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HurtButHopeful? posted 8/30/2013 16:36 PM

Fear of abandonment (FOA) issues plagued me before M my H 23 years ago. Come to realize they had never left...I just had a loving H, and his L and commitment were a band-aid for the FOA.

His A, and subsequent request for a D ripped the band-aid off, and now I am back to where I was before I met him.

He's a great guy in many ways: loving, affectionate, handsome, fit, kind, and pleasant, with a touch of conflict avoider and people pleaser.

I'm a vacillating, controlling victim. It is easier to live with him than it is to live with me.

Now my messed up mind says that I am not loveable and he is with me to prove to himself and the world that he can keep his promises, not because he L me.

I actually believed he L me when we got M, and for 19 years until the A. Now I can't believe him, even though he says he L me. His words on Dday#1 keep ringing in my ears, "I haven't L you in 5 years." He says that was foggy talk, but my own issues (FOA) won't let me believe that he actually does L me, and that the A was just a serious "blip" in his life that overflowed into my life.

Anyone else have FOA keeping them from believing WS after so many years?

crazyblindsided posted 8/30/2013 16:48 PM

Well I am only 18 months out but I can surely identify with you. I have this FOO issue as well and of course the A just exacerbates it

And I too am a vacillator, controlling, victim. And my WH is Avoider, actually he scored pretty high in all areas on the Love Style tests from the other thread.

I am wondering if this is another aha for me, that the reason I am fighting WH or believing him could be because of my FOO? He is a repeat offender so I am sure that plays into some of it.

HurtButHopeful? posted 8/30/2013 17:08 PM

cbs, sorry you are dealing with the same internal issue.

Along with the FOA, throw in some shame for having FOA and you have HBH.

Because of FOA, I'm having a knee jerk reaction of not wanting to be vulnerable to H again, because of course, he is going to leave me again when he realizes I not a worthy mate since I stayed with a man who really doesn't L me.

Now I'm more insecure than I was when I first realized I had FOA issues.