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He doesn't remember

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Doubts posted 9/1/2013 06:43 AM

WH conveniently can't seem to remember any details about his A. It makes our conversations about the A very short. I can't seem to understand anything. How could you go from coffee one day to refilling Viagra Rx the next day and say you were just friends? How could you do this to me after 31+ years? You fell in love with her, you chased her, I read the one letter I could find since you deleted everything else(over and over ad nauseum). It's over, forget about it and move on. HOW DO WE GET WH TO REMEMBER ANYTHING TO HELP US UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED SO WE CAN UNDERSTAND AND MOVE ON?

devasted30 posted 9/1/2013 06:47 AM

I doubt that he doesn't really remember. It's probably that he doesn't feel comfortable talking about it with you...not wanting to hurt you further etc. It's hard to say when he'll tell you - if he'll tell you at all. Have you started counselling yet? Maybe the therapist can convince him that these are the things you NEED to know to heal.

hard_yards posted 9/1/2013 06:57 AM

Hi Doubts, sorry you find yourself here honey.

Of course he remembers.... he just doesn't want to deal with the fallout from you knowing too.

He remembers, unless he has some sort of major brain dysfunction, he remembers...

In the healing library (in the box, top left hand corner of the page) you'll find Joseph's letter... cut and paste it, change it to suit your circumstances and then give it to him.

If it was me, I'd then do a hard 180, (also in the healing library) and get myself stronger and better able to deal with this nightmare you find yourself in.

Together, they might just get through to him.

hugs honey.

hard_yards posted 9/1/2013 06:58 AM

double post, now how did that happen...

[This message edited by hard_yards at 2:33 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]

jb3199 posted 9/1/2013 07:08 AM

He remembers. He absolutely remembers.

And you need to show him that you will not let this go away. It is not even trickle truth---it is outright lying---and it is a guaranteed method destroying what is left of your marriage.


I will go on the assumption that you are not willing to forget about it and move on. If you do, then neither of you will have a chance to emotionally reconnect in your marriage. The hardest thing for you to do at this point, especially after 31 years of marriage, is to start to emotionally detach from your WH. Push aside fear, and realize that divorce isn't just a word used like a threat, but a very possible reality. The sooner that you are willing to walk away from your marriage due to an unremorseful partner, which is exactly what he is, the better the chance of jarring him back to reality. The phrase that you must be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it is often used on this site, but it is extremely accurate. When you are willing to walk away, then your choice to stay is just that....your choice. Not driven by any other motivators than your conscious decision to reengage in your marriage.

As for him, he has the same choices as you, to stay in the marriage or not. But his efforts to stay in the marriage, and to regain your trust are much more daunting. He not only needs to find out why he betrayed you, he needs to find out why he betrayed himself. But that is his mess to clean up, and you can't help him. All you can do is offer the gift of being willing to try to make the marriage succeed.

painpaingoaway posted 9/1/2013 07:20 AM

Oh yes, the 'I don't remember' excuse. What fun. Isn't it amazing what they can remember when it benefits them and what they can't remember if they think it will hurt them?

A 'fun' exercise is to think of some things that occurred on or around the time of the A, for instance, the two of you went to see a play, and you are trying to remember and discuss something about the plot. Start a conversation about that, and 'see' what he remembers. Do it calmly, and do it several different times about several different scenarios. Make note of his responses.

I absolutely detest the whole 'I don't remember' reply. It really really pisses me off. I've never had an A, but I would think that if I had, I would remember every.single.thing.

However, I suppose that it is possible that male WS may remember things differently than female WS, since, I would imagine in the case of the male WS it's more a case of 'big brain vs little brain' rather than 'left brain vs right brain'. More research needed on 'little brain' memory, LOL!

Sweetie, all you can do is demand answers, or a poly, or hypnosis, as part of the requirements for R, and even then you may still not get the answers you are looking for. But I would imagine his willingness to participate in any of the above would be a strong indicator of his desire to help you heal, and find the answers.


painpaingoaway posted 9/1/2013 07:27 AM

^^^^jb nailed it:The sooner that you are willing to walk away from your marriage due to an unremorseful partner, which is exactly what he is, the better the chance of jarring him back to reality. no truer words ever spoken. That 'detactment' gives you incredible power in this situation. When I reached that point (and I did almost immediately, saw a lawyer, and moved out) it scared the shit out of FWH, and he 'regained' some memory, haha.

Look into the 180, and follow it to a T, and you too will gain some strength. Seriously, it WORKS!

Best of luck to you.

jjct posted 9/1/2013 08:34 AM

jb definitely nailed it.
What to do?
Take care of healing yourself now.
Your healing is your healing, and is not dependent on an unremorseful, rugsweeping liar.

THE single best tool for your healing is the 180.

Live it. OWN it.

Warninglight posted 9/1/2013 13:35 PM

Oh please. He is not telling. He rememers with a smile on his face whenyou are not around.

Gr8Lady posted 9/1/2013 16:44 PM

Oh he SO remembers...and the longer it takes for him to "get it" and have remorse the more resentment you will build.
Take good care of yourself, the members here understand the pain.

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