"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

PurpleBirch posted 8/30/2013 23:23 PM

I will be filing for divorce soon. Or at the very least, a legal separation. WH basically gave me an ultimatum "get over it or get out". He left his wedding ring on my dresser, he hates being a father, he told me he's "a kid", and that he can't and doesn't want to be a responsible adult. He told me he married and had kids with me because I wanted it and he wanted to make me happy. He said that he's never been more depressed (but won't do anything about it). He agreed with me that he's mean to me (can't remember what he said, but I told him it was mean), that he cheated, and indicated that he's pretty much not going to change. He said he won't wait 5 years for me to heal because if things are this bad at year three, do you think he's going to waste another 5 years of his life??? At one point he even said "this is who I am" -selfish was part of that little rant.

But then he turns around and says that he just wants me to love him again. That he doesn't and can't care about anything else until "we" are sorted out. So yeah. I don't know if he was actually listening to the things he was spewing before that comment, but I see how he showed me who he is, and as painful as it is, I think I'm done.

I was waiting to go back to work, and I need to find an apartment around here. Well, work starts Tuesday, and the apt search is on. Does anyone have any housing juju? I really need some good vibes/prayers/mojo.

On another note, he thought I was afraid to leave because I'd be alone again (was a single mom for 3 years). That is not the case though. As a military spouse, I'm a single mom when he's away anyway, so it's not like I've gotten out of practice.

Nature_Girl posted 8/30/2013 23:37 PM

Oh, that hurts. I am so sorry!

SBB posted 8/31/2013 00:21 AM

Sending you mojo.

He sounds like a massive POS. the sad clown did the same thing except he was the one dying to have kids. Once they were here he simply was not up to even the basics.

It's all my fault too apparently. Various bullshit reasons in his fucked up mind: I changed after kids (yeah dude, you didn't - that was the problem), I didn't cook or drive (OWUglyIndian of DD fame didn't cook or drive ) all the way to I didn't love him (he was right there - I didn't know this idiot, I thought I was marrying a good, decent man of integrity. Silly me).

Your emotions will be up and down for a while then you'll hit the anger phase. Use it to evict this poor excuse of a man from your life.

((PurpleBirch))

Iamhappytoday posted 8/31/2013 01:39 AM

(((Hugs)))

So sorry you are dealing with this. It's like a script, I swear. My STBXH said so many of the same exact things.

I'll never understand how they all refer to the same shitty handbook...

You should be cherished and treated with love.

When I realized after dday#1 that I wasn't, I think that underneath it all I knew there was a reason for it.

I send good prayers/mojo/gris-gris your way. As a soon-to-be-former military wife, I understand how much you've already been the only person there.
It's a tough road.

You are doing wonderfully, though. You can't go through this and NOT be strong.

gma56 posted 8/31/2013 01:48 AM

Another completely clueless ass.

He should have thought about all that BEFORE he got married. At least be man enough to confess bEFORE cheating.
I'm so sorry PB, you and the kids have such selfish ass to deal with.
Hugs there is a life for you all waiting without him.
Hugs
Gma

PurpleBirch posted 8/31/2013 06:12 AM

Strongbutbroken, you said: "I changed after kids (yeah dude, you didn't - that was the problem)".

I feel the same way. Except that he already had a child when we met. BM got pregnant on purpose, but even though (he says) she's crazy, he was a huuuuge part of SD's life. When we first started dating he said that his daughter was his #1 priority. Of course he can't remember saying that, and these days we're lucky if he takes visitation once a month.

Wh did say that it's different raising our youngest because he lives with us full-time. SD lives 2 hours away, and with all the time he's been away for the military, he hasn't had to deal with all the baths/poop/no sleep/etc.

My oldest son was 3 when we got married, and WH chose to adopt him. But he says he hates kids, and that he's never liked them. Wow, he had me fooled big-time.

PurpleBirch posted 8/31/2013 06:21 AM

Also, thank you all for the kind words (and mojo!!).

Gma, I have been thinking for the last little while (I guess since March/April) of all the things that will be easier if he leaves, and all the plans that I need to make to see that the rest of my dreams come true. That was before he confessed, but things were bad here at home.

But even though I've been thinking about it for a while, it still hurts that it has come to this.

My biggest worry at the moment is WH being vindictive. I've noticed that he can get like that when he's angry.

Mousse242 posted 8/31/2013 16:32 PM

Why are you leaving the marital home? You and the kids should be staying there. Before you do ANYTHING consult with an attorney.

Oh wait, military housing?

[This message edited by Mousse242 at 4:33 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]

PurpleBirch posted 8/31/2013 21:34 PM

Yes, we live on the base. I spoke to a lawyer in January. When I said I'd be the one who would have to leave he said "not necessarily", but didn't get into further details. It was a bit of a waste of $300, but I did get some info (at that point I was just trying to get an idea of what seperation would entail).

PurpleBirch posted 8/31/2013 21:40 PM

Here's another tidbit from today. I asked WH if he was going to put his wedding ring on today since he was bringing ODS to a birthday party for the son of one of his work friends. He said: "why?". My answer was that he's (still) my husband. So he said: "When you're ready for me to be a husband to you, you can give it back to me".

Dafuq? So I just need to sweep the whole A under the rug, and eagerly jump back in the sack with him, and only then will he wear his ring. Ok. Not happening!!

Brandon808 posted 8/31/2013 21:47 PM

"When you're ready for me to be a husband to you, you can give it back to me".

Ummmmm...isn't he the one who said he basically doesn't want to be a husband? He does not want any of the responsibilities that go with having a family.

What a f*cktard.

Kick him to the curb before he short-circuits your brain with his twisted mind.

gma56 posted 8/31/2013 21:55 PM

But even though I've been thinking about it for a while, it still hurts that it has come to this

This does hurt more than just about anything you can experience in life.

When you're ready for me to be a husband to you, you can give it back to me".

Only on his terms ? He gave up that right to what you demand from him as a husband.

You can't fix clueless people !

PurpleBirch posted 8/31/2013 22:01 PM

"...isn't he the one who said he basically doesn't want to be a husband? He does not want any of the responsibilities that go with having a family."

I know, right!! I don't think he even knows what's coming out of his mouth. He basically told me that the man I married never existed, and that he's never going to change. Then practically in the next breath he says that all he wants is for me to love him again. I'm not sure how he thinks that's supposed to work...

SBB posted 8/31/2013 23:46 PM

The sad clown bent my brain with a few if these fuckwit catch cries.

The way I understand it, it 'works' by us getting over it, letting it go, shutting the fuck up and letting them have their cake and eat it too.

Quote: "You just won't let me love you like I want to".

Too right fuck features. I don't need 'love' like that - I'd rather set my hair alight thanks.

I can see the hilarity now but damn it hurt at the time. I felt like it was all my fault because the poor dear was trying so hard. This was sooooooo hard for him, dontcha know????

His best wasn't anywhere near good enough pre-DD, it certainly wasn't anywhere good enough after DD.

One day soon you'll be thankful he is being such a colossal lower muppet. Right now I know it confuses, enrages and hurts you but soon you'll see just how easy he is making this for you.

Easy doesn't mean painless.

((PB))

alphakitte posted 9/1/2013 00:01 AM

I think he's being consistent. He wants you to love the man he never was. LOL!

PurpleBirch posted 9/1/2013 06:17 AM

SBB -it does confuse the hell out of me! I understand the concept of cake eating, but I don't see (giving all he said) why he would still want to be with me. I'm not saying that out of low self-esteem. It's just that staying with me = having to deal with the kids 24/7.

I wouldn't say it makes it easier per se, but it definitely strengthens my resolve when he does/says dumb shit. By the way, I love the lower muppet image.

"I think he's being consistent. He wants you to love the man he never was. LOL!"

Alpha, that was hilarious! I snorted my coffee. Lmao!

SBB posted 9/1/2013 16:56 PM

That is the very essence of cake eating. He gets the facade of a functioning, happy family life (the cake) and he gets to do whatever and whomever he wants (the eating) - he won't be with you and the kids 24/7.

The sad clown did this for 5 years. He was always 'working'. Spent on the bare minimum amount of time involved with the family. I put my foot down and insisted he be at home so he sat at his computer 'working', watching porn or watching TV. No quality time. When he was involved he was a grumpy, moody, critical POS.

Low investment and he had a home and family to show people what a great guy he is. All the while fucking everything that agreed.

The very definition of cake-eating.

ETA: if he were a decent man, a man of honour and integrity, he wouldn't be 'dealing' with you and the kids. He would be relishing it. Real life can get hard sometimes. You're supposed to get through that shit together.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 4:58 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]

PurpleBirch posted 9/2/2013 07:29 AM

I didn't post this last night because I was too tired and frankly a bit surprised. After two days of being cold and distant, WH was affectionate last night. I don't know if it was because I took the boys to visit my parents all day (I didn't invite him, not that he would have come anyway), and he was worried that I wasn't coming back, or what. He wanted a hug, and he kissed my cheek -not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but a total change in behaviour.

Guys, I feel like I'm being mind-fucked. Argh! WTH? I guess this is another example of rug-sweeping/cake-eating?

On a happier note, I'm going to see an apartment today. From the pictures it looks great, and it's not far from ODS's school/a great park/soccer fields/etc. I want to live there already!! Lol. Cross your fingers for me please.

Abbondad posted 9/2/2013 07:59 AM

I see how he showed me who he is, and as painful as it is, I think I'm done.

So sorry, Purple. But keep your own words in mind when he continues messing with your head and selfishly shifts back to loving and affectionate. He has not only shown you who he is; he has TOLD you. Believe what you see and hear. He has given you a "gift." You are young. Good men are out there. Spare yourself future worse pain. Go.

I wish you the best.

PurpleBirch posted 9/2/2013 18:17 PM

Thanks Abbondad. I took the apartment I saw today. I sign the lease & get the keys on Wednesday. I am moving on with my life. This back and forth is not healthy for me at all. He did tell me who he was. I guess he thinks I wasn't listening...