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Tonight is the first time he's reacted with anger

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musiclovingmom posted 8/30/2013 23:38 PM

This will most likely be long.
Yesterday, my H spent some time working on a computer with his dad. This is always mildly triggery for me, because I know that at least once he was sexting OW#5 while he and his dad were hanging out. He knows this can be triggery for me and is good to respond. Yesterday, I went 50 mins without a response from him and finally got one when I was already in meltdown mode (too little sleep and two screaming boys under 2).
We had an ok evening and were both talking about what a long day it had been. When I went to bed, he stayed up (very common during his A's and another trigger we have talked about).
When he finally woke up this morning (around 11), he ate with us, but was on his phone the entire time. Almost immediately after we finished lunch he left the house to go wash his truck. 20 mins later I got a text saying he'd been called to work.
By that time, I was extremely uneasy, told him so and asked for some proof since it seemed awfully convenient. He told me he would send a picture. An hour goes by with nothing and I finally get a text saying he's headed back to the yard and he didn't get a chance to take a picture of the truck he had to take to the paint shop.
I'm definitely not ok by this point. I'm hurt and I'm angry and I'm scared. I tell him all those things and he basically ignores them. I let it go because we have things to do and need to spend some time with the kids.
Then tonight, after the kids are in bed, I calmly try to explain to him how I felt today. How intense those emotions still are. And how him choosing to do nothing to help relieve my anxiety only made them all that much more intense. How that made it easy for that little voice that always says 'but he's a lying cheater' to win. That's when he started yelling. I can count on one hand the number of times he has yelled at me in our entire relationship (with fingers left over) and none of them have ever been about the A. Now I'm even more scared/hurt/worried/sad/anxious/angry than I was before. I shut down. He's in bed and I'm on the couch. I am 99% sure that there is NOTHING going on. He's been nothing but honest and transparent for over 12 months. But this hurt and his reaction hurt worse. Now what?

Heartbroken2013 posted 8/31/2013 02:40 AM

You had EVERY reason to feel the way you did. TBH it sounded a bit iffey to me too .. and for him to react the way he has, it would set my alarm bells ringing. Im sorry your going thru this. Maybe im wrong in saying it, maybe it is all innocent, I hope for your sake it is, be vigilant and keep watching for the signs xxx

Jrazz posted 8/31/2013 13:12 PM

He has zero right or cause to yell at you here. He's frustrated, yes, but it all leads back to the point that he's breaking promises (sending the picture) and not doing enough to reassure you.

Is MC on the table? He needs a dose of "get it" pretty quickly. I'm heartened by the fact that you feel he's being transparant, but the remorse factor is lacking here.


painpaingoaway posted 8/31/2013 13:22 PM

I shut down.
That's what he wanted, he shut you up. Personally, I would insist on IC/MC or game over. JMO.

1DumbHusband posted 8/31/2013 15:59 PM

In my opinion as a FWH (who's desperately trying to earn R from his Beautiful BS), I don't feel like I have any right to act defensive or angry towards my wonderful BS because this is not her's MINE! Therefore, if she asks me to text her every hour with a photo of where I am, then you are darn certain I'm going to do that. Granted I may slip and forget, but the moment she would send me a reminder text or question, I would respond as soon as I received it. Understandably, my BS would understand if i'm in a meeting at work and cant text. but as soon as i was out, i would be texting her right away. I feel you as the BS are perfectly justified in how you feel and he should learn to accept and respect that if he truly wants R. Another thing that concerns me is the lack of respect for your triggers. I fight every day to help my wonderful BS not to trigger. If there's something I know will make her trigger, I try to avoid that all together to help her so that she doesn't trigger. As the WS, I would try as hard as I could to give my BS a trigger free day. But YMMV.

tryinginmi posted 8/31/2013 16:27 PM

This entire situation sets off a ton of red flags to me. Maybe he was just having a rough day, but it is unacceptable for him to treat you this way.

tushnurse posted 8/31/2013 17:48 PM

I'm sorry that you felt so triggery but sister let me tell you that each and every time that I had response like that from my H he was up to no good.

I certainly hope that's not the case here buy please keep your eyes open and go stealth mode. It raised a bunch of red flags the multiple locations the I was too busy. It just doesn't feel right.

I hope you have a plan on how you will manage if he were to break NC or cheat again. If not I would definitely get my ducks in a row.

blakesteele posted 8/31/2013 19:21 PM


It does seem an odd reaction by your husband if you presented your requests and feelings without rubbing his A in his face.

I agree that a WS should not get angry or lash out on requests that are reasonably made from a BS....and your requests are well within reasonable. I even think they should have more than average patience during activities that were affair related.....

It is troubling....I haven't had this exact experience but here is what happened to me recently.

I requested my wife take a Love Indicator quiz. She said she would take it later that day.

That was 3 days ago...still nothing. I have let it go, but it does seem curious to me that sometimes WS just don't put the emphasis on the BS that there should be...remorse is lacking I guess.

I also have to kindly remind my wife to let me know of her schedule and text me throughout the day....she sometimes forgets.

So.....I guess I don't really know what to say to comfort you. You are one of the members I follow closely.

I believe you are doing what you should be doing....presenting what you need in a calm reasonable manner. I say this because he DID agree to do certain things, and then failed to do them.

My wife is in IC...and is looking to find us a new MC...but, like my quiz request, this appears to be a lower priority for her.

To be honest....none of what she has done recently (or not done) are deal breakers. But it is part of the 180 I am in. I am stepping back from repeated requests and leaving topics that she said she would tend to in her hands.

I am taking note of how she prioritizes her life and her actions. Thus far it is not looking all that great....but she is a strong Avoider....and throughout our marriage I have carried the weight of pushing to get things done. So it could be that it is just taking her some time to face that which she is not use to facing.

But what you are doing is not really along that line, is it? You are moving around the trigger minefield and are asking him to calm your fears and help you through it safely....he is NOT willing to do this.

I am sorry.

Trust your gut.

If I would have recognized the uneasy feeling in my gut last summer I would have more quickly uncovered my wifes adulterous behavior.

I know better, so I will do better.

This would be great advice for your husband to repeat until he owns that sentence for himself.

God be with us all.

summerain posted 9/1/2013 01:32 AM

Perhaps it would be okay to go into stealth mode for a bit and ask for MC?

The yelling and lack of caring obviously points to getting some aid

The stealth mode is to reassure or to protect yourself

musiclovingmom posted 9/1/2013 16:05 PM

I've been meaning to reply, but you know, life happens.
To those of you suggesting MC and or IC, in a perfect world, it could happen. However, he is our sole source of income and works 24/7 on call. Even taking an hour off can result in a 0 hour work week and therefore paycheck. We just can't afford counseling costs plus the loss of >$1,000 on a paycheck.
PPGA - it is possible that he wanted to shut me up, but not probable. My first marriage was very volatile and my H is very aware that yelling does more than just shut me up. He usually takes extreme caution to make sure our disagreeing is done without yelling.
1DumbHusband - He has taken full responsibility for all of this since day 1. And, 12 months ago, probably would have responded to this exactly as you have.
As far as investigating, I have a copy of his trip ticket for that day signed by his supervisor and I'll be able to match that to his time on his next pay stub. I've checked the phone records and everything is exactly as he said - an incoming call from his boss, texts to me, an outgoing call to another guy to find out where he was going because he got lost. I've got at least one guy who was on the job that will confirm the story - and he doesn't lie to or for anyone about anything - ever.
Blake - your post about conflict avoidance and anger really has me thinking. Thanks for that. And, to be honest, I could have picked a better time to bring things up - we were just laying down after a really pleasant afternoon/evening. He did apologize for yelling almost immediately. We've talked about it since and he says he understands what I'm saying and he will do better.
Today, my gut is quiet. I'm not uneasy about what he is or isn't doing, but I was in the moment. Of course I'll continue to be vigilant.

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