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Our HMO will cover IC & MC, but I know both personally and socially A LOT of people working there from my grad school & internships. It makes me really uncomfortable & vulnerable. I decided I really loved teaching h.s. so went back to it, rather establishing myself as an MFCC therapist. I'm open to suggestions about counseling with an eye to our very limited budget for therapy.

This part may be grossly too much info, so feel free to stop reading now. I have really not been able to share this with anyone, not even my BFF, because it disparages my husband who cannot help his lack of ... size...and his lack of ability to reliably have sex even with pharmaceuticals. As a selfish lover, he thinks the sex is great because *he* got off.

I'm nervous that he will want sex again, although he hasn't asked for it or made any moves since March.

Sex with him is disgusting to me, I grit my teeth and count to 3 or so strokes and he's done--during the rare times he can avoid his PE or ED--most success is my giving him a hand job.

I don't like giving him a handjob, or having penetrative sex with him (I was so squished by his weight that I thought I was going to vomit from the compression--and he would never be able to penetrate in any other position), I don't enjoy it, I had done without it for 25+ years, and while we "revisited" sex a week or so after my discovering his betrayal, it was the same unsatisfactory experience. He has a fantasy about my kneeling on the bed and he stands and does it doggy style. I have to say it--for how tall and broad he is, his penis is 4 inches when erect & that will never achieve penetration with his extra poundage sticking out in front, his gut sticking out much farther than his penis IF he gets an erection!

I'm sure during my years of marital celibacy that he masturbated. Even before I found out about his betrayal, I was fine with not having sex & I thought he was too (refer to my initial post on this forum for info).

Is it wrong to not want to have sex again, especially with an unsatisfactory partner who happens to be your spouse? Is there any way to get around having sex (yes, I'm anticipating once in a blue moon he may want it and approach me) or do I just close my eyes, grit my teeth, and think of England? (I think that's the old saying).

Hope2B ..... ..... with a better attitude

[This message edited by Hope2B at 2:21 AM, September 1st (Sunday)]

computer fart

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:30 AM, September 1st (Sunday)]

I was pretty much in the same shoes as you but my WH was in that category of people who couldn't finish..He would blame his inability to get off and finish on me, no matter what I did to try to please him..He is also very overweight with a gut that sticks out a mile...As you mentioned, being squished was an issue, I hated having to be squished this way and that for the better part of 45 minutes until he finished or gave up..
The bottom line is that these un remorseful WH's believe that they are God's gift to the world of sex and they are so very selfish..They believe any problem that they may have experienced during sex is all on the partner and not them..
Part of the reason sex is so distasteful with them is that they leave us feeling like there is no pleasing them and nothing we do is ever enough

Well hell, I wouldn't want to have sex with him either. It sounds like on your part, it's Close Your Eyes And Think of England. You certainly don't seem to get anything from it not closeness, not hugs and cuddling, nothing even resembling an O. It seems like he treats you like an alternative to his fist. (sorry for the crudity, I'm just SO pissed off for you!). I wouldn't touch a person like that with a 20' pole!

He's not a selfish lover. There doesn't seem to be a lot of love involved in him getting himself off and leaving you in the lurch. He's just plain selfish. (((hugs)))

Hope2B,
I can relate to several of your comments. While I do not have the exact issues, there are similar issues. We have resolved some through mutual weight loss, but more importantly we have reconnected. I would personally recommend that it this is going to be an issue to go to a sexual counselor and resolve. This will not be easy, and will be painful. In some ways I believe we need one as I am still not where we were pre A. I hate that we had just developed a great Sex life pre A and he totally destroyed it. I am back to square one in allowing the level of intimacy needed.

The sex counselor could be helpful. Good luck!