Never2btrusted,
I am the betrayed spouse, and I can identify with a lot of your wife’s emotions. My wife had her affair 10 years ago.
You ask a lot of good questions and I, unfortunately, cannot answer them. How a BS deals with marital infidelity is a deeply personal choice. It’s not one that you or I can understand very easily.
I will answer your questions myself. It may give you some insight on a way to open a dialog with your wife about her feelings in regards to your questions.
“...Is there anyone who can say that they picked up all the pieces, put their marriage together, and that their life is so much fuller than before?”
I know for me there was no picking up the pieces. There was a starting over, if you can even call it that. It’s more accurate to say that my life is split into two parts: pre-affair and post-affair. There are positives and negatives on both sides. I do not consider either to be better, but for certain, I wish the affair had not happened. There were more cases of cheating later that I entirely hid from, and did not even process till recently, so that is also affecting the pre/post analogy I laid out before. I do certainly wish that I had the wife, “I knew” back then. I put that in quotes because let’s face facts; cheaters hide an entire part of themselves from their spouses. It’s that visible part of the old spouse that we hunger for, the one that was true and did not hurt us. That old spouse is dead, however and I think that a lot of us BS’s have a really hard time letting that person go. It would be like if your wife was suddenly killed, the grief is just that much more intense.
As far as being a fuller life than before, that’s a bit of a loaded question. In a flat response, sure it’s fuller. It now includes grief, and sorrow. I’m sure that’s not the meaning that you had in mind. Yes, we go on to make more happy memories, but we also know that there is the shadow of the infidelity there. That kind of leads into your next question:
“That the memories they have are cherished and don't seem like frauds”
The memories are not frauds. They are just as real as any other memory of something that happened. Here’s the catch… Those really nice memories of the day spent at the park with the kids or the romantic evening out are just as real as the memories of the emotional trauma of the affair. It is I think a bit presumptuous of a WS to think that a BS will just “forget” all the bad memories and just remember the good ones. Those bad ones are now just as much a part of your shared story as the good ones.
“That the trust is 100 percent there all the time”
This is very unlikely to happen. Your wife is never going to be comfortable if you are close to another female that is not related. (I don’t mean physically close, like a friend) A lot of married couples have opposite gender friends that they can talk to, but due to the WS’s poor boundaries, BS’s and WS’s generally can’t have those kinds of relationships without the worry. That’s also just part of the deal.
I saved this one for last:
“That it was worth it.”
Again, this goes back to the highly personal choice thing again. To some “it” was worth it and to others it will never be worth “it”. Some BS’s have other reasons besides the WS to stay. These reasons are just as valid as staying for the WS themselves. For a moment, if you put your affair out of your mind and imagine that your wife had strayed, would it be “worth” it to you? Ask yourself that before you ask your wife.
On a more personal note, you mention that your wife had to fight to bring you back. That is probably the single most damaging thing a BS can do to themselves. It leaves a lot of questions about their personal worth and their worth to you. These questions can linger for a long time. When the BS has to “fight” for the WS and the WS comes back, a lot of us are left feeling like a “second” choice. Unfortunately, there is not a lot the WS is going to be able to do years down the road to assuage those feelings in the BS.
Well, I’m sure a lot of people will heavily disagree with me on this, but I thought I would share what I thought.
Good luck.