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Has anyone else experienced this?

We're in the middle of something and he wants to pull me in the direction of something playful, have fun doing something different. And I freeze. I can't. All I feel is pain, like a jolt to my heart. I want to run away and cry.

I don't understand this

It's been a roller coaster, one day it's working, and the next I want to leave. Something else always breaks the progress. This week it was a questionable text. And then yesterday, contact from an ex of his (someone before us, but who he told to leave him alone).

I feel myself sinking further into a hole, and I just want it to stop. How is it that we can be laughing, and it makes me want to cry????

I personally believe that often having fun is the hardest thing ever. I have been through this and still it''s happening. What I think is that when a good time occurs and you feel yourself going with it you get the hardest ever smack in the face to remind you just what a shit time you are going through AND that if it wasn''t for you allowing it your WS wouldn''t be allowed this good time with you! Does that make sense?

I have talked to my WH about this as he finds it hard to understand why I can break down crying while we are having the best time ever. My response is that ''IT'' (the A) hasn''t gone away, it never goes away and while we are enjoying ourselves I''m reminded how close he has come to throwing that all away.

In another thread in Recinciliation forum (I think) there was a question asking whether your WS had given you a heartfelt apology and one BS responded that what she wanted was for her WH to apologise when things were going well and I can completely relate to this. They are here, having this ''good moment'' only by the grace of us the BS. And it really sodding well hurts!

If you have a truly remorseful WS then tell him how you feel. Tell him that for you, the pain is still there, it is a constant and that you need way more time to be able to go with that happy flow.

On a more positive note do try to go with the happy flow if you find it possible. It helps when you can look back post A to good times rather than just remembering good times you had before the A.

I hope this helps TrulySad.

[This message edited by UKlady at 5:27 PM, August 31st, 2013 (Saturday)]

I like to call what you described my pendulum swing in the other direction. I honestly believe that my subconscious is protecting me from the awful hurt it went through and it does so by reminding me that, even though we are getting stronger together each day in R I must be mindful to make sure he GETS IT that I will never allow is to happen to me again.

T