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WH still doesn't think I trust him, and he's right

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Beaglegirl posted 8/30/2013 23:04 PM

Hello SI,
This is my first post, but I have lurked and read and commiserated silently with you all for a few years. My short story is that in Jan 2012, I discovered my husband had cheated on me with a 25 year old intern whom he supervised the previous summer. I found out the way many do, by seeing a text message from him to her, and though I knew we had been going through a rough patch, it came as a total shock. It completely tainted my memories of everything that happened during that time and after, including our daughter's first birthday, my brother's wedding, vacations, etc. We went to therapy, both MC and IC, and made real strides in reconciliation, and though it hasn't been easy, it seemed like our marriage was stronger than before. Flash forward to this past year, we moved back to the U.S. and my husband took a very stressful job that kept him at the office for long hours, leaving me to care for our child and the house completely. There were definitely times that I was anxious that he might not be working late like he said he was (his MO during the cheating), but he was always at his desk when i called, kept me informed of his whereabouts when he left, and didn't seem to be hiding anything on his phone or email, which I checked periodically whenever I felt nervous. In general though, I don't feel like he is up to something, but once bitten, twice shy, I listen much more closely now when he talks about female coworkers, etc. Well, the other day he came home from getting a physical done at the doctor, who asked him when he was last tested for HIV, and he thought that was really strange since we've been together for 11 years (he claims not to have had sex with the intern) and he's had to do drug test with this job, etc. The doctor then asked him if I had been tested, and he said "well she's 34 weeks pregnant so I'm pretty sure they would have tested her at the prenatal stuff, so she's good." At the time I agreed it was a strange thing for this doctor to harp, but later on got to thinking that maybe my husband was trying to tell me something, cause he acted strangely about it too, so I asked him if I should be worried. He said no, he didn't mean it that way, just wanted to give me an example of how strange this doctor was who gave him the physical. Tonight, he comes home after going to a baseball game with a friend, is extremely intoxicated, and starts going on and on about how I still don't trust him, that I have contempt for him everyday, that now he knows why I asked him about the HIV, it has been two years and I should trust him, but that I hate him instead. He then of course passes out before we can resolve anything. The truth is that he is partly right, I don't trust him completely. Lately I've been on guard, not as affectionate as before I was pregnant, and worried that he might do it again once this baby comes. During therapy, the counselor made him realize how unprepared he had been for fatherhood and the responsibility of it all, and now that we are expecting our second, I'm scared he's going to fall into that trap again with a girl who makes him feel young and untethered.
So I guess what I'm asking is about trust, does it ever come back completely once it has been broken? If so, how long? If not, can a marriage survive that? I do love my husband, and I believe he loves me, but will I ever stop wondering if his next fling is right around the corner because I'm busy raising our children?

1DumbHusband posted 8/31/2013 03:29 AM

As a FWH, I would like to offer my opinion. I wouldn't expect you to start trusting again for a long time. I hurt my wonderful BS a lot over our short M, and I fully expect it'll take me years to earn back some semblance of trust. I have to make changes to who I am if I am going to do that...and they have to be permanent changes. No inappropriate (or even friendly) contact with female co-workers outside of what is required for the job, spending more time at home with the wife and kids, and generally being more loving and attentive to my BS. These are my changes I have to make. Some may be similar for your WH. He needs to understand he caused this distrust and if he really wants to R, then he has to live under the microscope for as long as it takes for that trust to come back...if it ever does! Is he prepared to work every day knowing that it may never come back? You'll have to be the judge of whether he's doing enough for you.

Clarrissa posted 8/31/2013 08:48 AM

First of all, I hope you meant HPV not HIV. The first is fairly harmless, the second is not. If you *did* mean HIV, get tested ASAP. Just because you may have been "clean" if/when tested before, doesn't mean you are *now*. Because, quite frankly, I don't believe for a second your WHs A didn't go physical. Why? Because if he wanted to "feel youmg" then having sex with a younger woman would do that, especially if he feels he's getting on in years. You wouldn't be the first member whose WH gave her HIV/AIDS. It's a scary thought that your WH would potentially put your life and that of your unborn child at risk through selfishness but it happens.He tried blowing the doctor's question of HIV off but IMO the doc wouldn't have asked just for the hell of it, he/she would have had reason.

Second, listen to your gut. It seems to be telling you *something* isn't quite right. His phone may have nothing incriminating but he very well could have deleted texts as he read them. (Did that myself). And who's to say OW isn't with him when you call? My point is, if a WS wants to cake-eat, they'll find a way to keep the bakery open.

As for trust, that will come back (slowly) when he's proven, with *consistent actions*, that he can be trusted but that trust will never be 100%. It can't be, not after what he's done.

Losttransport posted 8/31/2013 11:01 AM

I'm almost 18 months from my DDay, and no, I still don't trust WH. Transparency is there for email and phone, but he hurt me so deeply that I don't ever, ever want to put all of my heart at his mercy again.
I know that may be a contradiction because I do love him, but I don't ever want to be blind again.

crazyblindsided posted 8/31/2013 17:38 PM

I am also 18 months out and do not trust my WH. He is a serial cheater and I experienced false R with him with his A with MOW. Lots of broken NC with MOW. My WH will be lucky if I trust him even halfway at this point.

pewpewpew posted 8/31/2013 18:10 PM

No of course not, I will never again trust WH completely. He's lost that faith in us.
I used to trust blindly, silly me...
After a few DDays I finally pulled my head out of my ass. I did believe, for a long time that they were "just friends". Why shouldn't I? I didn't want to be THAT wife whose WH was cheating or couldn't have "friends".

I'm in a way happy this has happened. I've opened my eyes to what people CAN do no matter how innocent it comes across. No more friends of the opposite sex. No more lies. No more assuming.

We can build on this. Yes, it's heartbreaking. It has shattered my world. But - I see it as a stepping stool to a great, solid marriage.
My grandmother was married for 44 years. It did not shatter her world. She was the strongest woman I knew. Her marriage suffered huge obstacles which she overcame. It's empowering. I do believe that any marriage that succeeds and runs a long course will in fact suffer infidelities.
Sadly, yes.

As far as the HIV testing, please get checked again. This is worrisome.
Make sure you are taking care of your health.

PamJ posted 9/1/2013 10:10 AM

<<I'm almost 18 months from my DDay, and no, I still don't trust WH. Transparency is there for email and phone, but he hurt me so deeply that I don't ever, ever want to put all of my heart at his mercy again.
I know that may be a contradiction because I do love him, but I don't ever want to be blind again.>>

Ditto for me, word for word.

It will never be the same, has never been the same, since his first EA 16 years ago. I thought we were past that, but in late 2011 he had another, broke it off when I caught him early 2012. No contact for 6-8 months (his timeline changes) then reconnected with her again.
So no, never the same level of trust no matter how many times he tries to reassure me, promise me it will never happen again and does all the right things day after day.

I have told him it all changed, it was never the same after the first time 16 years ago when I naively thought he would NEVER betray me.

Never the same.

[This message edited by PamJ at 10:10 AM, September 1st (Sunday)]

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