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Confused D -day 2 Months

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Needadrink posted 8/31/2013 19:27 PM

I have just found out the my H has been having a EA for the past 18 yrs. we have been married for 28 yrs and together for 32. He is currently working overseas and took this position at the beginning of this year.. He decided to come clean after I asked him by email. He told me everything that she too is a MW it has been the same one and there have been no others. I have asked all the hurtful questions and believe he has been honest with his answers. I decided not to go overseas with him this time as we have travelled a lot with his work and the place he is at is not a safe place. We have 2 kids, 22 and 23 they both know and are finding it hard to communicate now with their Dad. He said he realised that with him being alone he needed to come clean in order to rebuild our marriage, he is not trying to justify anything he has done and says that he is just so ashamed and remorseful and really wants our marriage to work. What makes it so difficult is the fact that he needs his job being 57 it would be hard for him to get another job. We are currently building a house so financially we are paying mortgage and rent. He told me shortly after the building started. He says that a lot of the A has been emotional and he has seen her approx 8 times, she has travelled overseas to see him and he has seen her on business trips. I had him call her and tell her it was finished, and he did. I just find it so difficult to rebuild with him being there and me being here, it's a day to fly to his location. I am on a real roller coaster as some days I want to try and others I just feel like packing it all in. I have suspected a couple of times in the 18 yrs that he was having an A but he swore to me that he wouldn't do that. I am so confused he tells me that he really is so sorry, he also said that he had thought about suicide but realised that was the cowards way out. He had everything I could give him, sex was good, I was always the attentive wife, obviously something was missing. His reason for keeping it going for so long was that he felt trapped and he was afraid that the OW was going to tell me, I find that hard to believe especially as she was a MW too, he did say that she wanted him to leave me though and he says he told her no.LOL I feel like I am on a never ending roller coaster and its never going to stop. Anyone any ideas how to get off?

hard_yards posted 9/1/2013 06:46 AM

Hi Needadrink, boy, I bet you do.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in need of a site like this, but it's the best place to be for support and advice under the circumstances.

Honey, 18 years.... that's seems like more than an EA to me, it's a lifestyle. As they have been together on occasions during that time, I'm assuming that it was a PA (physical affair) too.

One very important thing to remember is this... none of this is your fault in any way, shape, or form. His A is 100% on him. Regardless of the state of the marriage, regardless of circumstances, regardless of separation for employment, nothing gives him the option of having an affair, absolutely nothing.

Unfortunately, a very large part of having an A is deception and lies. If he owned up to being together with her 8 times, be prepared for the fact that it was probably many more than that. The WS will often only own up to a lesser degree of the truth, under the guise of "not wanting to hurt you further", but be assured, in reality, they don't want to cope with you being hurt more. Not the same thing at all.

Has he attempted to give you a "why"? Why he thought a life like this was a good idea, why he thought he was entitled to make a decision like this, that affected your life and that of your children? Make no mistake, his actions will have affected your marriage for the duration of his affair, and of course, your future as well. Living a life as he has, he has to have had thoughts of her when with you, thoughts of you when with her, unless he is a master of compartmentalization, as many WS are. And that in itself is another form of crazy making, hard to get your head around.

Do you know this OW? Does she live where you do, or was it all conducted with the supposed safety of distance, overseas?

Are you able to contact her BS?

As for the roller coaster, unfortunately, there isn't any way to get off until it slows down enough that you can cope without noticing the dips and peaks quite so much.

Time is your friend.

There are so many people on this site that can offer you support. There's almost always someone around, regardless of the time of day or night, one of the advantages of being a global community. Please lean on the collective wisdom here, many here will have walked either the same path, or a very similar one to that which you now find yourself on.

Make sure you take care of yourself, eat, drink plenty of water, sleep... don't be afraid to ask your Dr for a little help if anxiety or insomnia take control. Try and get out of the house and do something you enjoy, try and find a little beauty in your days.

This is a journey that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but one thing I can guarantee you is that you will feel better than you do right now, promise, it just takes time.

There really are a lot of similarities between your story and mine, if you would like to PM me, I'd be happy to chat. Hugs honey, lots of hugs.

[This message edited by hard_yards at 6:50 AM, September 1st (Sunday)]

Pippy posted 9/1/2013 10:39 AM

It seems to me that you have an awful lot of obstacles in your way to R when he is working "far away". How can you go to MC and do the usual things in R when you are so far from each other? No wonder you are on the roller coaster. Nothing has had a chance to be settled.

It seems to me that your new house and his job have been put ahead of your M in terms of priority. You both have some important choices to make.

Needadrink posted 9/1/2013 16:28 PM

Hi hard_yards,yes it started out as a PA approx 2 Months before we headed off overseas with another job. he then had no contact with her for 4 Yrs. He met up with her again when he had to travel back again due to a change in job.This is how t would be , he would move and go to his new job and I would be left at home to pack up the home, the schools, the kids. looking back I feel like a puppy dog but i didn't know then what I know now!!! so all moved in and settled down and she decides to hop on a plane to the country we are in, you see she was born there and her parents are there so how convenient He has sex with her twice then, it was at this stage that I confronted him and he denied anything, made me feel like a complete idiot for even thinking that.We were there for 7 Yrs and he kept in touch by phone but not that regular.We moved back to Autralia and he saw her twice on business trips. He claims not to have had physical contact with her for about 4 yrs.I realise that there probably would have been more times than he is saying but 1 time or a hundred, it still cuts you to the core. No I did not know her and I do not have her BS details. My WS gave me her phone number on my demand and I tried to call her to let her know it was finished, kept getting message bank, so left a message, I made it clear with no abuse that she had been used and my WS had no intention of taking up with her, she called him made up a load of lies telling WS that I had called her a prostitute, whore and so on and she was going to the police, she couldn't believe he had told me!!! anyway here we are trying to move on and I know it's hard with him being overseas, funnily enough I don't suspect he is doing anything there. I have never seen him so emotional or broken, in fact I don't recognise him as he too has been living with this lie all this time so he keeps telling me he can now be the man he should have been all along.At this stage I am going to IC eventually he will go and we will do couple therapy also.In the meantime he is reading lots of books on the issue.

Needadrink posted 9/1/2013 16:37 PM

Pippy, I understand exactly what you are saying and this is my biggest dilema. It is really difficult.I am going to IC and he is reading, he is in a thirld world country so cannot do IC. We both want to be together but someone has to pay the rent and mortgage

Needadrink posted 9/5/2013 01:09 AM

Ok so I just found out today that H would meet OW in a motel or hotel and that they would have sex 3 or 4 times.I honestly didn't think that he was capable of that, even though it was available with me if he wanted it. I have gone right back to that gut wrenching feeling that I had on D Day.

hard_yards posted 9/5/2013 02:33 AM

Hi, yes, the lies and deception can really do a number on you.

With an affair as long as your WS, he must have felt like he was living two parallel lives.

It's really hard to get your mind around what was real, and what wasn't. Who he really is.

So, since you first posted what's been happening? How did you find out this latest revelation?

Has the OW tried to contact him again?

Hopefully, she's disappeared, but after an A of that duration, be prepared that it will be hard for them to change the pattern over night.

Have you got access to all his usual forms of communication? Is he answering all your questions and supporting you while you try and come to grips with this.

Just remember, this is no reflection on you, or your willingness to be intimate with him.

Hugs honey.

[This message edited by hard_yards at 2:51 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]

Needadrink posted 9/5/2013 07:30 AM

I know everyone says to eat properly but how do you do that when you feel so sick all the time. Food feels like the only thing I have control of at the moment.

hard_yards posted 9/6/2013 05:46 AM

No, you have a lot more strength and control than you realize.

From this point on, everything is about you, make it that way. No one can appreciate the devastation of infidelity unless, unfortunately, they find themselves dealing with it. Not even your WS.

As far as eating goes, eat anything you can, even a diet of chocolate right now is okay, it's all calories!

Try liquid meal replacements at the very least, something like Ensure, not the diet stuff.

Try walking or running if that's what you do for exercise, try and get out of the house, a change of scenery often helps, make sure you drink plenty of water, and try to sleep whenever you can, sleep is a great healer.

Have you got someone in real life to lean on? I hope so.

These early days are like nothing else, but this is only a temporary state honey, you will feel better than this, promise.

ETD: sent you a PM

[This message edited by hard_yards at 6:03 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

Needadrink posted 9/6/2013 06:21 AM

Hi Hard_Yards I hear you! as for having anyone to lean on I don't have anyone close due to us moving around a lot and I am quite new to the area where we are now. I do have my 2 beautiful dogs though, don't know what i would do without them Thanks I appreciate your comments

Needadrink posted 9/7/2013 08:10 AM

So here is the latest. I got her number sent her a message asking for her side of the story, she rang me back abusive(what a nerve) i mean 18 yrs of shagging with my H. i just need some answers. Now she is calling me continuously but on a blocked number. need advice from someone in a similar situation

Girlietoo posted 9/7/2013 08:53 AM

Well, I'm a newbie myself and don't know much. I guess what I would do is rip this b@tch a new one. She wants trouble, you can bring trouble. I'd tell her that you will go to the police if she doesn't stop calling. You will out her to her BS (she likely thinks your WH will give up all her dirty little secrets). Have your WS write her a strongly worded no contact letter and if all else fails, see a lawyer.

That is what I would do- veterans will be along to give you some proper advice.

I am really sorry this happened to you, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Well, except my WH mistress, I hope that bitch gets it back in spades.

hard_yards posted 9/7/2013 13:56 PM

Wow, something has definitely rattled her cage... there's something here that just doesn't sit right.

I still have concerns about your WS coming clean (ha!) about this now, after all, he's gotten away with it for such a mind boggling long time, why now? Very few WS actually have a real epiphany and decide to tell all.

As for her... well she's on attack, something has definitely stirred her up.

Honey.... he's lying....he hasn't just decided to do the "right thing" after doing the wrong thing for so long. Maybe she had threatened him with disclosure so he thought he'd get in first.

Have you done some on line research on her and her phone number? It would be good if you could contact her BS, he should know what's gone on in his marriage too. You can find out an awful lot with google, and many countries have reverse number look-ups (BTDT


Probably, your telco can't do much about the calls, and if it's from overseas the police won't be interested either. Pressure from her BS might though. Let the calls go to answer phone, then ring back those you need to.

Just as she's invading your home... you can do the same.

You won't ever get any reliable answers from her... she's toxic... she has no interest in helping you deal with it, why would she, she's the cause, her and your WS. He's the only one that can give you the answers you need, and unfortunately that can be a vain hope too. That's a whole different conversation.

I sent you a PM, look for it at the top of the forums page, click on Private Messages... Hugs.

cliffside posted 9/7/2013 14:51 PM

She's harassing YOU?! What the hell have you done?? It should be the opposite. I agree with hard_yards, something has really rattled her cage. Regardless, she has one hell of a nerve. I'm pretty good at researching people. If you want, PM me her name and location and I will try to get you her BS info and PM it back to you.
Fuck. That. Whore.

Needadrink posted 9/7/2013 17:27 PM

Hi cliffside I think she is trying to intimidate me she sound very controlling she was just yelling and telling me to listen to her. I couldn't understand very well though, her English was poor. She says that she has told her husband and kids, Ha don't believe that for a second. I am not sure how to send a PM can you please advise me. Thanks

Broken1Again posted 9/7/2013 17:47 PM

Ok so I just found out today that H would meet OW in a motel or hotel and that they would have sex 3 or 4 times.I honestly didn't think that he was capable of that, even though it was available with me if he wanted it. I have gone right back to that gut wrenching feeling that I had on D Day.

He isn't capable of it in normal circumstances...If he was with her permanently he wouldn't be "capable" of it either. That's the allure of these things. The WS and OW/OM get all hot and bothered therefore it must be "love". Sure...until the bills start mounting, work is calling, the kettle is boiling, someone has cramps from eating to much food and spends 20 minutes in the bathroom, then has to return 5 minutes later, then yells "can you grab me some toilet paper". Sure...Whatever.

I know it's no consolation to you, but she is no one. She's a fantasy. He would be the biggest dufus on the planet to leave you for her. He knows it. The problem is now though how to break 18 years of pattern. The A becomes like an addiction. I don't know how to help regarding recommending counselling. Will he go on his own for IC where he is at. At least that is a step in the right direction.

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 5:48 PM, September 7th (Saturday)]

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