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Hypervigililant in social settings

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Undone1 posted 8/30/2013 13:43 PM

Last night we went to a dinner party where there was a young single friend of mine there as well. She is so sweet and I know she would never do anything to hurt me, however, in her company I feel uncomfortable as I am thinking my WH is attracted to anyone that is cute, sexy, and bright. Ultimately, I think he has no control over himself and would bite at any offer made to him. I trust her more than I trust him. I know she has integrity, but I continue to question his, even though he has done nothing but be a good husband. Intellectually, I know that this is not true and he is doing everything he can to reconcile. He made a comment to her that made it sounded like they were familiar with a recent trip we took to Seattle and I don't know how she would have gotten this information. He denies anything to do with running into her or having a conversation with her, but understands why I would question him.

We had another huge argument over it last night, and like I always do, the A comes up. Pre-A I would never have been so worried and paranoid.

I just hate what infidelity has done to me and my world. There are so many damaged goods in this process! So many things stolen!! It overwhelmes me on so many levels sometimes.

I know there is nothing magical about this process. I wish there was though!

sad81712 posted 8/30/2013 14:21 PM

I too watch my WH in social settings...I would also change the channel every time an underwear commercial would come on TV!! There are two reasons I do this:
1. I believe it's my insecurity.
2.I feel I watch him because I'm still learning about a "side" of my husband I never knew before. He was alway the perfect gentlemen....he would never stare at woman or comment about what he found attractive. When I see something that doesn't sit right with me I ask him about has helped me heal. It's been a long hard year of healing for me...

rachelc posted 8/30/2013 14:42 PM

OMG, does this hit home... I could tell you where any pretty blonde is sitting wherever we are. I stake them out, then watch him out of the corner of my eye to see if he looks. I hate this, hate it! Lately, he hasn't done it but during his fog, I should have thrown him out.

And he NEVER did this before either. Someone said maybe you didn't notice it. No, I didn't notice it because he didn't do it.

Thing is, I would probably do this with ANY romantic partner now... sucks..

Insecurity on my part, probably. But a guy who has had two affairs and a wife who is trying to recover with him should probably not be looking or speaking with any female for a while, ya know!

Here's the thing, if you want to gawk, then do it. Admit to single if you want. but stop the effing cake eating and decide how you want to treat the mother of your children.

Damn this makes me angry. Sorry, Undone...

Yep, it's all part of the shit sandwich we've been dealt.


[This message edited by rachelc at 2:43 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

Undone1 posted 8/30/2013 15:02 PM

Can you ever get the trust back? Or maybe, like you said sad, it's insecurity.

I am insecure and feel that if he chose her, he must not want me. But he has chosen me. I feel good about myself when I am NOT with him but don't feel so good about myself with him.

I am wondering if I can do this or not. Its been 10 months and its still hard for me....better but hard.

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