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RubysMom posted 8/30/2013 15:46 PM

This is my first post so I am a bit nervous. On August 9 2013 I found out my WH was cheating with a 19 year old coworker. I found numerous texts and conversations in his phone that proved his affair. I immediately drove to his work and told him I knew and that I was taking our daughter and leaving him. I left for 2 weeks and during those 2 weeks we began to talk again. We have now decided to R so I am back home with my daughter. The first 3 days of being home I felt this crazy attraction and need to be held by him. We hadn't had a true connection with each other in over a year. It was hard to understand my emotions but I just went with it. Now the last 2 days I can't get the A off my mind. It is causing me to revert back to my old non affectionate ways. I don't want to go back there. I know my WH is remorseful and will do anything to keep me and my daughter. So I want to be the best woman I can be for him because I lost that woman for so long. Please any help or advice on how to hold on to my passion and love for him and not get caught up in the A.

LosferWords posted 8/30/2013 17:54 PM

Hi RubysMom

Welcome to SI. I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but I'm glad you found us. You will find a lot of support and advice here.

The "roller coaster" that you are talking about is completely normal. One thing to keep in mind is that your feelings are your feelings. Ride those feelings out and take them for what they are. Some days you will be angrier than others. Some days sad, some days happy, some days passionate. It's really a crazy ride, so buckle in!

The biggest thing to keep in mind is that you will get through this. You can not only survive, but thrive. Concentrate on healing yourself. Be sure to eat when you can, and drink plenty of water.

A lot of us have found a great deal of help by seeking IC (individual counseling) and MC (marriage counseling).

There is also a great catalog of information in the upper left hand side of the screen called the "Healing Library".

Again, welcome. I'm sure others will be along that can relate to you as well. Take care.

unfound posted 8/30/2013 18:21 PM

"come here...go away.. I love you .. I hate you.."

Perfectly normal given the circumstances. It's going to take time. Time and hard work on both your parts to get through this. He can help you by being patient with you and understanding that what you're going through is normal.

It's okay to not want to be affectionate right now. Even though you want to be the best you can be, remember that nothing you did or didn't do caused his choice to cheat.

Patchy posted 8/30/2013 19:01 PM

Oh my can I relate. First of all, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It's quite possibly the most difficult thing you will ever go through.

I was not a "touch" person for years, which is partly what caused him to think I didn't love him and fall for someone else. His love language is physical touch (if you haven't read Gary Smalley's book on the Five Love Languages, you should). Anyway, somehow ever since the A, I am TOTALLY a touch person. When he first told me, I immediately let him hold me and comfort me, which I find kind of odd.

At any rate, I have figured out "why" I had issues with touch and the fact that I am basically over that has changed everything. Is it possible there's a reason why you haven't wanted to be very affectionate with him in the past, before the A? This is something you might look into if you go to counseling.

Having said all that, it is also very normal for you to have issues being affectionate right now because of the A. It's a strange paradox. And, yes, sadly it will be a roller coaster ride for a long time to come.

Like you, I have done everything I could think of to be the wife he needed, so much so that he really didn't have to do anything. He was remorseful and finally was able to fall back in love with me and all, but it took me packing a bag and leaving last week to get him to realize that him to finally read the book, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair". He just wasn't getting what I was going through and it affected things off and on, and creating an ultimatum was the only thing that seemed to work. The book is amazing and often recommended here. I read it as well and it's good for both spouses to read. It very clearly articulates what the betrayed spouse is going through, and also helps the WS understand some of the typical thinking patterns of WS's before, during and after an affair, so it's good for both partners. It's also relatively short. Could be read in one sitting by some. I think I read it in three sittings.

After he began to read it he said it was a good book and that he should have read it a long time ago. YES! That was amazing to hear. If you can get your husband to read it, the sooner the better for both your healing.

bionicgal posted 8/31/2013 09:08 AM

Hi Ruby'sMom,
I went through a similar phase as you with the needing to be held, etc. afterwards which made me feel like a crazy person! And physical stuff was a primary issue between us before the affair, so it was really, really confusing.

My advice is to try to roll with it and not over-examine it. I worried every day that the feeling was going to go away, and honestly, it hasn't in 3 months. That doesn't mean I always feel close/affectionate, because that would be nuts with what we are going through. But, most days I do feel that way for part of the day.

I feel so incredibly lucky that to this point we have been able to use being physically intimate to help reconnect when things get difficult, but as you say - it is confusing, and I, too, worry that my capacity to do it will go away. Hang in there. I am glad you guys are trying to R, and the folks here are here for you.

RubysMom posted 8/31/2013 11:16 AM

Thank you everyone for your responses. I feel much better knowing that my feelings are normal. I am going to do my best to no over think these moments and just live in the moments! And so my R journey will continue.