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Frustrated with My Situation

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NewMom0220 posted 8/30/2013 16:16 PM

I'm just frustrated right now. 9/3 is the 6 month anniversary of DDay. I took vacation time and am going to go home to my family with the baby and stay busy and hopefully I won't think about it too much.

I'm just frustrated that my WS never came like a grown up and said let's end this. I don't know if he's trying to save face by maybe not going public or actually asking for a divorce because he doesn't want to look like the asshole who walked away from his wife and newborn.

I'm just really frustrated. I have to find a place to live or decide to move back home with my family soon. My lease is up in October. So November 1st I'll be living elsewhere. He acts like the way we are living is the most normal thing in the world.

Why do I have to be the one who has to do all of the hard stuff? I'm so mad! So angry! Who lives like this?

His truck stinks like pickles. He lives out of suitcases. Sleeps at his sister's house in a loft upstairs. Comes and goes doing whatever the eff he wants.

Meanwhile, I'm taking care of EVERYTHING. The dogs, the baby, the house....obviously this isn't going to work out and I've given up on him. He lacks remorse and acts angry towards me like I did something to him....



All the way up until last October my marriage was fine. We were partners...then in husband, my BFF did this horrible thing and he's treated me like shit ever since.

How do people exist like this? How can you be so careless and heartless to your wife and child? He thinks he's a good dad because he picks him up and drops him off.

GRRRRRR....I just need to vent.

On the upside, I'm doing better. Just got a project at my job that will keep me busy until 2015. My son is a 6 month old but the size of a 13 month old. He is super healthy and happy.

I'm just pissed and frustrated and I wish he would spontaneously combust.

NewMom0220 posted 8/30/2013 16:28 PM

Just have to add, I'M NOT THE ONE!

hellzapoppin posted 8/30/2013 16:34 PM

Hon you sound amazing.

I could barely take care of myself let alone a baby, a job, the dogs, all that you're doing.

You deserve better than a guy whose truck stinks like a pickle!

I've got a gas can & a lighter, point me his way for a not so spontaneous combustion!

You're doing great, your child is lucky to have you.

SBB posted 8/30/2013 16:41 PM

They do shit like this because they are fucked up. I don't know the scientific word for it but fucked up works for me.

They compartmentalise, demonise us and rewrite the marriage history. With the venom I have been subjected to I have to remind myself that I did not fuck other people during our relationship - he did.

You don't have to wait around waiting for him to decide what he's going to do.

There's a great line from an Evanescence song I read here in someone's tag line "Pack up your things, I've made up your mind".

I did the same thing. I stepped back waiting for him to decide what he was going to do whilst I was in in-house S hell and hanging onto hope that paralysed me. I then fell into False R because I thought I saw some crumbs.

It is so hard to accept what your eyes are seeing. It goes against everything we ever thought about these people.

If I am totally honest with myself I have to say I knew he would cheat one day. I just hoped he wouldn't. I NEVER expected the fuckery he has pulled since DD. I never expected him to fuck me over so royally in every way he could. I haven't really hurt about what he did to me as his wife anywhere near as much as I've hurt about what he did to me as an XW.

I don't understand it. I've stopped trying. More importantly I've stopped needing to try to understand it. Time, NC, detaching all helped me get to this.

Shift your focus away from him and pour it into you and your baby boy. I promise you it won't always feel this way.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 5:28 AM, August 31st (Saturday)]

PhantomLimb posted 9/1/2013 21:11 PM

This still comes to mind for me a lot (the "Whys")... but I'm realizing now that they are usually attended by some kind of emotional shift that is going on with me. Sometimes I'm just plain sad. Or a little depressed. Or lonely.

These days I just let myself feel whatever that emotion is, I try not to analyze it or ask myself questions I can't answer. And then after 5, 10 mins or an hour and a couple of hours, it subsides.

So get mad. Get angry. Feel it. Then try to sit with it and let it go.

And I'm trying to channel my angry moments into working out. I say that as I eat a bunch of dark chocolate.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 9:12 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]

Strongmama posted 9/1/2013 23:52 PM

You are amazing first off. Like others here have said you are strong and working; taking care of babies and life while he drives around in his pickle smelling truck...very odd by the way!
I'm sorry you are going through this, and especially with a baby, but you are going to be fine; great even. Take it day to day and know you won't have all the answers today.
If you have family to go live with that would probably help you with the baby that would be great! If you get along with them of course...
Please just try to take a few minutes for yourself everyday. I know it's hard; I have three, but they're older, and I know babies are non stop.
I'm not giiving any good advice here.
I'm sorry and just stay strong!!!

tesla posted 9/2/2013 07:53 AM

My ex-shat would not say the word divorce. He hemmed, he hawed, he said, "I just don't know how to come back, I don't know how to be a husband..." and other assorted bullshit.

I had to say we were getting a divorce. I had to file. I had to split all the financials. I had to hold down the house, dogs, kiddo while he was out living large with his stripper-whore.

Your WH and my ex-shat are cowards. They can not face reality nor can they make the hard decisions.

Thank god we can.
So FTG. You keep on with your path because it is what is best for you and your baby. He is not going to step up and start doing the hard stuff.

ruinedandbroken posted 9/2/2013 10:15 AM

Mine didn't say divorce at first either. He left me with two kids, a 30 yr. old house with a big yard, a dog, and all the responsibilities that go with all of that. On top of all of that, I have no family in town to help with any of it. He eventually filed for divorce 7 months later because he and OW were so IN LOOOOOOOVE. Sadly, for him, she broke up with him to go back to her husband 3 months after he filed.

Ashland13 posted 9/2/2013 10:25 AM

Nearly Exh is just starting to say the word "divorce". He wouldn't say it for a long time, either. Or "Ex".

You ask the same questions that I do, New Mom and some more come to mind.

The thing I am learning, is that he doesn't think like me and it sounds like your WH clearly doesn't think like you. For a time we were a situation that they wanted and as sh is going on in their minds, they've decided that we are not "it" for them any longer. This is why I say we think differently, because I do things and I love for the long haul, not when it's convenient and easy.

The way your WH is acting sounds like denial, in my opinion or blinders on his part to what he has done. Nearly Exh does the same thing and is very pompous-sounding at the same time his visitation time with DD is being drastically reduced. He seems unconcerned that she will live the rest of her life without her father, this doesn't seem to phase him.

We also have to change where we live against our choice and when it has to be discussed, he plays head games.

I'm sorry for your pain and give you much credit for all you've accomplished. I get angry at the pain because it seems to block our ability to realize all the good we do, too.

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/2/2013 10:32 AM

Mine has not said the word divorce either. He has said I don't want to be with you, has left, has taken off his ring, but hasn't filed. I sat him down the other night and said if this is what you want you need to start putting it into motion. He said he would talk to his dad (divorce atty) this weekend. I told him that for the record, divorce is not what I want.

Not sure if he has talked to his dad yet but I did ask him to give me a heads up. Until I know I want a divorce, I refuse to do his dirty work.

sleepless34 posted 9/2/2013 11:21 AM

Oh, NewMom0220- so sorry for your situation. I know! Totally feel the same way. These people are cowards, they are weak and pathetic and selfish. He has to be angry at you, because "if the marriage wasn't bad, obviously I wouldn't have done this" it is the only way they can justify it in their PEA brains. He acts heartless because he is heartless. He has to be to protect his storyline...the one he tells himself.

Let me say, what a douche! Mine is a total douche too. I too am so pissed my head might blow off too.

Some one said it nicely...I stopped needing to try to understand....because the truth is, sadly, because I want to understand too....

you will never understand, there will never be any justification or apology that will work. You just have to stop waiting for it, and that for me is the hardest part.

NewMom0220 posted 9/2/2013 22:58 PM

Thanks Everyone! I'm so grateful to all of you for posting and responding. It's a daily struggle but I'm finding myself turning to healthier outlets than before.

Friday night when he came to drop the baby he was super late. Close to 10pm. He brings him home late often and regularly he brings him home between 8:30-9. Way too late for an infant. He thinks this time at night is his scheduled time (although we don't have an official schedule) with him so he hangs out as his parents (who baby sit during the day) with the baby, But my FIL said he doesnt even get there till way after 7pm.

I've been too nice, too accomodating, too flexible. I'm about to put my foot down and add more boundaries to this mess.

I asked him if he ever stops at happy hour on the way to get DS. He said "of course not! dS comes first and I would never!" (lie) I said, "I was just tired. I've been really tired since I took on a second job."

He then told me that he got a second job moonlighting as a barback at his favorite dive bar a few nights a week. My alcoholic WS actually made this terrible decision (no, not him!) and told me about it like he wanted a reaction out of me. Like a child testing a parent. I just looked at him and said, "is that really the best decision?" He said, no, I hate it!

I said goodnight and off he went. I called my mom to vent. I then went straight to the iPad and downloaded Alanon self help books and have been reading ever since. It's more of the same Codependent No More and Detachment advice. It's perfect. It's more about me and my future and my life.

I can't worry that he'll get another DUI, that he'll jeopardize his custody time, that he'll lose his primary job (a very good one where he makes good money BTW), or just that he clearly isn't thinking about this precious boy like he should be....but that will get me nowhere.

He has to hit rock bottom and I have to stop caring about what he's doing. It's clear that he wants me to care but then resents me for caring.

Anyway, I'm proud of myself. Proud that even though my son might be coming from a broken home, he won't experience the instability of living with an alcoholic.

Reading this literature has really shed some light on what I've been living with for the last 8 years. We are both text book....he the alcoholic and me the Codependent Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

I will be setting down more boundaries about his time with DS and his driving DS when I get back. Im also going to my first Alanon meeting. Thanks again friends. It's a work in progress.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 11:02 PM, September 2nd (Monday)]

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