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Newest Member: silenceisnotgold (46036)

User Topic: Truthful contradiction?
krazy8516
♀ 40076
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have seen a lot of people say that they stayed with their WS because he/ she is a good father/ mother. Suddenly the claws come out and everyone is quick to point out that if he/ she was a good father/ mother, he/ she wouldn't have lied & cheated.

Agreed. But...

I have seen my WH interact with our daughter from day 1, and I refuse to see him as anything except a great dad. Sure, during the A I might as well have been a single mom. He was absentee, even when he was here. But before and after the A? I couldn't have asked for a more loving, attentive father for my little girl. And I'm not gonna lie, it's a huge part of my decision to stay.

He may be a shitty husband sometimes (and during the A he was a pretty shitty dad), but he insists that he is committed to this M, and he has certainly shown that he is committed to being there for his daughter. I think it just might be the most important reason I still love him....


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
RockyMtn
♀ 37043
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see where you are coming from. I hope my overall parenting is not judged by a bad period in my life. I mean, addicts who get clean and stay clean are often seen as great parents with a ton of love and wisdom - even if they did shitty things at one point. Or someone with a mental issue. Maybe they get into a long depressive funk - but get treatment and meds. Are they to be called shitty parents overall? Or were they just shitty for a period?

Having said that, it doesn't change that the A is a ridiculously poor parenting choice. Not only does a cheater sacrifice their presence with the kiddos, they also sacrifice the family in general. And put BS in a tailspin that compromises their parenting.

Whether we see it or not now, As wreak havoc on kids. Big time. No amount of good parenting before or after can erase that. It can make it better, but it doesn't erase it.

I get riled up at my WH about his A when I look in the big brown eyes of my children. They are "too young to remember" but I don't think for a minute this didn't affect them. And I hate WH for that during some moments.

But I agree - a big part of staying with WH is that I think we are a rockstar parenting team. Very in tune with one another. It'd be hard to find someone else like that. And, frankly, it makes me fall harder in love with him.

[This message edited by RockyMtn at 9:22 PM, August 30th (Friday)]


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
sunflowergirl30
♀ 28979
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont judge any bs for their reasons for staying or leaving. I dont want it flipped on me as a bs.

Wh was a shitty h and dad during his affair. He has to live with that everyday.

He has to face our daughters


Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.
Wh-lying, cheater now 37
Me- crazy bs now 38
2 teens and a dog
Mow- married old whore now 50


1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010


Posts: 1132 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that there is a difference between being a good dad and being a good father.

My stbx is a *great*(ish) dad. When he is with the kids he is tuned in with them, engaged with them, and involved with them.

My stbx as a *father*? Not so much. I see a *father* as the one that imparts the morals and whatnot. A father is the one that teaches the kids the *life lessons*. In that aspect my stbx has failed miserably......and my kids have noticed.

Krazy, don't focus on what type of dad your WH is. Focus on whether he is able to attain the relationship skills that will lead to a fulfilling life-long union with him because the kids will grow up and move away to their own lives someday....and, to be blunt, you'll be stuck your WH.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8252 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
jb3199
♂ 27673
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Krazy,

I think that it is fair to say that when others are judging a WS as being a bad father/mother, they are taking about when they were in the affair. Just as mentioned that a recovering addict was not a good parent during their time of usage, it is just that---a judgement of a time period---that most are referring to.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 22yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2147 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
dontknowwhyme
♂ 21587
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always said, even in the worst parts of our marriage and divorce that XW was a good mother.

Granted I was angered for a while that she spent time the kids deserved to pursue her own satisfaction.


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 1011 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
krazy8516
♀ 40076
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a big part of staying with WH is that I think we are a rockstar parenting team. Very in tune with one another. It'd be hard to find someone else like that. And, frankly, it makes me fall harder in love with him.

^This. Especially the last sentence. I love watching them together. He adores her, and she has him wrapped around his little finger. My heart melts when I watch them play, or snuggle. I'll admit though, it triggers me sometimes too. Because he is so awesome with her, and I never would have imagined he'd do anything to hurt her.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
PurpleRose
♀ 33129
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm on the other side--- the Dooosh was an involved dad when it suited him pre-A. He did the things that he enjoyed, and off they happened to be things the kids liked too, great! If not, he did them anyways. (Many times without us).

Now that we are D he is a complete fuckup in the dad department. Our oldest challenged his views of his A and told him the OW is a whore when he tried to describe her as a sweetheart. He got angry and defensive towards her, and they have not spoken or seen each other since 2011. Now he has completely disowned her (this now adult child of mine, he became her Dad when she was 6 months old and did adopt her as well). Who fucking does that??

Our other daughter has spent ONE day with her father since March. And that was only because it was Fathers Day and I forced her to go. She was and is so hurt and angry at him that even his promises of puppies and presents do NOTHING for her.

He takes my son EOW, and is a complete Disney Dad. Jet skiing, bowling, shooting, eating out, poker games, etc... Runs the kid ragged and sends him home utterly exhausted. Oh, and then tells him "a few things about your mother..." things a 10 year old has no business knowing. (Things I did as a teenager, stupid decisions I made, told his bio kids their older sister isn't really their sister because she has another dad... Shit like this.)

Despicable behavior. Screws with their heads. Fucks with their perception of family and their reality. Great timing for that!! All the while I keep defending their dad, encouraging them (ALL) to call, text, go visit with him.

So you see, he may appear to be wrapped around her little finger now, but just wait until she is old enough to challenge him. Sometimes the blinders are really tight and you can only see what you hope to see.

My hope is that you do have one of the good ones. I know another dad who's ex is a WW and he is just like you've described- over involved, caring, interested in the kids. It's not about him. It's about his kids.

:)


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Topic Posts: 8

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