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Crazy reconciliation thoughts....

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HurtsButImOK posted 8/30/2013 13:23 PM

The financial separation is finally gaining traction in that he is now participating in moving it forward, finally.

The strange thing is that I find myself running through thoughts of reconciliation in my mind. Not that I want it, my freedom for the past 10 months has given me time to reflect on how shit the relationship truly was, but rather its more like if I did want to consider it what would be my factors/rules.

The ‘before I thought of reconciling’ rules are such that I am 99.99% confident couldn’t happen, he wouldn’t be capable. Let alone the ‘going into a relationship again with you’ rules, which again he wouldn’t be capable of.

Is this normal? I guess for me at the moment I am cycling through the potential I saw for him (just now starting to realise this is the main reason I stayed so long because, (once he grew up and matured), he could be a wonderful human being. I have since realised and accepted that whilst a person may have the potential it amounts to nothing if they don’t realise it for themselves.. I am also looking into why I thought his successes might reflect well on me and provide validation.

Curious if anyone else started compiling a list of reconciliation rules/boundaries whilst going through divorce. I wonder if it is a coping mechanism to help you to see that there really is no hope and maybe that is what is dying (the hope) that I feel.

newlysingle posted 8/30/2013 15:00 PM

I haven't, but my situation might be different. My STBX walked away without any remorse and has made it clear that he is not interested in reconciliation. He has already set up house with OW. So, I know it will never happen and I'm fine with that. I may have felt differently if he had been remorseful and wanted to try and work it out.

SBB posted 8/30/2013 17:09 PM

My financial settlement was completed a few months ago. I went through a 3m False R so am very confident I do not ever want anything R with him at all.

I did waste quite a bit of time searching for clues that the man I thought I married was in there somewhere. I was bitterly disappointed. I no longer hope for it but I would be lying if I said it wouldn't be nice to know that I wasn't so completely fucking wrong.

The dreaded 'what ifs' are completely normal and is something you may need to actively stop yourself from doing if it has become a habit.

I don't daydream about him anymore, I daydream about my own future. Watching my girls grow, adventures I'd like to have with them, my future relationships etc.

I also completely relate to 'potential'. So much. I think that is pretty common too.

I am sad that during that M I spent so much time focussing on his potential and far too little on mine.

phmh posted 8/30/2013 17:54 PM

I did, before the divorce was final. I got screwed financially. I put XWH through medical school and invested well over $100k in his education with the payoff being his salary and me no longer having to work a demanding full-time corporate job. (I held up my end of the bargain and he cheated right as he was about to make actual money.)

When he wanted R, my financial security was my main thought. I asked him to sign a post-nup that would treat me fairly if I gave up my job to follow him to another city. Just make me whole, if he cheated again. If he didn't cheat and we divorced for other reasons, the post-nup wouldn't come into play.

He refused, saying it was punitive. That was the last time I ever even thought of R with him.

kernel posted 8/30/2013 20:40 PM

I thought about it a lot before, during and after the divorce. It took a long time for me to get to where I am now, where I know I would never reconcile with him if he came back, doing all the right things, etc. For me, I think it was both fear-based and grieving. Fear of being on my own, fear of the future, fear of the unknown and grieving the loss of a 25 year marriage and the future I had always envisioned with him.

mof2 posted 8/30/2013 20:51 PM

Yes, I did after about a month. I think it might depend on the marriage and what you thought it was before DDay. 12 hours before my H asked for a divorce he acted as happy as a clam. Hugged on me and loved on me all the time. I didn't see it coming and thought we were happy as did everybody else. 7 months in I still have that list but like you said....they aren't capable of doing it. Their selfishness is too much and doing that would mean they would have to become selfless. Unfortunately, that is not possible considering the state of mind they are in right now. That is why you have to focus on you and do your best to walk away from that dream that they one day it will just dawn on them what they have done. That is too exhausting and you deserve so much more. Keep your chin up!

sunsetslost posted 8/31/2013 16:56 PM

I used to think about it every day. My WW told me she has no intention on breaking off her affair. I believe it was an Exit Affair. She did the one thing she knew I wouldn't ultimately be able to live with. I thought I could work through it if she wanted back in but I know now that I can't.

I took a solo vacation and on the drive back I kept having the same thought. "I don't want to be with a person that is capable of doing this to another person." I don't want to live the life checking Facebook, checking phone records, checking emails. I don't want to hear her say "get over it already" when I have bad times. The things that I want out of life are now impossible with her. She's almost 40. We had been trying to start a family. Now there is no way I'd drag a child into this mess. I love my wife more than I've loved any other person or thing in the world. That is why I have to move on. I don't want a false R. She wronged me so deeply that I now can begin to let her go. I have to learn to untangle "us" and think about "me". I want to (eventually) find a woman who wants the same things in life that I do. One that will be trustworthy, strong, sharing, unselfish. All the things my STBX isn't.

The woman I married is gone. The person she has become is an unacceptable partner. Borderline human being.

Love and strength to you

HurtsButImOK posted 8/31/2013 19:43 PM

thanks all for the responses. Rather long musing post here, apologies for the length in advance.

R is NOT on the cards, I am strictly NC except for progressing settlement - which is business only via email only. I do not know what is going on in his life and I do not want to.

I think the 'R list' is on my mind because I am finally getting to an end now that he is also working towards settlement. Perhaps I took his delaying as a sign that he might want me back, maybe he is missing me, maybe he can change and this time we could work through the layers of crap/lies/deceit. Or maybe I had been programmed to excuse/deny/lie to myself for so long accepting the whole truth is fricken hard. So whilst I have been moving my life forward when this legal settlement is done I think I will finally feel completely free of him and able to truly move forward unencumbered, without that lingering sense of a gossamer tentacle of hope.

Maybe its my way of processing and accepting just how impossible R would be for me, now that I have rediscovered my self respect, should it ever come up. Part of it is the breaking of a previously established pattern I think. X and I have parted ways twice over the 16 year duration for about 6 months each time until final DD in Nov 12 when I could lie to myself no more. I think its starting to sink in that this time its really, truly over for good and on the logical level I am okay with that. Scratch that, I am not just okay with it rather I have realised it is essential, I know to my bones the relationship was unhealthy for me and I am realising with the distance and independence just how much I lost by being the doormat/supportive partner. I do not want that again. I will not tolerate that again.

Perhaps its my ego wishing for him to want to reconcile so that I can shoot it down. I think I have more musing to do over why I feel I need to think these thoughts so that I am ‘prepared’ should the R discussion ever materialise. I think I need to accept that it wont materialise, he didn’t really ever love me, it was a sick and twisted game with payback being his main motivation. Hard part is accepting that I was an active participant in that sick game. He even admitted that he had been punishing me because I broke up with him 3 or so months into the relationship. He had never forgiven me for that according to him. So 15 and a half years later he tells me this. I felt it, every single day. Why didn’t I stand up for myself…..

Maybe it really does just boil down to wanting an apology and recognition of his multiple fuck ups and deliberate cruelty.

Not going to happen, I need to accept and release that hope.

Thanks again for being here SI family. At least I have stopped lashing out to him with words he will never understand and feelings he doesn’t deserve to know I have.

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