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and on the mother issue...

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inconnu posted 9/1/2013 09:06 AM

This is really just a whine, or a vent, or a whatever you want to call it.

I took on "mom duty" this weekend to give my sister a break. I had planned on doing all the usual stuff (taking her grocery shopping, etc), but I also wanted to take care of some banking issues while I was there. It wasn't a huge deal, I didn't think. My mom had set up bank accounts for my kids years ago, and just like we did when older son turned 18, we needed to change over younger son's account from a for minor.

I'm trying to be compassionate and patient, but I swear it's like dealing with a 3 year old.

The bank closed at 2pm on Saturday. We get there at 1:50. Because, despite me calling her over an hour in advance, asking her to be ready, she wasn't.

I guess I should be glad she was at least dressed.

The entire time we're at the bank, she's insinuating that my son now has more money than she does, and that he should let her keep the money. Then she'd say "just joking."

Okay, I get that she's a bit obsessed about money and she's worried about whether she's going to have enough. I get that. It is a legitimate concern for an elderly woman.

But this passive/aggressive, victim mentality bullshit is driving me up the wall.

Oh, and it gets better. Since she didn't want to put on shoes (she announced she'd be going to the bank in her slippers) we didn't go grocery shopping. I told her we'd take her back to her apartment and my son, and I would go back out shopping if we needed to.

We get back to her apartment, and she immediately curls up on her bed, like she's exhausted. All she wants is for us to go check her mail for her, because she's too tired to walk down to the mailbox.

So son and I do that, and when we get back with her mail, there she is, sitting up, reading the newspaper.

I really am struggling to find compassion for her. All I'm seeing is her passive/aggressive, manipulative, I'm a victim behavior, and it pisses me off.

I don't want to deal with her. I don't particularly like her. I've been dealing with her alcoholic crap for over 30 years, and I'm just...done.

Except, my sister has been bearing most of this burden, and I feel incredibly guilty that I'm not helping my sister more.

And that's why I'm just venting. There's not really any way to change anything. The next changes will come when we have to put my mom into a nursing home. We're not there yet. My sister is hoping to stretch out this "independent living" stage of mom's life as long as possible. It is easier on my sister, for now. And honestly, with the alcoholism, it's going to be really damned ugly when we have to put her in a nursing home.

Sometimes, I feel like a horrible daughter.

lieshurt posted 9/1/2013 09:25 AM

Sometimes, I feel like a horrible daughter.

(((inconnu)))

You aren't a horrible daughter at all. You're frustrated which is perfectly normal given what you are dealing with and I'm so sorry you are having to deal with it.

inconnu posted 9/1/2013 11:01 AM

thanks, sweetie.

jjct posted 9/1/2013 11:06 AM

(((inconnu)))

FaithFool posted 9/1/2013 11:19 AM

This is really difficult, I feel for you.

Is there some reason your sis has the first position of responsibility?

Can you spell each other off more often?

I was the only one available and my mom was a sweetie, but it was still draining. I had no weekend time to myself for a long time and no sibs in town to help out.

They only came for emergencies.

inconnu posted 9/1/2013 11:26 AM

ff, my sister lives closer to mom. She's less than 15 minutes away while I'm across town. It's 40 minutes for me, on a good day. We also started having the mom issues while I was going through the divorce, so my sister really didn't have a choice. I just couldn't deal with anything else, kwim?

Now that things are more stable for me personally, I am trying to take some of the burden off my sister. I'm just not really good at it. My mom frustrates me, and I don't have the patience I feel I should with her. I just don't deal with her victim mentality well, at all.

FaithFool posted 9/1/2013 11:32 AM

You have to practice attaining a non-reactive state. It's the only way to deal.

If you take everything she does personally then she wins...

sharim posted 9/2/2013 09:33 AM

You have to practice attaining a non-reactive state. It's the only way to deal

Ditto on this. It is exactly what I was thinking as I was reading the posts. You have to detach a bit - go through the motions of what needs to be done - feel good that you are helping your sister - and try to find humor in your mother's behavior (I know that part can be difficult when you are so close to it).

inconnu posted 9/2/2013 10:18 AM

I did much better with the detaching, and being able to go to the "pretend she's a toddler and act accordingly" place last year. But now I'm just way more stressed about stuff in my own life, and I can't seem to get to that place I need to be in, in order to deal effectively with my mom.

nowiknow23 posted 9/2/2013 12:32 PM

((((inconnu)))) This stuff is hard. Really - there's no way through it that isn't wrought with emotion and stress.

Sending you strength, honey.

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