SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

All I do is worry. Constantly.

I'm a single mom of a 13 month old. My daughter is my life.... and I work full-time to support both of us. I barely make it. I have a good job and make good money.... but I still barely make it. I have a lot of debt. Bottom line. Ironically, I make enough to where any financial assistance attempt would be scoffed at. I've done the research and I don't qualify for any help at all.

All I do is worry about the next bill... and how I will make ends meet. Its so tight that I'm almost always in the hole. I feel guilty buying groceries because if I didn't have to eat....I'd probably be able to make ends meet. Sad huh?

I don't talk to my sister about it anymore because she has a bad habit of doing the "who has it worse" game....instead of just listening to me. I don't talk to my best friend about it anymore because I feel guilty always whining about my problems.

I caught myself just now lying in bed..... feeling hopeless and staring at the wall (while my daughter is napping). I didn't want to move. I didn't want to do anything. I think I would have liked to just melt into the bed and disappear. Then I broke down crying.

I got a stupid speeding ticket yesterday. I feel like just going into the court and asking them which limb they would like me to slice open to pay for it. Blood would be easier than money right now. I think my dad will help me but that just makes me feel bad since he has about as much as me. My whole family struggles with money.

I'm trying to sell some things on Ebay and Craigslist (but noone seems interested). That's usually how I have to make ends meet nowadays.... I've even had to sell things I didn't want to sell.

How did I end up in this place? Will my life ever get easier? Or will I struggle forever? I just feel so lost.

Thank you for listening.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:41 AM, August 31st (Saturday)]

((Shelly))

I don't have the financial issues that you do, but hopelessness is creeping in on this holiday weekend.

Hang in there.

Thank you Williesmom.

I just wish I had even the slightest inclination that it will get better. That it will get easier. All I picture is life burying me.....smothering me until I stop kicking. And, it scares the hell out of me.

(((She11ybeanz))) Oh hon, I don't have any good advice for you. I'm in the same boat as you financially, and it's stressful as hell.

I have to believe that life will get better. That I, and you, and all of us, will recover from the financial quagmire the divorces/breakups put us in.

I do know it's extra hard for you right now. There are so many extra expenses when you have a baby, and those are expenses you just can't cut out of the budget.

I also think it's okay to wallow, for a bit. Sometimes we just need to let it out, instead of bottling it up inside. Curling up in bed and having a good cry can be a good thing, as long as it's not an all-day, every-day thing.

Be gentle with yourself, and try to believe that yes, it will get better.

SB,

You say you have a lot of debt. Is it credit cards, dr bills, etc?

When I went through my first divorce (3 kids, XH owed child/spousal support, never paid) I also had lots of debt. I called each credit card company and offered a settlement. I would give them a certain amount now, and they would consider the bill paid. There is a word for it, but it escapes me. It shows up on your credit rating as you paid an agreed upon price. Gosh I wish I could remember the terminology. If its dr's bills do the same thing.

The point is, (from there standpoint), if you are sooo deep in debt and sometime you might file bankruptcy and they wouldn't get anything. Your point to them is that plus you will never make enough to pay them off.

You can do this. Debt has hit tons of people these past few years, you are not the only one.

Try to think like a business person (how many times has Trump been broke). Not emotional.

Well...I've set myself up for it to get a little easier. I have consolidated my major credit cards by using a debt consolidation company called CareOne and I make a lump sum payment every year... and those should be paid off in 3-4 years instead of the 100 years it would take me if I just paid minimum payments.

My car will be paid off in 2. So...that will be a little alleviation I suppose. Its just making it to that point that is hard. I have a few medical bills that I will be honest....I can't even afford a minimum payment to right now. I'm in the hole on my regular bills and they come 1st. So, I know my credit is getting hit hard. I don't have a choice but to let it happen. I'm doing the best I can but it doesn't feel like its enough. And, that is what is frustrating me.

My student loans might as well be tattooed on my body cause I will be paying those forever. They are about as much as a mortgage every month. I've had the payments reduced as low as I can and one of them is even on forbearance until next year (but I can't do the others because my XWH's name is on them and he is a dick..and won't sign the forms. I can't get him off without my payments going up because my rate is really low) so next year money will be even tighter because I will have that other student loan payment I will have to make again when the forbearance is over. On top of rent, utilities, baby stuff, groceries, insurance, etc.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 10:18 AM, August 31st (Saturday)]

If it helps, know that you are not alone in your struggles.

I am right there with you. It is all so unfair. But that is life. Just think though, you are going through this hell at a relatively young age. It is so much harder starting over at 53. Sending a prayer your way.

Shiloe

I guess at 34..... I thought I would be in a nice stable happy place! I thought I would be married (still) with children and living comfortably... and ALL of my friends are. My best friend tells me she has been in my shoes....but she was younger and is now 33 and living the life I thought I would be! It just saddens me. I thought I would be in a better place at this point in my life. Not alone...a single mom....and drowning in debt.

I hear you, Shell... I'm rowing the same boat. Single mother and I haven't seen a dime of CS in about five years. It does get scary and depressing and overwhelming.

I've just gotten to the point where I do what I can as I can and don't trip on the rest. I cut corners where I can (the poor bunch; I'm super stingy with the AC. I think they hate me in the summer ) and do the best I can.

It really does work out... and I promise, things really do get easier.

Wasn't there something you could do with your student loans? Like a break in paying or something? Maybe you can table that until you get your car paid off? Don't know if that's possible, just throwing it out there.

Hang tough, Mama.

(((Shell)))

As far as the financial stuff goes, I think you sound like a candidate for bankruptcy. Between the credit cards and medical bills, you're already taking a hit on your credit, so the hit of a bankruptcy might be the lesser evil.

Just out of curiosity, the student loan that your xWH is on? It hurts his credit if you don't pay? If your credit is going to be a disaster, then why not stop paying those? It might force his hand.

The speeding ticket. Go to court, they'll set up a payment plan to make it doable.

My heart goes out to you about the money aspect. I'm in a similar situation in regards to my debt/income ratio. A great deal of it is due to the D and how my xWH bled me dry during the M. So on paper I look like I should be rolling in it, but IRL, not the case at all. I freak on bill paying days.

As far as mentally coping with what's going on, it's really important that you focus on today and not allow yourself to fret about tomorrow. I know that's not easy. But when you're faced with being overwhelmed, it's the only way out. Do you have food today? Electricity today? Health is okay today? Then today is taking care of and today is all you have to worry about.

This isn't sticking your head in the sand. It's refusing to engage in catastrophe thinking. Assuming the worst, believing the worst will happen, kills hope and makes it hard to see the opportunities that do exist.

(((Shelly)))

I think what scares me with bankruptcy is that I've read that they liquidate all of your assets to pay creditors...does this mean all of your furniture...and personal belongings so you have nothing? That kinda scares me. I don't want to lose everything I have. I already feel like I'm struggling just to hold on to what little I have left (that I haven't had to sell)

(((shelly)))

It is so difficult sometimes. I rely on financial help from my parents and I'm 52 freaking years old...You've got it harder as I remember how really tough being a single mother with the expenses that come with childcare etc. Hang in there. I think doing it alone, without anyone else to share the burden, commiserate, figure something out, is so hard. It really takes two incomes to make it nowadays, and my married friends don't really understand that.

Remember this isn't about who you are, it is about where you are, and that may change...

[This message edited by better4me at 11:21 AM, August 31st (Saturday)]

For your student loan, if they are federal and not through a bank you should contact them and talk to them about temporarily lowering the amount for the next year so you get caught up.

If it comes to it, have you considered bankruptcy? It can help with some of the debt but not all of it. And it depends on the type of bankruptcy you file as to what you have to liquidate. You don't have to lose everything.

[This message edited by Mousse242 at 4:44 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]

Sent you a pm Shelly...

Shelly,

I went through bankruptcy after the divorce to give me and my boys a clean break. I did not have to liquidate anything. I was able to keep my car and keep making the payments.

Most bankruptcy lawyers will do a free consultation or a first visit of around $100.

Your student loans can't be included in a bankruptcy, but if you have other debt, it's probably worth considering.

I believe that Debt Consolidation does show up on credit reports now too.

I would honestly meet with a bankruptcy lawyer and just see your options. You may be surprised.

I can qualify for an FHA mortgage in the next couple years.

It's not taboo anymore. Divorce, Medical issues, and loss of job are the top reasons people need to file.

It's so nice not having those bills anymore.

Shelly,

maybe it's time for Sperm Donor to pay more than $58.00 a week.

You know he's got a job. He needs to man up and help out Piper.

k9

Shelly...I went through bankruptcy 3 years ago. I did not have to liquidate a thing and was able to keep my car too. Best thing I ever did...felt so much better and made my life better too. My credit took a hit but not as bad as you might think. I've been improving my credit and will hopefully qualify for a mortgage again soon.

Speak to an attorney...get a free consultation. Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed. In this day, so many people have no other options but to file.

Hugs to you.

So.. I want to change the direction a bit. Do you have health insurance? Maybe you need to talk with someone? Determine if this is clinical depression. My God, after all u have been thru how could u not be feeling the repercussions?

I remember the day when I realized I was not dealing with grief from my past but depression as a result of all I had survived.

Hope this strikes a chord

Ditto to the stressful financial struggling crap. It is depressing but you can't worry about it all the time or you will drive yourself crazy. We've all been fed this dream that if we work hard and take care of our families, we will have a good comfortable middle-class life, but that isn't possible in today's economy and it is especially difficult for single parents.

Right now, we have to learn to be thankful for what we do have, our health, our children, our family and friends.....and don't be too proud to ask for help when you need it. There are literally MILLIONS in the same financial position and it isn't their fault. It is just life's circumstances.

Try some local food pantries and churches. Sometimes they can be a big help. Hit the garage sales and second-hand, thrift stores for clothes and household needs and you can also sell back your baby clothes and equipment to many of them. Flea markets are great for produce and hygiene items and even gifts (you can find new and unusual items for just a few dollars.)

I know I keep hoping things will get better also, I'm 50 also and I was supposed to be enjoying life a bit by now and taking vacations and I can't even afford to go to the zoo. It is what it is, though, and I find other ways to enjoy family time like game night at home.

I feel guilty buying groceries because if I didn't have to eat....I'd probably be able to make ends meet.

I stress over a pack of mints at the checkout counter. (Can I afford it, probably not, I don't really need mints, can I find them cheaper elsewhere...blah blah blah). Not sure how this got to be my life either.....

Hang in there. Sometimes it does suck! But nothing lasts forever, not the good times OR the bad times.....and there will be more good times....things have to even out!

Shelly you have had some great adive here on the financial side.

If you think you are drepressed please consult a doctor.

In the meantime hugs coming your way