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TrustedHer posted 9/1/2013 11:01 AM

During my pity-party days early in my divorce, I used to relate my situation with the death of a spouse, and I'd compare the two.

When you divorce due to infidelity, you lose your best friend, your companion, your future dreams, and half or more of your stuff. Some people support you, some blame you, and you're pretty much alone. The evil pod person occupying your spouse's body remains in your life. There is closure, but it's up to you to find it and define it.

When your spouse dies, you lose your best friend, your companion, and your dreams of the future. You don't lose "stuff". People and organizations come out of the woodwork to support you. Closure is there for the taking, depending on your religious and philosophical views.

They bring casseroles.

I wanted my casseroles. I wanted the closure. I wanted to lose the stress over my "stuff".

I've gotten over all that; time well spent plus therapy have worked wonders.

This morning, I got awakened by a phone call from an old high school friend. His wife died last night, suddenly and unexpectedly. On his birthday.

I used to be envious of widowers. Not today.

tryingagain74 posted 9/1/2013 11:11 AM

That's really sad. I'm sorry for your friend.

(((TH and friend)))

nowiknow23 posted 9/1/2013 11:20 AM

I'm so sorry, TH.

Williesmom posted 9/1/2013 11:26 AM

I'm sorry.. ((Th))

mof2 posted 9/1/2013 11:31 AM

UGH....(((((TH))))))

gma56 posted 9/1/2013 11:42 AM

That really does put it all in perspective doesn't it ?

Death is inevitable and sometimes comes too soon but divorce due to infidelity was caused by choices.

I know of several that have lost their spouses too soon and not one of them have insecurities from feeling inadequate, trust issues in themselves or others. With death, people will be there for the surviving spouse but for divorce, because of infidelity, many people are afraid it might be catching.
Both scenarios can be a very lonely journey but a widow or widower doesn't get blamed or judged for the death.
Hugs to your friend their family and friends.
I've lost two best friends in their early 50s and the void is huge for their families and friends.

ETA: As K9 said it is just different kind of hell.

[This message edited by gma56 at 11:52 AM, September 1st (Sunday)]

k94ever posted 9/1/2013 11:46 AM

TH...please don't EVER envy us (widow/widowers).

In our case we never got the chance to decide to end the relationship. We will never get answers to questions. We are left to clean up and end another person's life by having to tell people over and over again someone died. And many times having to prove it with a stupid piece of paper that SAYS they died. We are left having to clean out closets, dressers, desks and deciding what needs to be kept, what gets thrown away and what gets donated. And out of the blue one day you are walking down the street and from behind you "think" you see your spouse ahead of you, but in reality it's just someone who looks or dresses the way they used to.

With a divorce, even if you loath your X with every atom of your being...they are still in this world.

With a death, they are just....gone.

Please don't ever envy us. This is just another form of hell.

k9

PurpleRose posted 9/1/2013 11:49 AM

I'm sorry for your friends loss. It's got to be difficult to deal with the death of your loving spouse.

I had a serious discussion with my inner circle about this exact scenario last year after a friend's husband got cancer and we all rallied behind her with dinner chains and kid watching for her. In my case, when the doosh finally left no one knew what to do or say, so they did nothing. At least I was fully capable of fending for myself at that point and ready for him to be gone.

It was worse the first time he left - I lost 35lbs, my kids had a walking zombie for a mom, the house was a wreck and they were fending for themselves a lot.

It really hurt my feelings. But now they know, and the next friend will benefit from my openness. I know it's been talked about here in general too.

Some days I still wonder if becoming a widow would have been "easier" than dealing with the mindfuck that comes from an unremorseful wayward spouse though.

kernel posted 9/1/2013 14:07 PM

k9, I don't envy those who lost a spouse/partner to death. I think it's incredibly painful no matter the circumstances. It ALL sucks. However, in many ways, my situation was very similar to a death.

In our case we never got the chance to decide to end the relationship. We will never get answers to questions. We are left to clean up and end another person's life by having to tell people over and over again someone died. And many times having to prove it with a stupid piece of paper that SAYS they died. We are left having to clean out closets, dressers, desks and deciding what needs to be kept, what gets thrown away and what gets donated.

Substitute a few words here and there, and this is EXACTLY what I went through when X abandoned me, our home and our marriage. I had to do every bit of that, including having to prove things with a stupid piece of paper. It actually would have been easier if he had died - at least I would have gotten insurance. Instead, I got all the sideways looks, and whispered comments they thought I didn't see or hear, as if I somehow brought it all on myself.

Sorry for the pity-party. Obviously, I still resent the circumstances of my divorce. Taking a deep breath and off to make a pie.

Sorry for your friend, TH.

[This message edited by kernel at 2:24 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]

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