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Newest Member: Confused4 (61103)

User Topic: didnt happen to me so i dont care!
♂ 40268
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I the only one who is dealing with the insensitivity and lack of understanding of so many people? I love this site because we are all in the same or very similar situations so we understand and identify. I have had married elderly people married for 30 yrs tell me to just get over it already ( I am 4.5 months from d day I have two kids and am thrown out of my home forced to live with my parents ,stbxw stole ,lied cheated and has a full time boyfriend after 18 yrs together with absolutely no remorse at all ) and I should just get over it? wtf? or how about her friends who have been cheated on and left by their x husbands and still choose to not speak to me and are actually nasty to me? what the fu-k did I do ? sure we had some marital problems , I call them bumps In the road of life , in reality if marriage is a vow to be together forever and lets say forever is 50 yrs, and we have 5 tough years out of 50 I think that is good? considering the odds. unless you are in that fantasy world that thinks you should never have disagreements or arguments? either way If anything good has come out of this for me , it is the discovery of my empathetic side and hopefully I can keep this for my next venture into relationships since I try to learn from my mistakes, but for these other people who went through this and still think it is OK! I feel sorry for them and I make a conscience choice to not associate with them in my life . using my anger of course. so maybe someone , anyone can help me understand the attitude that " if it didn't happen to me then I don't care" ? I think how many people knew before me of my stbxw affair and didn't tell ? sick

"respect? you don't deserve it, you won't get any from me unless you earn it"

Posts: 1028 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yep, you're in a different club now, bub...
It's called
"eyes open & wiser"
"better than before"

Too bad. They're in the shut yo mouf club. I've stepped in puddles deeper than some of the stuff I've heard.

You're gonna be just fine Mr. fly!

Posts: 7268 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that people can be very insensitive, but try to remember that if they have no experience with infidelity, then they really have no idea what you're going through.

I am actually pretty horrified when I look back at some of my interactions with people who were dealing with this. I was sympathetic, but I realize now that I truly had no real idea what they were going through and some of the things I said or attitudes I had I would consider to be insensitive now.

Hang in there....

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
♀ 40210
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, Thefly, you are not.

I read an interesting piece in the LA Times a few months back about how not to say the wrong thing to a person dealing with a trauma/crisis.

The article describes a ring theory where the person at the center of the crisis falls within the center ring. Everyone else, depending on how close he or she is to the crisis falls within a series of increasingly large concentirc rings - like a bullseye target. The rule to follow is comfort in, dump out.

So, the person at the center can bitch, vent, cry to all of the people in the outer circles. All they should be doing in return, unless specifically asked for advice/opinions, is providing comfort and support to the person at the center.

It seems so obvious. Yet, so few people I've encountered are able to do this.

I only told 2 girlfriends who I know will just support me. I can't deal with the stupid shit other people are inevitably going to say. My WH told his parents and they told his sister. His sister has been great. MIL, not so much and I've had to get her to pump her brakes several times already.

I'm sorry for all you're going through and I hope you have someone IRL who can give you comfort and support without the judgements and unsolicited advice.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
♀ 31765
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem is that people that I considered some type of friend/aquaintance of mine know and act distant and uninterested in me, like I'm invisible, nobody. It's been 2 1/2 yrs. since DDay. Won't go into some of my stories. The after effects are still going on.

Yes, I didn't completely understand what it might be like before for others, but I had a pretty good idea. It doesn't take that much to empathize what someone might be going thru. When first met xwf 10 yrs. ago, I knew his best friend's BW was going thru hell and could hardly function. She had 3 beautiful adult daughters and found out WS had been having several A's during their marriage. My xwf ridiculed her for not going and finding a job, moving on, etc. She was in her 50's then. I told xwf she's probably just devastated and can hardly think straight. She finally sold the family home and moved in with her parents at the age of 56. I felt so sorry for her.

I know there are so many different scenarios of reasons and attitudes out there. I have been the recipient of every type. Now I am putting up the boundaries that others have already lived their lives by. The first kindness I can do for me is to protect myself and dole my kindness out to others in a different way. I am very tired.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 12:00 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]

Posts: 882 | Registered: Apr 2011
Topic Posts: 5

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