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jumbie posted 8/30/2013 19:33 PM

Hi. New here. My husband first cheated on me while I was pregnant in 2008. I discovered it midway through my pregnancy (which feels like the worst and most despicable time to cheat on one's wife) and was absolutely devastated. I had a legal document drawn up to protect my unborn child and I, we did books, therapy and a lot of talking.

He then cheats on me again in 2009, but I didn't find out until 2010. Both were online. The first was with a stranger. The second he attempted to illicit sexual talk with an ex. We have been married several years and have 3 small children.
To the best of my knowledge, he has not been unfaithful since.

One of the parameters for me not leaving and to build trust is complete honesty (even if you have a tiny doubt I might want to know X you are doing on computer, you must tell me kind of thing). He's lied to me twice this year (that I know of). The first was using our money to buy stocks for months without telling me and the other happened last week.

He has a portable-like hard drive. He literally bought it to store the copious amount of video games he was downloading. I rarely go out to the car before he goes to work, but did last week and stumbled upon said "black box"/ hard drive in the seat. It literally weighs like 1/2 lb. Yet, he said he put it in there so he wouldn't forget it and didn't want to carry it with his other stuff (other stuff includes one plastic lunch bag). This coming from a man who will carry 10 grocery bags in just not to have to take a second trip to the car. He then says he was going to use it for gaming during his free time at work. I immediately demand it be hooked up to a computer so I could view it. With 3 little ones waiting for mommy to play, I didn't have time to look at everything, but from what I saw it was game stuff and a couple of regular movies. He knows I disagree with downloading things one does not pay for. We left it at me saying that even though it might not be a cheating thing he was hiding, I was not buying his story and believe he was being sneaky. I wake up yesterday in what might have been a panic attack. Heart felt like a rock, I was sobbing, livid etc. It was kind of the same feeling when I was suspicious he was being disloyal online the first time. I don't know if it is God, my body, my intuition or what, but I'll get a reaction like that as if to tell me that something is amiss. He sees this reaction and admits that he planned to download more movies (not sex related) at work and didn't come clean fully because he knew I'd be disappointed in him. I felt like I hated him yesterday and today am walking around in a fog of sorts.

We planned to possibly renew our vows early next year and now it feels like we are back on some lingering death path to divorce. He's been told time and time again each lie or sneaky behavior leads to all the old stuff flooding back. Whatever trust was built goes several steps back...AGAIN. I'm not sure how much I can take. Any stories of the lying stopping for a significant time period? If so, what helped?

He's not like a girl or sex addict. He's an anything and everything addict (non substances). He latches onto to one thing (sometimes risking our livelihood as it usually occurs at his job)and is completely excessive and obsessive about it. We just moved into a new house so that only adds to the resentment. If he was a complete jerk, I probably would've left. But, he's the guy that people were shocked to find cheated. He's the not so normal dad that diapers, feeds, plays, grocery shops etc with the kids. He's also my best friend. Why risk my heartache and our happiness for something so unimportant? I'm incredibly loyal and honest, so I just can't quite get why someone who wants to be with me SO much does things that risks our family's happiness and the trust I'm trying to rebuild with him. I'm not leaving him over this lie, but in this moment feel he will always be liar. :(

I know this is long, so thanks for hanging in if you made it through the post.

unfound posted 8/30/2013 19:40 PM

Welcome to SI jumbie

Has your H ever been to or would he agree to counseling for his addictive behavior AND the past affairs?

Trust is a foundation of a healthy relationship. If you don't have it, do you think you could be happy?

Jrazz posted 8/30/2013 20:28 PM

I think that there's definitely a call for therapy for the "everything" addict. My FWH struggles with this as well. It's less that all these things are meaningful to him, and more that he has really poor impulse control. An army of therapists have linked this to his ADHD and depression stemming from FOO issues. He is on a medication regimen and in intensive therapy, and he still struggles with willpower of any kind.

What he HAS become a lot better at is admitting when he is going into fib-and-hide mode, and working with me to curb the behavior.

It's a long, hard road, but if your H is willing to get help there's a way out of it.

(((jumbie)))

jumbie posted 8/30/2013 20:55 PM

One of the "requirements" for me taking him back was both individual and couples therapy, so we have done that, but due to busy schedules with 3 small children and the expense of it, we haven't been in quite some time. We have an appointment next week. He's been depressed and anxious. Before this recent lie he suggested he go back to individual therapy.

He is about as ADHD as a turtle. He very much resembles it in terms of poor judgment and impulse control, but he is neither inattentive nor hyper. He does however have a major anxiety disorder that he is on medication for. Unlike me though, he has no "toolbox" of positive coping skills. Until he musters the energy to build this, I fear I will always be at risk with him. He wants easy and fast, but trust and happiness don't work like that.

No. I will not be happy with someone I cannot trust. My happiness at this point comes from my 3 precious children and a job I truly love. I can never be as happy with him as I once was because the innocence is forever lost. I stayed in hopes I could be happy if one day we could get back maybe 75% of that trust. The lies keep us far away from that though. It is like +1 for a good day and -50 for a lie or secret.

jumbie posted 9/3/2013 22:12 PM

bump