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IGaveItMyAll posted 8/30/2013 12:53 PM

Lately I have been very frustrated with the attraction my W shows me. Our sex life sucks!!! Doesn't matter what I do... (Take her on countless dates, help around the house, put an equal share into raising the kids, have fun, talk, connect emotionally, write her notes, telling her how attractive she is, talk about our sex life, ask what turns her on, try and understand her better and we even discuss it in MC) Nothing is helping. I am even trying to back off and just let it be. Almost like 180'ing again.. No pressure type of thing. But sex once a month just sucks. I get pissed because we have put ALOT into building a better marriage. Everything else is falling into place (She shows me she cares and loves me, She works on herself, we have fun and laugh together, we spend time together) everything except this. She just wont let it go there. Even after awesome date nights... Nothing. Maybe after her A she has major hangups. I don't know...

Here is what isn't good. I find myself contemplating if I want a marriage like this. I feel I deserve a healthy sex life, to be desired and its important to me. I am starting to feel like maybe I should just find it somewhere else (The Right Way of Course). To some its not a big deal but for me its a total blow to my self esteem that before her A our sex life was "OK", during it was better (We had sex more when she was in her A. Probably out of guilt or to keep me from being suspicious) but a year into R = almost non-existant. I stopped showing my frustration, telling her about my frustration and have backed off completely. I don't initiate phone calls or texts until she does. I am just sitting back and giving her her space to see if she finds herself. ARGH!!!! I hate this. Honestly this is more of a deal breaker to me lol Sexless marriage after she cheated... No Thanks!!! Why do I put such a big deal on sex? But isn't it important in a marriage? Doesn't it indicate the health of a relationship?

krazy8516 posted 8/30/2013 13:00 PM

I stopped showing my frustration, telling her about my frustration and have backed off completely.

What was her response when you told her you were frustrated?

It sounds like you are putting way more effort in to this R than she is. If she has some "major hangups" after her A, these need to be addressed by her... with somebody. If she can't talk to you, maybe an IC?

Sex is important in a marriage, and there is nothing wrong with putting some emphasis on it. Unless both spouses have agreed that it's not something either of them are interested in. But you said you had a decent sex life before and during the A, so it hasn't always been non-existant.

You deserve to have what you want out of the marriage. Maybe the A wasn't a deal breaker, but no sex could be.

heforgotme posted 8/30/2013 13:03 PM

Yes, sex is an important part of marriage, don't second guess yourself on that. And the thing is, when everything else is going well, it usually follows pretty naturally.

So, I would be very worried that this indicates a lack of sincerity on her part. I really would. But before you jump to that conclusion, make sure you guys have several calm but deep discussions about why she thinks this is happening. Be kind, but make sure your bullshit meter is on. But maybe there's a logical explanation like sex makes her feel ashamed now bc of what she did???

Has she said why she is doing this???

IGaveItMyAll posted 8/30/2013 13:35 PM

What was her response when you told her you were frustrated?

She gets sad and says she is sorry. She also tells me when I get frustrated it makes her feel a ton of pressure. Like she has to have sex.
Maybe the A wasn't a deal breaker, but no sex could be
For me yes no sexlife is a deal breaker. I was hoping to have the best possible marriage in R and this is not what I want.
Has she said why she is doing this???

We have had a few good conversations. First thing that came up is she feels presured to have sex. Like she has to do it. Like its an obligation. She said she doesn't know why she just is never in the mood and is constantly exhausted. She doesn't even masterbate (she used to) She said our Daughter runs her raggid throughout the day and she is tired. I call bs on this cause she isn't too tired to read a book or watch a tv show before bed but too tired to be intimate. I am working on some things to be more attractive but its all BS. I want to be able to be genuine and real with no little kid games.

krazy8516 posted 8/30/2013 13:46 PM

She said she doesn't know why she just is never in the mood and is constantly exhausted.

This sounds liek depression. or, oddly enough, a side effect of an anti-depressant. I've been affected (sexually) by both in the past. Another thing that affected my sexual desire? Falling out of love with my partner.

Her issues need to be addressed ASAP, so she can work on fixing them, or so you can begin to move on.

IGaveItMyAll posted 8/30/2013 13:58 PM

Her issues need to be addressed ASAP, so she can work on fixing them, or so you can begin to move on.
We are discussing it again this week in MC. After our last session her attitude and desire increased only to fall flat again. Our MC told me to be patient that she is willing and wanting to work on this but it won't be an overnight fix. I am trying to be patient but month after month of the same issue is really making me feel like giving up. I wont have an A but I am not going to lie it has crossed my mind. I would rather go my seperate way with my integrity.

crazyblindsided posted 8/30/2013 14:00 PM

Lately I have been very frustrated with the attraction my W shows me.

I am having this issue too. We are actively having sex it's just the intimacy and emotional connection is not there. There are certain sexual aspects that have happened since the A too that have affected our sex life negatively.

I'm sorry (((IGaveItMyAll)))

IGaveItMyAll posted 8/30/2013 14:06 PM

We are actively having sex it's just the intimacy and emotional connection is not there
I guess I am the opposite. Either way it sucks. She tells me how awesome and close she feels. She laughs and she cuddles up to me. She feels like we are closer than we have ever been but nothing leads to her wanting sex. SUCKS!!! I personally think she used sex to keep men around and now that I am around and not leaving she doesn't need to use it for that and has no idea how to really connect to her own self and self desires. She is just not in touch with her mind and body in that sense. Where I am very in touch with my mind, body and emotions.

Dawnie posted 8/30/2013 14:34 PM

I was in a sexless marriage with my XWH for 7 years... and the only reason I stayed was for my son who was 5 in 1999 when we stopped being intimate. It started with his having "ED".. which he rugswept for 7 years until 2006 when I told him that I couldnt do it anymore, fix it or we need to go our seperate ways. He got Viagra and it helped, but at that point 7 years later we were like brother and sister and there was ZERO passion or attraction for me. 3 years later he started his A and hence we are divorced today. Had he "fixed" it 7 years prior I believe that our marriage would have lasted. The sexless part of our relationship was like a cancer that killed the marriage slowly but surely. My advice is to do all you can to fix it now (which it sounds like you are) or eventually it will take an irreversable toll on the relationship.

I was in your shoes and know how you feel... it is a horrible feeling to be sexually rejected by your spouse.. 10+ years later it has left me with MAJOR self esteem issues that I deal with daily....

Good luck...


roses303 posted 8/30/2013 14:45 PM

Have your read "the Sexless Marriage". It is a great book that goes into the mental and physical issues with differences in desire. I think it might be helpful for you to understand more of where she is coming from and to learn some ways to overcome those differences. It doesn't matter where the lack of desire comes from, the fact that it is there means that there are still things to work through. It is very difficult for a woman to desire someone when she feels obligated. Sex for a woman is very different than sex for a man. In my marriage it is different since my husband was the wayward but since the affair, he has finally started listening and really understanding our differences with regards to sex. Things are getting better but it is because the pressure is off and because he finally understands that not desiring sex is not a reflection on him. Nor is it a sign that there is something wrong with me. It is what it is and it is a slow process to move past it. There are a lot of issues that go into desire and for women it is a completely different experience than for a man.

You may also need to figure out what frequency of sex is a deal breaker. Honestly once a month is not that far out of the norm. This is not a sexless marriage. You have somewhere to go from here. Maybe for now you might need to schedule it. If she knows that every other Friday to start is going to be date and sex night, she can plan for it and not feel like it is a obligation, rather it is part of the plan. Spontaneity in sex can be difficult if you are out of practice so make it part of a good time you have with each other. If you can get it to twice a month then maybe things will get easier and she'll want it more often.

Sexual desire changes over time in everyone, some people more than others. For the majority of people after 6 months to a year, they stop having those surges of hormones that make sex crazy. That is one of the reasons sex in an affair is so good. It is new. Long term relationships have a different type of sex, a different type of desire and if both parties don't come into an understanding of how that new feeling works for each other, there will always be resentment and unhappiness.

IGaveItMyAll posted 8/30/2013 15:03 PM

Have your read "the Sexless Marriage".
No, Our MC gave us a book called Between the Sheets. She won't even look at it. In our last MC session our therapist told her she has the power over her body to decide if she wants sex and she can choose to never have sex again. She owns her body and no one else. She perked up and felt empowered and was sexual the next day and then it fell back to norm. I don't beg or express my frustration anymore in order to not presure her. I dont want pitty sex and don't initiate because 90% of the time I get rejected. So I just am keeping my mouth shut, my emotions under control and trying to work on myself and things that I do that possibly destroy attraction.

IGaveItMyAll posted 8/30/2013 15:15 PM

Honestly once a month is not that far out of the norm
Really???? That sucks for the norm. My W is confortable with once or twice (max) a month at this point. I think about every 3 days (twice a week) for me would be AMAZING. So there is defintiely an difference in frequency. I am in my early 30's and her in her late 20's I feel like we have the sex life of grandparents (No offense to any grandparents out there)

ionlytalkedtoher posted 8/30/2013 15:24 PM

We have been married 16 years. H had an A for the past 3 years. But the way our marriage started is that I was really into sex at first un til I had kids--then I got really really tired and exhausted and I just needed more alone time. So H always said we had a sexless marriage to him--it was like once a week we were doing it but he was more like an everyday wanting person. I really downplayed the effects of this for years. Anyway after some discussions I stepped it up more--for his sake--but \i did always feel pressure. i wasn't doing it for me i was doing it for him. This was building up resentment in me.

Anyway, he was the one who had the A though.

Regardless, in the last 3 years ironically, that is when I DID put more effort into the sex aspect...more like everyday...and he still had the A. Maybe it was too late?? I don't know.

But, I have come to understand that sex IS a major part of your marriage. You are not brother and sister. I have come to think that sex is OWED to the person you are married to. Its like part of your covenant. Not making an effort is not holding up your bargain. I try to do it often now. I feel like I want to more since the A since I need to feel the closeness I lost.

What i would do is say that, "look you are not brother and sister, you are married. You are attracted to her, you want to be with her all the time and you want to show your love for her. For you to be happy you need sex at least X times a week. What can you do to make that happen? Are you willing to try that or not? because otherwise I will not be happy in this marriage."

IGaveItMyAll posted 8/30/2013 17:39 PM

I talked to her about it again and it went nowhere. Just frustration on both parts. I HATE this. I told her I will work on my attachment to intimacy (which I think is normal in a marriage) if she is willing to work on herself. You know it is more about the amount of sex. Its the fact I can never bring her desire up, our dates never get to an intimate level, its the fact she only wants me to initiate in the middle of the night when she is asleep (she can't get in the mood consciously awake). That works sometimes but I feel like I am freaking molesting her in the middle of the night and half the time she gets pissed and shoots me down. ARGH!!! So frustrating. Makes me want to give up....

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