Hello SI,
This is my first post, but I have lurked and read and commiserated silently with you all for a few years. My short story is that in Jan 2012, I discovered my husband had cheated on me with a 25 year old intern whom he supervised the previous summer. I found out the way many do, by seeing a text message from him to her, and though I knew we had been going through a rough patch, it came as a total shock. It completely tainted my memories of everything that happened during that time and after, including our daughter's first birthday, my brother's wedding, vacations, etc. We went to therapy, both MC and IC, and made real strides in reconciliation, and though it hasn't been easy, it seemed like our marriage was stronger than before. Flash forward to this past year, we moved back to the U.S. and my husband took a very stressful job that kept him at the office for long hours, leaving me to care for our child and the house completely. There were definitely times that I was anxious that he might not be working late like he said he was (his MO during the cheating), but he was always at his desk when i called, kept me informed of his whereabouts when he left, and didn't seem to be hiding anything on his phone or email, which I checked periodically whenever I felt nervous. In general though, I don't feel like he is up to something, but once bitten, twice shy, I listen much more closely now when he talks about female coworkers, etc. Well, the other day he came home from getting a physical done at the doctor, who asked him when he was last tested for HIV, and he thought that was really strange since we've been together for 11 years (he claims not to have had sex with the intern) and he's had to do drug test with this job, etc. The doctor then asked him if I had been tested, and he said "well she's 34 weeks pregnant so I'm pretty sure they would have tested her at the prenatal stuff, so she's good." At the time I agreed it was a strange thing for this doctor to harp, but later on got to thinking that maybe my husband was trying to tell me something, cause he acted strangely about it too, so I asked him if I should be worried. He said no, he didn't mean it that way, just wanted to give me an example of how strange this doctor was who gave him the physical. Tonight, he comes home after going to a baseball game with a friend, is extremely intoxicated, and starts going on and on about how I still don't trust him, that I have contempt for him everyday, that now he knows why I asked him about the HIV, it has been two years and I should trust him, but that I hate him instead. He then of course passes out before we can resolve anything. The truth is that he is partly right, I don't trust him completely. Lately I've been on guard, not as affectionate as before I was pregnant, and worried that he might do it again once this baby comes. During therapy, the counselor made him realize how unprepared he had been for fatherhood and the responsibility of it all, and now that we are expecting our second, I'm scared he's going to fall into that trap again with a girl who makes him feel young and untethered.
So I guess what I'm asking is about trust, does it ever come back completely once it has been broken? If so, how long? If not, can a marriage survive that? I do love my husband, and I believe he loves me, but will I ever stop wondering if his next fling is right around the corner because I'm busy raising our children?
