Our HMO will cover IC & MC, but I know both personally and socially A LOT
of people working there from my grad school & internships. It makes me really uncomfortable & vulnerable. I decided I really loved teaching h.s. so went back to it, rather establishing myself as an MFCC therapist. I'm open to suggestions about counseling with an eye to our very limited budget for therapy.
This part may be grossly too much info, so feel free to stop reading now. I have really not been able to share this with anyone, not even my BFF, because it disparages my husband who cannot help his lack of ... size...and his lack of ability to reliably have sex even with pharmaceuticals. As a selfish lover, he thinks the sex is great because *he* got off.
I'm nervous that he will want sex again, although he hasn't asked for it or made any moves since March.
Sex with him is disgusting to me, I grit my teeth and count to 3 or so strokes and he's done--during the rare times he can avoid his PE or ED--most success is my giving him a hand job.
I don't like giving him a handjob, or having penetrative sex with him (I was so squished by his weight that I thought I was going to vomit from the compression--and he would never be able to penetrate in any other position), I don't enjoy it, I had done without it for 25+ years, and while we "revisited" sex a week or so after my discovering his betrayal, it was the same unsatisfactory experience. He has a fantasy about my kneeling on the bed and he stands and does it doggy style. I have to say it--for how tall and broad he is, his penis is 4 inches when erect & that will never achieve penetration with his extra poundage sticking out in front, his gut sticking out much farther than his penis IF he gets an erection!
I'm sure during my years of marital celibacy that he masturbated. Even before I found out about his betrayal, I was fine with not having sex & I thought he was too (refer to my initial post on this forum for info).
Is it wrong to not want to have sex again, especially with an unsatisfactory partner who happens to be your spouse? Is there any way to get around having sex (yes, I'm anticipating once in a blue moon he may want it and approach me) or do I just close my eyes, grit my teeth, and think of England? (I think that's the old saying).
Hope2B ..... ..... with a better attitude
[This message edited by Hope2B at 2:21 AM, September 1st (Sunday)]