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Am I wrong . . .

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tellmewhy posted 8/31/2013 11:24 AM

3 years out from DDay and I still need for him to tell me that he's sorry, he realizes the hurt he has caused and wants to make it up to me, he appreciates me and the fact that I'm willing to R and a hundred other things? Am I wrong for wanting him to comfort me when I cry?
He said last night he doesn't know why he doesn't do those things, even though I've told him many times and written it down for him - at his request.
We've read 5 Love Languages and he knows that mine is Quality Conversation, but still I don't get from him what I need.
He has made changes in other ways (mostly things that involve little emotional investment from him) and I've told him how much I notice and appreciate those changes, but still - there are things that I need and want and don't get.
Am I supposed to be happy with the changes and not push for the other? Feels like I have to deny myself and what's right for me.

OldCow18 posted 8/31/2013 11:25 AM

I'm only 3 months out, but I feel very much the same way.

Curious though, what is his love language?

tellmewhy posted 8/31/2013 12:02 PM

His language is Physical Touch, (which is my second language), so he just doesn't seem to get the "connecting through communication" thing that I need.

devasted30 posted 8/31/2013 12:15 PM

Has he read, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair?
Did a world of good for my WS. He really got a lot out of it - a lot more understanding of what we (the BS) are going through.

GraceisGood posted 8/31/2013 12:24 PM

It sounds like you are actively looking for ways he shows you his feelings/remorse, etc. So that is good, and even better you acknowledge it as well. So, he is getting what he needs in this area imo, you are accepting and acknowledging of what he does (the language he speaks).

IMO, that does not negate your needs.

I still need for him to .....

I don't think you "still need" these things, because it sounds like you have never gotten them. 3 years out and I would guess your ache for them is even deeper than it was originally.

You are not wrong for wanting what you need, for desiring him to speak to you in your language. I bet if he would just speak to you 10 percent in your language, it would be enough to soothe (I say this because you have waited 3 years already, you do not sound like a demanding shrew )

I am bummed to hear he has read the 5 LL book and has not stepped up to the plate. You have to decide how long you will go this way, you cannot control him, only yourself, so you decide if you will keep on waiting or if you will draw a line (give him one more opportunity and be willing to walk if he refuses to give you this) or if you will give up this need for the sake of your M.

[This message edited by GraceisGood at 12:24 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]

tellmewhy posted 8/31/2013 12:50 PM

devasted30 - he has read that book - I got it for him maybe 2 years ago. Obviously didn't make such a huge impression on him.
Grace-thanks, it's good to know that I'm not being an unreasonable cow about this!
Last night I brought up the subject, yet again. I told him that I thought we should cancel our next session of EFT with MC because all he does is say what she coaches him on in the session, but then I hear nothing from him until we go to the next session.
Essentially, I'm about 3/4's out the door right now. I've told him this so many times, but nothing changes and it hurts me all over again when he says he will change and then he doesn't.

GraceisGood posted 9/1/2013 13:19 PM


I've told him this so many times, but nothing changes and it hurts me all over again when he says he will change and then he doesn't.

I can so relate, BTDT, really still there in some areas.


simpleD posted 9/1/2013 13:38 PM

We are 2 years out from Dday... TMW, your description of his lack of emotional investment sounds very familiar to my situation. I am grateful for the many changes he has made to date, but feel like I still a little bit more... More emotional connection & deeper communication. I'm starting to wonder if he is incapable or just unwilling. He's never been "deep" with his feelings. He rarely, if ever, brings up his emotional thoughts or feelings about any topic not just A related. It's always me starting the conversations like this. Last week, he admitted to noticing I seemed "down" (which was true) but he never said a peep to me, no reassurance or comforting... Just avoidance. It's making even more irritable and on edge. This is still a roller coaster. Wishing you the best.

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