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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: Don't think I am a fan of MC...
brokensmile322
♀ 35758
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So yesterday we had our first appointment with a new MC. We haven't been to one since last November.

This one said some goood things, but I really noticed his validating both of our feelings during the appointment. Which I guess he should.

Problem, we both heard what we wanted to hear from him and as you can imagine they did not coincide at all.

I am losing hope. We are supposed to go back for second appointment on Friday but, frankly, I am thinking of canceling, at least on my part.

I think WH really wants this MC to state that I am bat shit crazy. Of course I know this person will not; however, once the MC validates something for my WS and his feelings, that is what he will run with.

You know, people always talk about finding a good therapist. It is really hard to do. Not only does a good therapist matter, it also matters how good of an effort both WS and BS bring to the session.

I don't think I am interested in having what we talk about used against me.

Beginning to think about D/S.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1611 | Registered: Jun 2012
musiclovingmom
♀ 38207
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, personally, am not a fan of counselors. I've been to a few in my life. I always told them what they wanted to hear or what I thought they needed to hear and I've never had one call me out on it. Realized that this is an issue for me and became very introspective. Drives my H crazy sometimes because I think through the tiny details of everything and always question why or how. I know we wouldn't flourish in MC, because I would tell the C what I wanted them to hear even if it wasn't total truth.

Posts: 1172 | Registered: Jan 2013
HardenMyHeart
♂ 15902
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC works best if you keep an open mind. If the MC opens up by bashing one spouse and completely agreeing with the other, than the bashed spouse will immediately put up walls. Try to keep in mind that MC is about improving the marriage, not necessarily be the judge of who is right or wrong.

I don't think I am interested in having what we talk about used against me.

Reread your SI tag line (It's a great quote and I used the same tag line for awhile). For MC to work, you have to be open to change.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 5:26 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5758 | Registered: Aug 2007
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the process of changing MC here. I do believe they help. I also realize they are human...so they make mistakes too.

I go into their office like I do a MD....realizing I am paying good money and taking time off from work....so make it count! I express brutally honest issues within me that are nothing to be proud off and diffenatly added to a less then perfect marriage. So I think this is why it has helped me......the pain of same is greater then the pain of change....and I desire to change because the pain of remaining the same is almost intolerable.

I will say this....if I had it to do again we would spend considerable time just in IC....and pick up MC at a later date.

Much time and money was wasted as my wife said what I and the MC wanted to hear....meanwhile her A went from EA to PA while we did weekly MC sessions. Sigh

Perhaps you might consider IC first....might be less tempted to hold back without husband there?

Having said all that....I am not sure I am too far off where you are at with my M. However, I am maturing in many ways that I would not be had it not been for counseling.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you're concerned about how your H interprets what the MC says, ask him to talk about what he heard in the session. That way the MC can adjust as appropriate.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
brokensmile322
♀ 35758
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for the input.

I am beyond frustrated. I know my WH is as well.

The MC listened to our story of what happened. Then he had us do a few simple exercises to see if we were on the same page. IOW, if we had anything to salvage.

He basically said that this is a tattoo. It is with us forever. He said you will drive by my office and you will think about this time and your time spent here with me. It is a part of your story now.

He said that he can help us to work to take this and to be able to eventually put it in a box, tie it with a bow, and place it on a shelf. That if MC is successful, we will be able to bring the box down, look through it and put it away again. It shouldn't spark the intense feelings anymore because we will have worked through them and healed them.

What does my WH hear from that? He hears that I should put this in a box and put it on a shelf?

He also said that trust is gone. It is a core foundation to any relationship. Not to despair because what has been destroyed is what is called 'romantic trust'. It is the trust we have and feel blindly when we are in love. Often, it can be a false sense of trust.

MC said that we will, if successful, move to a stage of 'therapeutic trust'. It is a recommittment to the M and the relationship, but with eyes wide open. We are not here yet. We are not ready to be here yet. He said that it is trust that is not disillusioned the way romantic trust is....

He said 90% of couples this happens to for different reasons.

My WH hears that 90% of couples lose this type of trust so it was bound to happen anyway. WH didn't say this precisely, but this is the gist of what he was saying.

The MC also touched on triggers a bit. He said that this event has the ability to make or break our good times. He said imagine you are going to dinner, you are celebrating, you are all dressed up, at a fancy restaurant, very excited for the night. You sit down to dinner, next thing the waitress comes over and says, " Hi, my name is OW's name. I will be your server."

^^He said this single act has the ability to make or break your evening. How you react to it and what you do with it because this is a tattoo afterall. There are emotional responses we have to it. He said he will teach us how to deal with it and how to put it in that box eventually. I was hopeful because sounds like MC gets infidelity at least a little bit.

Anyway, when we were relaying what happened with OW, the 'story' sounded so much worse now. So driving home, I asked him if he felt worse when he hears it now. (Remember, he only cops to a friendship where he talked to her too much. Doesn't really buy the EA aspect.)
He said, "No." It really was not that big of a deal....I (me) have made it into something bigger than it was.

No words. I have no words,,,,

I was feeling much better about MC when we stepped outside the door. Agreed to another visit and to do the homework until I realized what HE HEARD.

And when I realize that we could view what was said so differently, I realize that perhaps we viewed out entire M differently as well. I think I wrongly assumed that we were on the same page all these years.

Don't know what to do. For the record, I am in IC. It is helping tremendously. I am making strides I didn't think possible. I have realized that there are alot of FOO issues for me tied to what happened with feeling safe and betrayal. My IC has helped me finally take a stand with some of those things and she has helped me see how my FOO really influenced how I reacted and viewed this EA.

So, our homework... is to come up with 10 words for me and 10 words for my husband. They are to describe us and can be good or bad.

He said he will use the words to help us . Help us change how we see these words...rework them. This will happen in a three stage process. The third stage being the healing part....

^^Trying to think about what to say about my WH.

And I realized that I can't come up with 10 words. Most of the words I would have used pre A, I don't believe right now about him. It is kinda like when we all describe going to the card store for a card for our WS's and none of them seem to fit because they are too mushy or wonderful. That is how I feel.

Then I think, well these words are kind of true about my WH (Loyal, dependable, etc...). They are true with everyone else but me. I have always thought that he treats me differently than he treats other people.

How flipping sad is that???

Should I go?

(Thank you too for pointing out that I need to be open to MC. I am not sure I am. This is one thing my WH says. He thinks I may hear that he is doing all he can be. He says if there is more he can do, he will, but he thinks my fear is that I will be told I need to step up and change a few things. Out first MC said so...although he was not good. My IC has also somewhat said this to me. She really thinks WH was on this slope with OW and did not realize it or what the impact of it would be on me. She's told me that I have great power based on the things that WS has done. I have not told WH this stuff she has said. Maybe I am afraid to hear in front of my WH that there really is nothing more he can do. )

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 6:50 AM, September 2nd (Monday)]


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1611 | Registered: Jun 2012
devasted30
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi - I agree with Sisoon, talk to your therapist about your first session and how it was heard through your ears and your husbands ears. Continue going and asking questions when you think it might be a confusing issue. I have interpret what he said exactly the way you took it but, possibly, there is a 3rd interpretation too???? Hang in there - it does work as you know from your IC. Good Luck.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1434 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW, although I don't use the same metaphor your MC does, your MC sounds so far like he's got his head on straight.

Off the top of my head, I recommend going to your next session and talking about your conflicts with your H's conclusions (that you need to put your feelings in a box and that the trust was bound to go anyway).

Also, I think you need to resolve the conflict between you and your H WRT whether or not he had an A. There can't be an R if he doesn't acknowledge what he's done.

Of course you can come up with 10 words. You could, for example, write down the first 10 words about your H that come into your mind. Fear could keep that from happening, but this is not a time to be afraid of your own thoughts. Among other things, they're your own thoughts, whether you accept them or not. Remember - what you think now will change. You won't be stuck forever with this week's thoughts/beliefs/opinions about your H.

Whether or not your H does all he can to heal himself and your M is only one aspect of the sitch, and it's really irrelevant to R and to M. Much more important is whether or not what he can and does do is enough for you.

My bet is that you won't ask for anything unreasonable, when it gets to the nitty-gritty, so he'll be able to do what you ask. Whether he'll deliver or not is a different matter - he sounds pretty weak now, and he sounds happy to be weak. You, OTOH, seem to be gaining strength.

Hang in. Be yourself.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aaahhhh to be sisoon.....read and listen to his posts...he has good wisdom throughout.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
heforgotme
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, I think your MC sounds pretty centered. It doesn't seem like he said the wrong things, but that your WH twisted what he did say around to suit him. I would discuss these interpretations at your next session.

The bigger issue I think is that your WH doesn't seem to think he had an A. He doesn't sound very remorseful and that's why. How can he really be remorseful for something he doesn't even think he did in the first place. I think this is the most important point to clarify with your MC.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1091 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
brokensmile322
♀ 35758
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As always, I just love what you guys have to say and how you make me think...

I think I will go to MC and will express what I have written here. Hopefully, it will get us somewhere. Since posting this, we have talked about it again. My WH has said that he didn't mean I needed to put it in a box, yes he heard that we need to work through it, he just thinks I need to do something as well to be able to put it in that box.

Don't know if talking about it helped or hurt, but I think I will get it out just the same. I also like Sisoons idea of having us both repeating back to the MC what we heard. I only hope that my WH's doing that will actually help. He seems to vacillate back and forth between what he did being an EA and that it was not at all. Makes me think that he says what is expected of him but that he does not really get it. And I agree with whoever said that WH needs to get it in order to be sorry for it and in order to heal it.

So this...

Also, I think you need to resolve the conflict between you and your H WRT whether or not he had an A. There can't be an R if he doesn't acknowledge what he's done.

and this...

The bigger issue I think is that your WH doesn't seem to think he had an A. He doesn't sound very remorseful and that's why. How can he really be remorseful for something he doesn't even think he did in the first place. I think this is the most important point to clarify with your MC.

are all very big sticking points for me. I actually think this is why I can't begin the process of moving on. I really don't believe that my WH believes it himself, if that makes any sense.

My IC has asked me why the distinction, the saying it was an EA, is important to me. She said that I seem to be stuck on what we call what he did. She said "Let's say what happened, what your WH did was a 'plip'. Does it matter that we call it a plip if we can all agree about what actually happened?

And I said I guess there is the real problem... what if we don't agree with what actually happened?

I really believe it was more. Today, I actually asked my WH to tell me it was. I told him that I would heal better if he did.

^^This sounds crazy but the truth is.... I would get it then. It would make sense to me then. I really do think I could move on....


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1611 | Registered: Jun 2012
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think WH really wants this MC to state that I am bat shit crazy.

Isn't that one of the effects of infidelity?

Our first MC before I had all the truth was dreadful. My WH lied through his teeth, I cried about how my gut was screaming that there was more (and there was it was a EA/PA), and her and my WH both agreed that I needed medical help.

I haven't been back since. I made IC a requirement for WH which lasted 2 months and I have been in IC since pre-A and post A.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:33 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 12

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