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Why are they SO angry with you?

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kg201 posted 8/31/2013 11:06 AM

What is it about the WSs that they are angry with you, when they are the ones who made the choices? Why is it that everyone gets that they did something awful, but them? Why are they willing t risk everything for a wishy-washy old man, who is having a nervous breakdown from my WW's demands, when the younger, better looking caregiver, who was determined to see her cancer through to the end, is made to feel like crap?

I really don't get it. It's like a mental disorder or something.

newlysingle posted 8/31/2013 11:18 AM

They resent you for being the capable, strong, responsible, honest and living person you are. They know they are broken and loathe themselves. They have to run and find another broken person to make themselves feel better. They can feel like they're better than the AP. that is why they affair down.

You being the wonderful person you are just points out all of her faults to her.

PurpleRose posted 8/31/2013 11:52 AM

Because truly looking in the mirror would expose the deep dark ugly that lies inside them waiting to burst out Alien-style.

They can't handle the truth about themselves. It's too "real" for these broken waywards.

gma56 posted 8/31/2013 11:57 AM

Because truly looking in the mirror would expose the deep dark ugly that lies inside them waiting to burst out Alien-style.
They can't handle the truth about themselves. It's too "real" for these broken waywards
B I N G O !!
Reality and consequences doesn't fit in their fantsay fuckworld that they have no remorse for having in the first place. You KNOW they are entitled to their happiness and you are ruining it for them.

Sparkles posted 8/31/2013 11:58 AM

I know - it's enough to make you crazy. The best explanation I've heard is that its a lame attempt at justification. It's them trying to convince themselves that they *had* to this because you are just so terrible. Just another sick way to avoid feeling guilt. It's easier to deflect with anger towards their victims.

SI Staff posted 8/31/2013 12:14 PM

Everyone -

Please remember to speak about your own situation and not make generalizations.

GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

Thank you.

Ashland13 posted 8/31/2013 12:32 PM

In the case of Nearly ExH, it's been said to me that he's angry at himself but it displays outword and gives an appearance of anger at me.

What I think is that he bottled up a lot of resentmetn over time and now that he is away from me feels a little more free to "let me have it" by expressing the anger that he should have been able to express from the beginning.

While I don't enjoy conflict or seek it, I feel that if someone has a problem in a relationship, like him, I would want him to tell me, even if I cry or get mad...how does it get out of his head otherwise?

Several counselors that I saw over time said that he has something called passive-aggression and after reading about this terminology, it's helped to see that he would avoid conflict at all cost, but he could only keep it inside for so long.

And since he can't stand to have blame placed on him for the smallest thing, he points at me angrily for all the problems of his life and holds it against me, instead of trying to sort things out.

Housefulloflove posted 8/31/2013 12:48 PM

And since he can't stand to have blame placed on him for the smallest thing, he points at me angrily for all the problems of his life and holds it against me, instead of trying to sort things out.

This is the case for me too. In the process of blowing up the lives of his wife and children, he blew his life up as well. He thought he was going to go riding off into the sunset and into a life of happiness with his mistress. When that clearly wasn't happening because I caught on to his affair too early and because his mistress turned out to be someone who really doesn't give a shit about him, he thought he should be able to at least continue his old cushy life while I take all of the blame and pretend like he is the greatest guy ever but I forced him into this situation.

These two very delusional fantasies obviously didn't work out. It had to be my fault because it would have worked out if *I* didn't cause problems by not following his script. His thoughts and plans are flawless like him so obviously someone messed them up. Then he projected that I had to "control" everything, I'm too angry, I don't love him enough, I take my responsibilities too seriously, blah, blah, blah..whatever it takes to not look at himself.

I think deep down he knows that if he stopped blaming me for ONE second and looked at what *HE* did, he would have a big problem. The man he thought he was would suddenly disappear just like he did for me when I finally took a look at what he was doing and stopped looking for ways to excuse his behavior. He is a weak, conflict avoidant, passive-aggressive, mean-spirited, coward with DEEP, DEEP, DEEP issues that he knows he can't face.

So what's easier than dealing with your own shit? Laying it on someone else and being angry at them for it.

sunsetslost posted 8/31/2013 16:38 PM

I agree. It's a way my WW can live with herself. When she told me she had no intention of breaking it off and wanted out of the M I chose to be honorable, honest, fair and supportive (as much as I could be).

When we separated the finances she drug her feet on getting her own credit card. On the day her AP was coming back into town I deleted her name from my credit cards and demanded her ATM card. I didn't do it to leave her high and dry. I handed her a check for exactly half of the checking account and $100 in cash. I told her the bank opens at 9 AM and the hundred should help get her through the day. I told her I had absolutely no intention of financing her affair. She blew up at me. Took it as a personal attack. She takes every opportunity to find a reason to hate me to justify her actions. I took her car key off of my ring and placed it on the table. She responded by leaving the house alarm key fob on the table the next day. I don't know why she's angry with me but as long as I'm calm and civil (to her face) she is agreeable to all of my terms of separation.
She's living a lie to all of her friends and coworkers, as well as most of her family. She's not been honest with them about any of it. She takes their sympathy and is probably believing her own lies.

Nature_Girl posted 8/31/2013 17:03 PM

I ruined his life. I forced him to have kids, now I've ruined him financially. He'll never forgive me. Hey, he told me things while we were still together!

No wonder he's so angry with me. I stopped believing the lies. I stopped letting him abuse me. I told other people about what a dirty, naughty boy he is. He has to hate me now.

Strongmama posted 8/31/2013 17:56 PM

Nature Girl I heard those same words while still married....I'm a certified life ruiner!
kg201 It truly makes no sense.

Abbondad posted 8/31/2013 18:09 PM

No wonder he's so angry with me. I stopped believing the lies. I stopped letting him abuse me. I told other people about what a dirty, naughty boy he is. He has to hate me now.

What Naturegirl said. (Just replace masculine pronouns with feminine.)

curiouswiz posted 9/1/2013 06:54 AM

I've asked STBX this question 2 or 3 times while he was giving me a good whipping with his anger.

His response each and every time was I'm not mad at you! I mad at me! I know I SCREWED UP, or messed up, or whatever his term for the devastation is in the moment but he always says he's mad at himself.

I'm sure he is. I'm sure he would have liked me to beg him that day that he wanted to talk after months of being gone...I didn't, he wouldn't either. He told me not to expect him to come crawling back. I could either let it go and try to work it out or not.

My response was I'd like to punch you in the jaw. Sitting outside on a beautiful day hoping he'd come home to me and treat me the way I deserve. He told me to go ahead. Before I even thought of it I punched him in the jaw. Just enough to make him flinch but not hurt him. Like rock em sock em robots! I didn't know that was in me! I still can't believe I stooped that low. It was just a natural motion, like scratching an itch!

To this day he admits he did this. To this day he thinks I should just move on, life goes on dontcha know.

Well, his arse is in jail and he can't believe I'm doing this to him. I didn't, he did. But he at least does admit he did this and is angry with himself but not one bit of remorse. None.

Vulcanized posted 9/1/2013 11:43 AM

I think my XH wasn't projecting his guilt so much as he was amazed that I wasn't following his script.

Pretty early in, when I was still believing the 'just friends' line, I said something to the effect of we could work out any problems we had. XH looked me up and down very coldly, and said "Don't beg me to stay". I was incredulous; asked him if heard what I actually said. He stomped off w/nary another word.

debbysbaby posted 9/1/2013 12:25 PM

For poopsmear to convince everyone that he was justified in leaving me, he had to rewrite our marital history make it sound like I was just awful. I think he then embraced those lies as reality. Then he projected all those falsified feelings upon me.

ruinedandbroken posted 9/1/2013 14:26 PM

He was angry at me for breathing. For existing. My existence made him look like the scumbag he is.

But seriously, I don't get the hostility toward me. I will never understand it. It's like it's not bad enough that he turned my life upside down, but then he had to be a hateful, mean-spirited ass on top of it. ???

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