Honey, 18 years.... that's seems like more than an EA to me, it's a lifestyle. As they have been together on occasions during that time, I'm assuming that it was a PA (physical affair) too.
One very important thing to remember is this... none of this is your fault in any way, shape, or form. His A is 100% on him. Regardless of the state of the marriage, regardless of circumstances, regardless of separation for employment, nothing gives him the option of having an affair, absolutely nothing.
Unfortunately, a very large part of having an A is deception and lies. If he owned up to being together with her 8 times, be prepared for the fact that it was probably many more than that. The WS will often only own up to a lesser degree of the truth, under the guise of "not wanting to hurt you further", but be assured, in reality, they don't want to cope with you being hurt more. Not the same thing at all.
Has he attempted to give you a "why"? Why he thought a life like this was a good idea, why he thought he was entitled to make a decision like this, that affected your life and that of your children? Make no mistake, his actions will have affected your marriage for the duration of his affair, and of course, your future as well. Living a life as he has, he has to have had thoughts of her when with you, thoughts of you when with her, unless he is a master of compartmentalization, as many WS are. And that in itself is another form of crazy making, hard to get your head around.
Do you know this OW? Does she live where you do, or was it all conducted with the supposed safety of distance, overseas?
Are you able to contact her BS?
As for the roller coaster, unfortunately, there isn't any way to get off until it slows down enough that you can cope without noticing the dips and peaks quite so much.
Time is your friend.
There are so many people on this site that can offer you support. There's almost always someone around, regardless of the time of day or night, one of the advantages of being a global community. Please lean on the collective wisdom here, many here will have walked either the same path, or a very similar one to that which you now find yourself on.
Make sure you take care of yourself, eat, drink plenty of water, sleep... don't be afraid to ask your Dr for a little help if anxiety or insomnia take control. Try and get out of the house and do something you enjoy, try and find a little beauty in your days.
This is a journey that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but one thing I can guarantee you is that you will feel better than you do right now, promise, it just takes time.
There really are a lot of similarities between your story and mine, if you would like to PM me, I'd be happy to chat. Hugs honey, lots of hugs.
[This message edited by hard_yards at 6:50 AM, September 1st (Sunday)]
It seems to me that your new house and his job have been put ahead of your M in terms of priority. You both have some important choices to make.
With an affair as long as your WS, he must have felt like he was living two parallel lives.
It's really hard to get your mind around what was real, and what wasn't. Who he really is.
So, since you first posted what's been happening? How did you find out this latest revelation?
Has the OW tried to contact him again?
Hopefully, she's disappeared, but after an A of that duration, be prepared that it will be hard for them to change the pattern over night.
Have you got access to all his usual forms of communication? Is he answering all your questions and supporting you while you try and come to grips with this.
Just remember, this is no reflection on you, or your willingness to be intimate with him.
[This message edited by hard_yards at 2:51 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]
From this point on, everything is about you, make it that way. No one can appreciate the devastation of infidelity unless, unfortunately, they find themselves dealing with it. Not even your WS.
As far as eating goes, eat anything you can, even a diet of chocolate right now is okay, it's all calories!
Try liquid meal replacements at the very least, something like Ensure, not the diet stuff.
Try walking or running if that's what you do for exercise, try and get out of the house, a change of scenery often helps, make sure you drink plenty of water, and try to sleep whenever you can, sleep is a great healer.
Have you got someone in real life to lean on? I hope so.
These early days are like nothing else, but this is only a temporary state honey, you will feel better than this, promise.
ETD: sent you a PM
[This message edited by hard_yards at 6:03 AM, September 6th (Friday)]
That is what I would do- veterans will be along to give you some proper advice.
I am really sorry this happened to you, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Well, except my WH mistress, I hope that bitch gets it back in spades.
I still have concerns about your WS coming clean (ha!) about this now, after all, he's gotten away with it for such a mind boggling long time, why now? Very few WS actually have a real epiphany and decide to tell all.
As for her... well she's on attack, something has definitely stirred her up.
Honey.... he's lying....he hasn't just decided to do the "right thing" after doing the wrong thing for so long. Maybe she had threatened him with disclosure so he thought he'd get in first.
Have you done some on line research on her and her phone number? It would be good if you could contact her BS, he should know what's gone on in his marriage too. You can find out an awful lot with google, and many countries have reverse number look-ups (BTDT
Probably, your telco can't do much about the calls, and if it's from overseas the police won't be interested either. Pressure from her BS might though. Let the calls go to answer phone, then ring back those you need to.
Just as she's invading your home... you can do the same.
You won't ever get any reliable answers from her... she's toxic... she has no interest in helping you deal with it, why would she, she's the cause, her and your WS. He's the only one that can give you the answers you need, and unfortunately that can be a vain hope too. That's a whole different conversation.
I sent you a PM, look for it at the top of the forums page, click on Private Messages... Hugs.
Ok so I just found out today that H would meet OW in a motel or hotel and that they would have sex 3 or 4 times.I honestly didn't think that he was capable of that, even though it was available with me if he wanted it. I have gone right back to that gut wrenching feeling that I had on D Day.
He isn't capable of it in normal circumstances...If he was with her permanently he wouldn't be "capable" of it either. That's the allure of these things. The WS and OW/OM get all hot and bothered therefore it must be "love". Sure...until the bills start mounting, work is calling, the kettle is boiling, someone has cramps from eating to much food and spends 20 minutes in the bathroom, then has to return 5 minutes later, then yells "can you grab me some toilet paper". Sure...Whatever.
I know it's no consolation to you, but she is no one. She's a fantasy. He would be the biggest dufus on the planet to leave you for her. He knows it. The problem is now though how to break 18 years of pattern. The A becomes like an addiction. I don't know how to help regarding recommending counselling. Will he go on his own for IC where he is at. At least that is a step in the right direction.
[This message edited by Broken1Again at 5:48 PM, September 7th (Saturday)]