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Why do I care?

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Pass posted 8/30/2013 21:54 PM

It's been a little while since I've been upset about things she's done - pissed off, yes, but not upset.

A couple weeks ago, I had the boys for a week and we took the greyhound to Montreal for a few days. Well, last weekend, the boys were at my parents' place, so The Princess and I both had the weekend off.

So what did she do? She went to Montreal and stayed in the exact same hotel we did on our holiday. Then she told the boys, who in turn told me.

I don't know if she was with someone, but I can probably assume. She doesn't like to spend time without a man, so it wouldn't be surprising that she wasn't alone.

I thought that I was done caring about that kind of shit, but found it quite jarring when the boys let me know. Knowing her, she was probably hoping they would tell me. I just want to weep.

newlysingle posted 8/30/2013 22:01 PM


This whole infidelity ride is a roller coaster. Just when you think you're doing well and standing on your feet something else knocks you down.

For the most part, I don't think or care about STBX either, but I can still hear things that trigger me as well. DD has been telling me all about his new furniture, the upcoming trip to Belgium, etc. I know OW will be going with him. It always hits me like bricks when I first hear it. Then I just kind of become numb to it again.

I know we will both get to a point where it really won't matter. Where you won't even flinch when you hear stuff like that. It's hard waiting to get to that point of indifference though.

Nature_Girl posted 8/30/2013 22:11 PM

You care because you're not capable of flipping a switch & turning off your heart & soul. It hurts because you are a sympathetic human being who has been deeply wounded by betrayal. Over time it will hurt less. A few months ago I finally had irrefutable confirmation about a particular incident of STBX cheating. It didn't hurt. Not at all. In fact, it felt like triumphant vindication that yes, I'm right about this incident.

Of course as I continue to find out how perverted & deviant my STBX is, that continues to hurt & frighten me. But that's only because I think he presents a danger to the children.

tryingagain74 posted 8/30/2013 22:15 PM

It was hard for me to hear about the Owife doing the EXACT same things with my kids that I used to do with them on the family beach trip that I used to be a part of for many years. I'm sure that I'll care a whole lot less next year since this year was the first time, and I think it's normal to still care until more time elapses.

The Princess, however, is a weirdo. What was she trying to prove? "Ha ha, I can stay at this hotel in Montreal too!"

Um... okay. Congratulations on learning how to make a hotel reservation all by yourself.

5454real posted 8/30/2013 23:01 PM

Brother, wasn't that long ago that you questioned my calling her NPD.

Still got doubts?

ButterflyGirl posted 8/31/2013 02:13 AM

Um... okay. Congratulations on learning how to make a hotel reservation all by yourself.

Brother, wasn't that long ago that you questioned my calling her NPD. Still got doubts?

Just want to say pass, I think NPD when you talk about her because of her DELIBERATE attempts to hurt you. She could have picked any fucking hotel, but noooooo, she picked the one that would get under your skin and hurt you. Why? Cause she has a personality disorder. All waywards aren't this deliberately cruel and manipulative..

The sad part is that I don't really have extra advice for you. I'm dealing with NPD, but it STILL FUCKING HURTS. I *know* in my head that he's just trying to hurt me, but I just can't get it to stop. I have to keep believing what everyone says, that indifference will come one day..

I had a guy be a total dick to me the other night, but I don't care what he thinks, so all I thought was "pshhh, douche." Why can't I do that with STBX?? When he attempts to hurt me, I just want to think the same, "pshhh, douche." It's obviously not as easy, but here's to hoping it can happen...

suckstobeme posted 8/31/2013 06:12 AM

Pass, I'm sorry that you have that kicked in the gut feeling again. It gets better, but it is still hard for me sometimes to hear about ex and the slunt. You're totally normal and still flipping around in this storm a bit.

That said, my first thought on this was that she's lying. This woman LOVES to get to you. I put nothing past her and I think she got pissed that you did something fun and happy with the kids. I think she lied and told them she stayed in the same hotel because she wanted to shit on your moment and she knew they would tell you.

She's a liar and a manipulator and she knows she has the ability to get under your skin. That's why it woluld be beneficial for you to read up on NPD and gather some good strategies for reaching indifference. Even if you aren't there yet, you need to give her the impression that you could care less. I still cry and feel sad over this sometimes, but to my ex, I give a great impression that i could care less and would probably dance a jig if he dropped dead tomorrow.

Ashland13 posted 8/31/2013 12:47 PM

It seems to be some kind of Princess Game, I have a feeling that she is toying with you and I don't like it.

FWIW, an NPD trait that I've witnessed is to have to have a "partner" at all times, for ego's sake, in part because she may not be secure in life on her own.

I know that Perv (very NPD) is not secure on his own and my mother (NPD)as well, where my father went a long while on his own being single (Not NPD, rather, codependent).

For some reason she seems to have a need for you to know of her whereabouts and it's just not helpful for you to heal.

From Perv at times, I get missent messages that are clearly for OW and I have to wonder how such a perfectionist could make that type of mistake, or is it, too, a game?

ETA that yes, I also work hard at giving an impression that I don't care what Perv is up to-I'm starting to not, finally, but it's coming very slowly and I hope it will come for you, too. If you can not reply or send messages through your kids to her, it may show detachment and maybe someday she'll get the message to go away.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 12:49 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]

Pass posted 8/31/2013 20:10 PM

Thanks, guys. I guess you're right. I started this journey thinking she had just been an arsehole, than came to the conclusion that she is an arsehole, and eventually that she has always been an arsehole.

Now I'm learning that she was/is emotionally abusive, and is NPD.

This is a lot to take in. Thanks so much for helping me along!

I keep thinking that I don't care anymore, and then she finds a way to get to me!

Nature_Girl posted 8/31/2013 20:46 PM

For future reference, my STBX deliberately one-ups me all the time when it comes to the kids. If I get them a game and they tell him they love it, he goes out & gets them the latest & greatest version of that game, blowing my gift out of the water. If I take them to a BBQ and they tell him about it, he finds a BBQ to take them to. For Christmas the kids told him they each got six presents from me. He'd only given them four presents. He immediately went out & purchased three more gifts each & gave them to the kids a few days after Christmas. Whatever I do he has to top it.

I'm telling you this 'cuz I have a feeling that you're in for the same treatment.

Abbondad posted 8/31/2013 20:55 PM

FWIW, an NPD trait that I've witnessed is to have to have a "partner" at all times, for ego's sake, in part because she may not be secure in life on her own.

Interesting. My STBXWW who I am sure is NPD has NEVER been without boyfriend since she was a young teen. They "overlapped." She would meet someone else, leave the other guy broke hearted and go to the next. Come to think of it, she cheated on a few of them: had a boyfriend, met a guy, betrayed the boyfriend and left to be with the new guy.

Guess I should have seen this as a big red flag when she told me ten years ago, huh? I just lasted more than the other poor suckers.

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