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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: need quick visitation question help!
LadyQ
♀ 32847
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My 16 year old is really struggling, and doesn't want to see her dad.

Do I make her go? If she doesn't go, do I tell him, or is it better if she does. She has a counseling appointment next Saturday, but she's supposed to go to her dad's tonight. So, I need so e advice, QUICK!


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Dreamboat
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is 16 and nearly an adult. IMO, she can make the decision not to see him as an adult, but then she has to act like an adult and tell him herself. If she does not want to do that then she does not have the maturity to make the decision not to see him.

Again this is just my opinion.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreed. She should be able to tell him herself, although I can understand that would be incredibly difficult for her. Maybe you could provide moral fortitude.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10140 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
scooter72
♀ 40381
Member # 40381
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a quick note as I'm new here. The issue with letting 16yo make the decision is if ex is a good dad and there are no reasons to not go, he can ask a judge for visitation. If she is old enough to make that decision, in some states that also means there can be a child support modification and he wouldn't be asked to pay as much as he may be paying now.


Me-BS 39 and holding
WW- 42
3ds 13,6.5,4.5
2sd 15,14
SS -11
Dday 8-3-13
Separating

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NC
homewrecked2011
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can she just go have dinner with her Dad? My 16 year old son doesn't really want to hang out with his Dad that much, so he goes to eat dinner with him 1 night a week.


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2383 | Registered: Jan 2012
debbysbaby
♀ 32962
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she is old enough to make that decision, in some states that also means there can be a child support modification and he wouldn't be asked to pay as much as he may be paying now.

This is highly unlikely. If anything, In states where parenting time figures into the child support calculation, less visitation would mean more child support.

I think Dreamboats approach was perfect.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 887 | Registered: Aug 2011
LadyQ
♀ 32847
Member # 32847
What?  Posted: 9:27 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your help, all.

Her going to see him or not won't affect child support, there are noncustodial parents who never see their kids, but still have to pay child support.

She texted him to tell him she was not going.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Ashland13
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our DD is younger but struggles with similar sentiments since her dad abandoned us. She has trust issues now that he has made happen and PTSD from being abandoned. FWIW to share, I find the more I try to exert myself to her, the more she rebels and resents me already and it's not to do with him because she has to go due to her age. I have a friend who had this happen as you are, LadyQ, and she stepped back from the child and allowed him his own decision, thought it was very hard for her to watch and not take part in. He chose to go with the WH but was very let down by him and when the going got tough, marched straight back to the mom, who was always there for meeting any of his needs. He remembered that of her even though she was/is the more strict parent and that was her hope...and he got to make his own choice and felt grown up and trusted by her to do it, though it was hard for her to let go and worry about what might happen to him.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2413 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Griefstricken25
♀ 29183
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm late to the thread, but at 16, I would let my child decide. I'd encourage him or her to tell the other parent, but I would do the telling if he/she did not want to, with the understanding that I will not always do so, and the child has to take ownership of her own relationship with her dad.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2529 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
UMBL
♀ 39605
Member # 39605
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my 13 year old also does not want to go alot of times...however, be careful. I have been researching this, and from what I can tell, you can still be held in contempt until they are 18 if they don't go - even if it's their choice.

I'm going to speak to my attorney about it this week to get clarification.


BW - UMBL "Unhappily Married But Looking". His most recent Yahoo chat group
WH - SA
Blended Family - 2nd Marriage
DDay #1 - Jan 2009
DDay #2 - June 2013

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Alabama
sparkysable
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say no, do not force her to go.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3564 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
LadyQ
♀ 32847
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the end, she didn't go. She has a therapy appt. next Saturday, and I told her that at some point she is going to have to talk with her dad about she feels.

In Texas, at 14 a child can decide if they want to do visitation or not. I think that's young, so I didn't tell my kids that. But my middle kiddo is sharp and figured it out. I have been encouraging her not to shut her dad out entirely, he is after all her dad. I hope that after a few sessions with the counselor she will feel comfortable enough to have her dad there so they can talk. He may be an ass, but he's the only father she has.

Thanks for all your advice!


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Topic Posts: 12

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