I HAVE gotten the “why(s).” I have NOT gotten the “what(s).”
I understand that most people would certainly applaud his massive efforts and his figuring out the “why(s).” I do. I respect that he dragged himself through hell to uncover what drove him to be the awful person that he was (his words, not mine) that did the awful things he did. The reason he is still here is because he has been working on the why(s) and, as far as I know, has not acted out since I discovered his secret life on d-day1 June 2011.
Last night he actually answered a couple of my “what” questions about his one “admitted” PA. In full detail. As if he had not “forgotten” ever. Now, I’m not stupid, I never bought the “I don’t remember” shit. But, I did buy the “certified” professionals and multiple others when they said, “maybe he doesn’t remember” or “he is so ashamed he just needs time to work it out.” So, this morning I asked him why-since he clearly “remembers” everything-he has chosen to leave me traumatized/in misery when he could have easily “fessed-up” years ago and we could have been working on “R” or going our separate ways, whichever the case may be. His response (he got the same soul-less look on his face and in his eyes that he did when he finally admitted to PAs) was, “I might feel like stabbing myself if I talk about it.”
Now, I don’t know if there is anyone here anymore that remembers or can relate to my story (I deleted it from my profile due to privacy concerns-not with SI, but internet privacy in general), but he’s played the “I’m going to hurt myself” card many times in the past. It’s his NPD biological mother’s favorite tactic to gain sympathy and divert attention (or blame) from any real issue at hand, especially when she is the cause of the issue. I don’t doubt for a second that it IS embarrassing for him and I, for the most part, think I’ve been VERY reasonable with my responses and reactions to the horror show that I have discovered and that he has admitted. (Not perfect, I have thrown a couple snide remarks out there upon hearing some of the more ridiculous particulars of his secret life.)
I don’t feel like this is a d-day, but I do think this is a JFO (my old stomping ground) topic because it is, yet again, ANOTHER “disclosure.” What I learned last night (yes, again it was completely different from the 15+ “full disclosures” that I had received in 2011) was new information. But, more importantly, this is literal confirmation that he HAS remembered and DOES remember and is blowing me (and my pain) off for the fear that he “might” be uncomfortable about HIS actions.
“I’m working on it. I’m working on this paper for you,” he has been saying for the last two years. How long do I have to lie flailing on the ground? I asked him if he was waiting for me to die so that he wouldn’t have to actually “disclose.” I asked if it was a procrastination thing. Nope, he’s simply more concerned with his discomfort than he is with my need for the truth and ending my pain.
*And, for the record- as I have stated many times before- I need the information not because I am nosy, controlling, or want to “punish myself.” I need the information to know that he is, in fact, being honest/sincere and is capable of coming clean; that he is not keeping this “secret compartment” in a special place to return at his leisure whenever he wants. Most of all, I need him to be honest about the “what” so that I can see some glimmer of the person that I thought was my best friend, that I married, that I had children with, that I gave everything to…. Best friends don’t keep secrets. Period.
TruthorGoodbye, maybe it's time to take a look at your username and live it. This anal-retentive writing and rewriting can just stop now. He can cough up the letter or find himself another place to sleep.
“I might feel like stabbing myself if I talk about it.”
Call me nasty, but my response would be something along the lines of, don't worry dear. I know how to dial 911.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Yup, over 2 years of "working on myself" and "letting him work on himself" as per everyone's advice. Well, I feel that I have worked on myself and have finally come out of the shock/monkey-brain stage (despite the second trauma from 8 months ago) enough to where I am at the point where I need the "actual" disclosure to move forward....for myself. He knows this, hence, the TT from last night.
Update November 2013: It only took seven years but I finally turned a corner. :)
Thanks guys. Momof2: 23 years. You CAN relate! Hell, indeed! What was the final straw for you, if you don't mind me asking?
Anewday: got more TT 2 nights ago and I did exactly what you suggested. He agreed that night to hand over the paper the next day, but last night tried to weasel his way out of it. I stood firm and got the paper . It's over 150 pages and does not include the (updated) timeline because he's still working on it. I'm about 20 pages in and will read more as soon as I get the chance. Good times.
Hope this is comprehensible-hate phone typing!!!
Then, in 2010, I told him I was done. I told him he would never have to talk about it again. We would just split.
And you know what? Only then did he cough up the info. I was glad to finally hear something. To finally see him answer questions. To finally not have the feeling that the 2 of them had a private shared story.
But getting the info only when he had a gun to his head. Didn't help.
Here I am 3 years later. 8 years after the affair. Still stuck on it and on the fact that he could never be honest on his own.
So, good luck with "the report". Maybe it will give some peace but maybe not.
Why oh why can't they just be grown ups and admit what has happened.
“I’m working on it. I’m working on this paper for you,” he has been saying for the last two years. How long do I have to lie flailing on the ground?
Time to man up.
You are all so right in that this should have been finished years ago. Enough, already.