I can't say what you should do but I can tell you what I did and how that didn't work for me.
I was told by SI members to contact. I decided that I wouldn't because I thought "my" situation was different to others. hah.
I wish I had right at the beginning. my bad. it would have stopped the affair starting up again.
but you have to decide for yourself.
good luck
((saleschick))
things that happen in my life do not define who I am. I get to choose to be the best I can be, for me. cause I'm worth it.
Yes yes yes
my experience was not very successful, I would recommend doing it anonymously: no-one advised that one to me.
Never ever underestimate how easy and stress relieving being anonymous is.
I had a lot of difficulty in the beginning when I was thinking of contacting him. I was worried that I was motivated out of hatred and revenge, and yes, I was when it came to her/whore/married OW. But when it came to informing her spouse, I was nothing but understanding and compassionate. Imagine yourself as the BS who is still in the dark, not as the revenge figure.
Besides, a little justice is good for everyone. Best wishes to you.
IF you end up D'ing, it's not because you told and if you're told that by a WS, it's bullshit quite frankly.
Other side of coin of telling is that it does wake up a WS.
I wish I would've done more in the beginning. I think I would've still ended up divorced, but I would feel better about how I handled things.
(her BH did contact me, I was glad he did. I didn't contact him first because I was told they were D'd. They weren't.)
There was no way I was going to become an enabler for their dirty little secret
The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed
You must definitely tell the affiar partner's faithful spouse. They has every right to know "whats going on in their marriage" When my WW said she felt stalked on my confrontation day with her, I responded with "So you dont think I have any right to know whats going on in my marriage becasue I do think i have every right to know what's going on my my marriage?.. she didnt say one word..that stops them in their tracks.
If was my friends @ SI that continued to prompt me to tell my wayward wife's affair partner's faithful wife. and to this day i cannot say thank you enough for that support.
I called AP's wife on the phone (turned off my caller ID on my cell) and called almost 20 times in one day and she finally answered. I then identified myself, and told her that her husband and my wife were having an affair, and her response was "it doesnt suprise me". calmly too
To this day she thanks me over and over for making that call. She attributs my support to her of trying to repair her marriage in fact she told her wayward husband on several occasions, if it wasnt for me she would have "D" him.
We continued to stay in contact for months watching our wayward's every move until the real NC occurred in July 2012. We do talk occasionally just to see how things are going.
Thats how we knew that NC had not occurred becasue we stayed in contact.
NC did eventually occur (intiated by my WW) and we both are working on our marriages.
Affairs thrive in secrecy, breaking that secrecy will usually stop the affair. AP caved in immediately, confessed everything to his faithful wife and threw my WW under the bus, my WW was empotionally involved (just like the books say)and it took longer for her to come out of the "fog".
I am sending you strength to advise the AP's faithful spouse becasue they have every right to know whats going on in their marriage and get thru this mess your broken wayward spouse got your family into
I also sent AP's wife several books from amazon. "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass is one of the best as is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair?"
me: 58 her WW- 57 7 yr LTA (PA & EA-maybe 10yrs?) with her former boss one d-24 yrs old married 25 yrs in "R" and its been roller-coaster D-day 3-13-12 confronted 6 wks later Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly its a long road....and painful
edited for spelling
[This message edited by hurtsobadinside at 8:46 AM, September 1st (Sunday)]
Tell the BS. If not for yourself and your relationship, for the BS and their sanity.
However, do not set yourself up for disappointment as far as the other things go.
Don't expect a thank you from the spouse you inform.
Don't expect an apology from the OW for what she has done. You are dealing with someone who is deceiving her own H as well as the wife of the man with whom she is carrying on an affair. Not exactly someone who is responsible and reasonable.
But, in my case, I am still wrestling with this. for one thing, last known contact i have is from june and its now sept...I think it may be " too long ago" ? secondly, although i have some phone records where she dialed H, all of the emails I copied were of H to her--I have none of her to H. thirdly, I fear and know that ow would immediately call from an anonymous # or email etc my H and then they would get entangled again. I guess i don't see how contacting ow H would STOP it...she obviously didn't care about him then to stop so why would she now...? The only benefit I see is that her H would probably divorce her, and their child wouldn't have a dad. They had a rocky relationship the whole past 16 years of her playing games with him and this would most likely send them to divorce.
and then lastly, I fear he may come after my H with a vengence... we have kids, I would prefer them not to know, I fear what implications may come from him.
Either way, he has the right to know the truth of his relationship so that he can make informed decisions moving forward. And he needs to be tested for STDs.
