohol.
I am back to a smaller me but what really helps is that I feel healthy, I enjoy the activity I now do. Dress size is irrelevant.
I also thought that my weight might have helped my career as I felt I was taken more seriously. whilst 'fat'. What I am realising now is that it is not my body type but my attitude that progressed my career.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
I also dont think those who made those comments about the ap took the thought process far enough to understand that some words may strike a cord with a fellow b.s. because one of us might be fat, have buck teeth, bad grammar or the walking farts or whatever. The focus was soley on the ap.
We are tho judged by our ws' s and ap's. Ive been through it myself and ive read many here endure it also. If idiot is disgusted I have a big honking wart on my nose (I dont in reality...making a point here), he married me with that wart. Too bad.
I think we have to remember our character when dealing with those who have none, as another poster mentioned. In having character we must remember a person is not judged on the superficial but what they bring to the table: their character...or lack of.
[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 6:47 PM, August 30th (Friday)]
I know deep down wh issues infidelity wasnt about mow really...not her appearance Really either. It was how she made wh feel. It was about HIM! She let him be shit and told him he was the best piece of shit ever!
All that being said...what they did hurt. I cant do anything. Cant get even. I cant punch her or wh in the face.
However petty...I can diss her as a person! She is a shitty person point blank and I can diss her fugly face etc.
Waiting for the day that I just dont give a shit either way.
[This message edited by sunflowergirl30 at 9:24 PM, August 30th (Friday)]
I realize that this is going to come off as a defense of the OW. It isn't meant that way. But I'm just really sick of women going after women for looks or age. When we say, "Damn, he picked an old hag!" we are perpetuating societal bullshit that judges women so harshly on looks. Even in venting, I just have a hard time with it. Why do we expect men - WHs or not - to respect us as we age and change and regardless of our size...but we speak this way about other women? Putting down age and looks? But demanding respect no matter our age or our looks? It makes no sense. As the saying goes, be the change you want to see. If women should not be judged by superficial traits, then stop judging based on superficial traits.
Overweight people deserve respect. Overweight OWs do not. Older women deserve respect, older OWs do not. Go after them on the OW part, not the fat or older part. Because the only message that sends is that fat and older = lesser than.
I'm glad Sully didn't take offense to these posts. But I wonder how many BSs out there are getting the message that their looks aren't OK? And maybe even the reason their WS cheated? What a shame.
ETA: I came off as preachy. Damn. I definitely hit the OW on her looks a few times. I get the anger element, I do.
[This message edited by RockyMtn at 9:39 PM, August 30th (Friday)]
But the inside, sorry, but i am waaaaaayyy better.
I think for some people they feel a little better when the ap isn't that pretty. I think its a valid response. Its normal and human.
But, Sully, I bet you are very pretty outside and inside.
Sometimes we can't see ourselves for what we are. I have no doubt that YOU have to be a pretty, thoughtful, kind, amazing and smart person.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
I am a BM(terrible acronym BTW). I don't even know where to begin other than try.
Teen years, coke bottle glasses, braces and I liked musicals. "Little fat guy" was kindly dispensed upon me by my freshman football coach, it stuck. Senior year, benching 300#+, contacts, State football, track and swimming, college scholarship. Lifeguard, deep tan, sun bleached blonde w/green eyes, you can guess where I'm going with that. Every girl was "available".
That got me numbers 1-3 in my tag line. The "better looking", the more shallow. They typically thought their looks were enough to form a deep abiding relationship. Unfortunately, so did I.
I learned. I began seeking women of character. (I've got a busted picked. KISA is heavily in my forefront) Size, shape, color(yep, even warts) hell, hairiness DO NOT MATTER.
I think it's apropos that this comes up at this time. MLK had it right and it applies here. It's content of character that matters. Nothing else stacks up.
Where does that leave the AP?
My H's AP's are all fine to look at, in our general age bracket (one is maybe 15 years older) and just... kinda normal. But obviously they are broken inside. Every one of them knew he was married with kids. None of them cared. That's what makes them less than me. Not age, looks etc.
The shell is just that, what matters is what we have inside and we need to let it out so we shine on the outside even if we aren't that particular look or size.
I am struggling with this as we speak. I have so much inside me that I tuck it away for fear of being completely ripped apart.
Thank you for this post.