SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Saleschick posted 9/1/2013 00:14 AM

Most people do not think I should inform the OW husband that she has helped break up my 28 year relationship and shown now remorse to me or anyone else who knows about it. However, several people have said I should contact the OW husband. One friend said she was cheated on before and the neighbors all knew and never said anything. She wished someone had told her sooner. Some friends also are frustrated for me (as am I) that the OW is not facing any consequences. Any thoughts if I should just leave it alone and let karma work on its own?

259 posted 9/1/2013 00:22 AM

I can't say what you should do but I can tell you what I did and how that didn't work for me.

I was told by SI members to contact. I decided that I wouldn't because I thought "my" situation was different to others. hah.

I wish I had right at the beginning. my bad. it would have stopped the affair starting up again.

but you have to decide for yourself.

good luck

((saleschick))

summerain posted 9/1/2013 01:26 AM

aghhhh it's that dreaded question!

Yes yes yes

my experience was not very successful, I would recommend doing it anonymously: no-one advised that one to me.

Never ever underestimate how easy and stress relieving being anonymous is.

RightTrack posted 9/1/2013 01:31 AM

Absolutely. Don't you wish someone would have told you? The support I have received from OW's BS's has been great in the last year. It's just another set of eyes enforcing the NC. She did email my WH and I was able to just forward the email to her BS and that was the end.

I had a lot of difficulty in the beginning when I was thinking of contacting him. I was worried that I was motivated out of hatred and revenge, and yes, I was when it came to her/whore/married OW. But when it came to informing her spouse, I was nothing but understanding and compassionate. Imagine yourself as the BS who is still in the dark, not as the revenge figure.

Besides, a little justice is good for everyone. Best wishes to you.

wannabenormal posted 9/1/2013 03:05 AM

Looking back now, I say yes. What do you have to lose?

IF you end up D'ing, it's not because you told and if you're told that by a WS, it's bullshit quite frankly.

Other side of coin of telling is that it does wake up a WS.

I wish I would've done more in the beginning. I think I would've still ended up divorced, but I would feel better about how I handled things.

(her BH did contact me, I was glad he did. I didn't contact him first because I was told they were D'd. They weren't.)

trumanshow posted 9/1/2013 08:13 AM

A million times yes

There was no way I was going to become an enabler for their dirty little secret

heforgotme posted 9/1/2013 08:29 AM

Absolutely tell him. He deserves to know what he is married to, not to mention the fact that she could be exposing him to stds.

hurtsobadinside posted 9/1/2013 08:43 AM

Saleschick:

You must definitely tell the affiar partner's faithful spouse. They has every right to know "whats going on in their marriage"
When my WW said she felt stalked on my confrontation day with her, I responded with "So you dont think I have any right to know whats going on in my marriage becasue I do think i have every right to know what's going on my my marriage?..
she didnt say one word..that stops them in their tracks.

If was my friends @ SI that continued to prompt me to tell my wayward wife's affair partner's faithful wife. and to this day i cannot say thank you enough for that support.

I called AP's wife on the phone (turned off my caller ID on my cell) and called almost 20 times in one day and she finally answered.
I then identified myself, and told her that her husband and my wife were having an affair, and her response was "it doesnt suprise me". calmly too

To this day she thanks me over and over for making that call. She attributs my support to her of trying to repair her marriage in fact she told her wayward husband on several occasions, if it wasnt for me she would have "D" him.

We continued to stay in contact for months watching our wayward's every move until the real NC occurred in July 2012. We do talk occasionally just to see how things are going.

Thats how we knew that NC had not occurred becasue we stayed in contact.

NC did eventually occur (intiated by my WW) and we both are working on our marriages.

Affairs thrive in secrecy, breaking that secrecy will usually stop the affair. AP caved in immediately, confessed everything to his faithful wife and threw my WW under the bus, my WW was empotionally involved (just like the books say)and it took longer for her to come out of the "fog".

I am sending you strength to advise the AP's faithful spouse becasue they have every right to know whats going on in their marriage and get thru this mess your broken wayward spouse got your family into

I also sent AP's wife several books from amazon. "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass is one of the best as is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair?"

me: 58
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA-maybe 10yrs?) with her former boss
one d-24 yrs old
married 25 yrs
in "R"
and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful

edited for spelling

[This message edited by hurtsobadinside at 8:46 AM, September 1st (Sunday)]

LadyQ posted 9/1/2013 08:44 AM

I didn't for a really long time. X told me the ow's H was crazy and would beat her up. X told me he would lose his job (although this woman didn't work for or with him). I believed that for a long time. Then I saw the BH posting things on Facebook about how he was confused and couldn't figure out what he was doing wrong. I finally told him. I really wish I hadn't waited so long. This poor guy struggled for too long thinking he was at fault and I could have helped with that. It's one of the only things that I can look back and say "I regret".

Tell the BS. If not for yourself and your relationship, for the BS and their sanity.

womaninflux posted 9/1/2013 08:55 AM

Definitely tell the OW's spouse.

However, do not set yourself up for disappointment as far as the other things go.

Don't expect a thank you from the spouse you inform.

Don't expect an apology from the OW for what she has done. You are dealing with someone who is deceiving her own H as well as the wife of the man with whom she is carrying on an affair. Not exactly someone who is responsible and reasonable.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 9/1/2013 09:14 AM

I would say probably yes.

But, in my case, I am still wrestling with this. for one thing, last known contact i have is from june and its now sept...I think it may be " too long ago" ? secondly, although i have some phone records where she dialed H, all of the emails I copied were of H to her--I have none of her to H. thirdly, I fear and know that ow would immediately call from an anonymous # or email etc my H and then they would get entangled again. I guess i don't see how contacting ow H would STOP it...she obviously didn't care about him then to stop so why would she now...? The only benefit I see is that her H would probably divorce her, and their child wouldn't have a dad. They had a rocky relationship the whole past 16 years of her playing games with him and this would most likely send them to divorce.

and then lastly, I fear he may come after my H with a vengence... we have kids, I would prefer them not to know, I fear what implications may come from him.

solus sto posted 9/1/2013 10:48 AM

Yes. But do it compassionately. Like you, he was betrayed. He may have suspicions (in which case, confirmation can be sanity-saving, if he's being gaslighted), or it might be a shock.

Either way, he has the right to know the truth of his relationship so that he can make informed decisions moving forward. And he needs to be tested for STDs.

Saleschick posted 9/4/2013 00:19 AM

Well, one of my issues which I failed to mention is my SO was having an affair with his EMPLOYEE who works for him in a small business. One of the concerns I had was her suing or pretending to sue if she got backed into a corner. I had settlement on the house today and my Significant other is now off of the deed.
I guess I wanted to secure my financial future and since we are totally split, I guess maybe I feel like it would be just for revenge now. In real life, only a couple people are encouraging me to track down the OWs husband. Most people tell me I have so much to offer and why waste time on people who are lesser than me and will not end up being happy anyway. One friend said it is not productive to let the OW "rent space in my head". He says move on and start having a fabulous life without all the lies and deceptions.