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Lies and ownership

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SheHatesMe posted 8/31/2013 13:06 PM

ETA: I meant this post to be open to WS and BS but forgot to uncheck the box!! Anyone may help, please.

My BGF is always asking about my feelings and if there’s anything I want to say. She wants to hear my thoughts. I said that I don’t think about the As except of what it has done to us. It has utterly destroyed my BGF and our relationship. I have destroyed our relationship. I continue to destroy it by continuing to lie. I kept lying and saying there are no more lies. And then another gets revealed a couple weeks later. And now, she’s stuck on thinking there are more. I hear everyone saying that I have to come clean with everything and yet I did not do it. I still felt a need to preserve myself and “protect her”. Those times, I told myself to tell the truth, I heard the voice that said “say it” and then I pushed that voice aside and said there were no more. Such a selfish act. I see my BGF hurt. I experience her rage monster and I just want to get through this episode and calm everything down. She say, “okay I’m calm and I won’t scream anymore. Just tell me if there is anything else”. I told myself what would happen if another lie came out but that future event didn’t deter me from saying there were no more. Then when that next lie came out I feel so ashamed for keeping it inside before. What is wrong with me?

Thankfully, when she’s asked me today and last night if there was anything else, I do not hear that little voice saying, “say it”. There are no more. Of course, she doesn’t believe my words and rightfully so. I did this. I know time will tell if she will begin to believe me I just hope I didn’t screw this up for good.

Another big thing is me taking ownership for the affairs. This is tied to the lying. I went to my doctor yesterday to get help with my depression. During the conversation with my doctor, I said my depression over the last couple years was pretty bad and led to an affair. I said AN affair. Not TWO affairs, but AN affair. My BGF flipped out on me that I did not own up to my affairs to the doctor. I rationalized it by saying that one affair or two affairs do not make the depression any more or less severe. Of course, I’m not a doctor so how would I know. I took that option away from the doctor by not owning up to both affairs. It just came out before I knew what I’d said and just kept talking. I did it again when I told my BGF what our conversation was about. Why can I not see it before it comes out? I know it’s hurtful, I know lying is wrong, I know lying is a choice and yet the choice is sometimes hard to make.

This post started in one direction and took a turn. I really want to help her heal.

[This message edited by SheHatesMe at 1:28 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]

1DumbHusband posted 9/1/2013 00:33 AM

As a WS, I can attest that what you are experiencing and going through has paralleled my experience. I TT'd for a long time. I've been with my amazing BS for a little over 6 years, and I have TT'd and lied for most of that time. I did it for self preservation and also rationalized/justified it because I too thought I was somehow protecting my wife. I think for WS, it's hard to admit all that we've done initially. We hope and pray that it'll go away or that if we let out just enough details, that'll be good enough and our partners will forget about it. We never realize the damage that not being 100% honest will cause because we fear and truly believe that there's no ope for us if we come completely clean. I have recently divulged everything to my poor, suffering BS. The only part missing is some of the details surrounding the hows and whys. honestly, there are details I don't remember either because I compartmentalized them or repressed them for fear of what they'll mean to my M. However I have told my wife I'm working on some of those details. She has said she's still fearful there's more...and I cannot say that I blame her. I've had 6 years of practice lying and deceiving her that she's right to be suspicious. One way to address this with your wife is to say: "I've given you all that I know of/can remember. However if I think of something else, I'll tell you." One huge mistake I made a couple weeks ago was remembering a detail, but neglecting to tell my BS right away when it happened. I was planning on telling her, but elected not to at the time because I was guarding and also because I was dealing with a death in the family. When it finally did come back out, it nearly drove us apart and we were as close as ever to separating/D. Somehow, miraculously, we made it through that ordeal, but I promised to come clean with any new information as soon as I have it. I'm still working on some details, but my BS has been patient and understanding. It takes a lot of effort to have faith that telling your BS the truth will not result in someone leaving. It takes time and there will always be questions. I can't remember any new details of my transgressions, but I'm hoping they come out for my BS's healing.

As far as taking ownership, again it's self preservation initially. Also, depending on your personality, you may not always feel comfortable having people know your personal life. I can see your point of view and understand why you justified it as you did. It takes a lot of hard work to be proactive instead of reactive. I, especially guilty of that. I'm working on me though to improve this aspect.

TxsT posted 9/1/2013 06:41 AM


Thank you for opening this up to BS's. I am on a mission to figure out what my RWH has gone through during this whole sorted mess and posts like yours aid in my discovery.

Reading what both you and 1 dumb have said, I am hearing that maybe both of you are protecting yourself from the ugly truth. I don't say this with malice, please do not think I am sitting in judgement. I am just hearing that you don't know why you didn't speak up about 2 affairs at the doctors office. There is a difference between 1 and any more then 1 affair. For me it would be a deal breaker hands down. I wouldn't have even waisted time trying to get to R. I would have fixed myself and headed for the hills. Your wife is also telling you that 2 to her is much much worse then just one.

I am starting to think that, because a WS is the only one of the 2 that know exactly what went on, that they want to protect themselves from getting to the horrible pain of what they see their spouse experiencing every day. A WS's subconscious is protecting them from this shock, they aren't doing it deliberately. I am thinking this because I have read time and time again that WS's understand that they should come clean and just can't for what ever reason. There I no reason in the world that justifies withholding information, especially if they want to R. But their subconscious seems to make some decisions for them when such severe pain and trauma is involved.

I think the only way a WS can get beyond this wall is to honestly enter into IC with the right attitude. They are broken and need to understand why. They usually don't want to be the monster their spouse thinks they are.....and yes anyone who can have an A in my books is a monster because it is cruel. To own up to not being in love anymore would have been the appropriate move and the fair one. But A's take the fairness away. A WS robs their spouse of being able to make the best choice for me when i say that they won't let you get away with that again.

I guess my point is be brave....look at how brave your spouse has been through the worst time of her life. If you can get beyond your fear you will reap such incredible rewards. I have told my husband that there is now nothing more he could say to me that would make me want to leave. The hurt has been unbearable but my strength through this has surprised and impressed me. I am stronger then I ever imagined. What I am not yet is free of the is the worry that this might not happen again.....and I am well into R!!! Good R.

What I want to hear from my husband is the gods honest truth of how this started, when it started, why it started. He is so afraid that the truth will kill me....what he doesn't realize is he is protecting himself for being destroyed by that very truth. It makes him feel very ashamed of what he did AND HE SHOULD. I know he knows all these answers. In the end a WS that doesn't come true and clean is still just displaying the core behaviour of avoidance and selfishness. As a BS I think that is why I push so hard. I didn't have a choice at how this was going to pan out. My H took that away from me when he had an A instead of being honest and telling me he didn't care as he used to. Had he done that I would have respected him. I wouldn't have liked what he was saying but he would have been being honest. Avoiding demeans honesty and the only way you can regain it is to show it 100%.


Ps....god I hope I didn't sound like I was on a soap box. It was just something that came to me quickly and I had to get it out. If the powers at be feel I was too harsh please let me know.

[This message edited by TxsT at 6:51 AM, September 1st (Sunday)]

womaninflux posted 9/1/2013 09:18 AM

Our MC said doctors rely on information they are presented with in treating their patients. My hunch is that it would have been helpful for your doctor to know this is a pattern vs. a one time thing as far as number of affairs.

My H went to a psychiatrist last fall (at the urging of my father). This was before the A was discovered by me and it had already been going on for over two years at that point. He did not tell the doctor about the A. He mentions after DD that the psychiatrist he saw did not think he was depressed. I asked if he told him he was having an affair and he said no. So, I said, "well you weren't being truthful, were you? How is the doctor supposed to help you if he doesn't know the whole picture?" and left it at that.

I am almost 6 months off of DD. The thing that hurts the most is the TT. I have said that I can probably get over the A, but the lying and betrayal is something that will be much harder to get past. A few weeks ago I learned about info (trips H took with OW) that I asked him about the night he finally admitted to the affair (he had been in denial about it for the first 2 weeks after I confronted him). Had he just told me the truth, I would have accepted that already. He was minimizing everything at the time...trying to make it not look as bad as it was (duration of the affair, extent to which they were together). But now, it reinjures everything, sets me back and yes it makes me believe there is MORE he is hiding. How could there not be? Lying is the only thing he's been reliable about in the past 3 years. I have no choice but to doubt.

In my H's SA therapy process, he has to make a full disclosure. He hasn't done this yet - he's only 60 days into the detox. He claims there is nothing more for me to know but he's already asserted that a few times so you can imagine, I am not buying it. You might want to consider this at some point when you feel like you can be totally honest. Write it all out -dates, trips, money spent, gifts bought. Sit down and read it to her. I guess disclosures usually happen on Friday so that the BP has the weekend to process all of it. I would not get into the level of detail of what you did in bed with the A but the other stuff I mentioned is stuff your BGF would probably find helpful to the healing process.

Just a thought.

TxsT posted 9/1/2013 12:34 PM

I want to second the very good in sites of Woman in flux....your doctor needs to know everything.

I struggled for a week before meeting a new doctor for the first time. I had gone around and round on the issue of what, if anything I should disclose. In the end, my heart issues far outweighed my need for privacy and I told him a good chunk of it. He was so thankful I did. He said exactly what woman said treatment would have been based on limited knowledge. Your symptoms, put into the light of just suffering from learning about an A have far more reaching complications to you heart then you might realize. He treated me major depression immediately and then ordered a stress test and an EKG. Without that knowledge he would have thought I was just mildly agitated about something. I guess I was just tired of people who didn't know the whole story to give me silly advice like take it easy and stop stressing. If I hear about what I need to do one more time I will scream....!!!!

My H's decision isn't my fault but boy oh boy am I paying for it in spades.


1DumbHusband posted 9/2/2013 01:17 AM

TxsT: you were right in that I was protecting myself from the ugly truth. I've since gone full disclosure however my beautiful BS still believes there is more. And I understand her feelings and doubts. I've essentially been lying, TT-ing, gas lighting, and rug sweeping for 6 years. That's an incredible amount of time and pretty much most of our relationship. I didn't want to face the reality of just how selfish I was, or how I didn't love my wife as much as I said I did. My actions clearly proved the contrary. The hardest part now is proving the love is real and that the cards are all out there. We've actually had a good weekend. Then tonight, I remembered a detail about one of my EA. Rather than hold it in and wait to disclose, I told my wife right away. I thought about not telling her until the weekend was over, but I told her I would disclose any new information as soon as I thought of it and I did. Needless to say, I think I ruined (in some way) our weekend now and now my BS is hurt all over again. The past two days have been the best two days since DDay. We were optimistic, she was acknowledging the strides and effort I've made to change for us, and we were (dare I say) happy again...which hasn't been the case since DDay. I'm taking ownership for a lot of the problems we've had in the past. I didn't realize I was TT-ing, gas lighting, etc. so for now, we're in a bad place again, but I hope the rewards for owning the responsibility and not continuing to lie/TT when I remember something pay off in having good days again and talking about R once again.

ccw82 posted 9/2/2013 09:36 AM

SHM: Your BS has an internal instinct to not believe you now. Call it a coping mechanism or whatever, but after being lied to for so long now it's natural for her to not believe you, even if you are telling the truth now finally.

My WH (1DumbHusband) has finally admitted to TTing, gas lighting, and blame shifting over the course of 6 years...pretty much our entire relationship. He *says* now that he's telling the truth about everything, but that just occurred two weeks ago. 6 years versus 2 weeks...would you believe that you were finally being told the truth in this situation, or would you instinctively believe there was more?

***My apologies***

[This message edited by ccw82 at 6:09 PM, September 2nd (Monday)]

authenticnow posted 9/2/2013 10:08 AM


Please start your own thread for support for your issue with your WH. Don't use SheHatesMe's thread to address your H, that takes away from the support he is seeking in his thread.


SheHatesMe posted 9/3/2013 08:02 AM

Hello, all. I just wanted to say thank you for the support and advice you've given me through this thread. Your words and sentiment have been very helpful. I realize the minimizing affect I had by not telling my doctor everything. I have promised my BGF that I will fully inform my doctor at my next appointment in a couple weeks. It was not right to hold anything back when she's trying to help. I did this to my BGF while she was trying to help me before the A's started. She tried to help and didn't allow her to by withholding my feelings. Thank you again.

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