2+ years waiting for answers. 2+ years of discovering more information on my own. 2+ years of not one single answer to any question that I have had because he’s “working on an explanation paper that is now hundreds of pages long.” 2+ years of “I don’t remember,” “it was so long ago, it’s going to take me time to unravel the wires,” “I’ve changed,” “I’m a different person.”
I HAVE gotten the “why(s).” I have NOT gotten the “what(s).”
I understand that most people would certainly applaud his massive efforts and his figuring out the “why(s).” I do. I respect that he dragged himself through hell to uncover what drove him to be the awful person that he was (his words, not mine) that did the awful things he did. The reason he is still here is because he has been working on the why(s) and, as far as I know, has not acted out since I discovered his secret life on d-day1 June 2011.
Last night he actually answered a couple of my “what” questions about his one “admitted” PA. In full detail. As if he had not “forgotten” ever. Now, I’m not stupid, I never bought the “I don’t remember” shit. But, I did buy the “certified” professionals and multiple others when they said, “maybe he doesn’t remember” or “he is so ashamed he just needs time to work it out.” So, this morning I asked him why-since he clearly “remembers” everything-he has chosen to leave me traumatized/in misery when he could have easily “fessed-up” years ago and we could have been working on “R” or going our separate ways, whichever the case may be. His response (he got the same soul-less look on his face and in his eyes that he did when he finally admitted to PAs) was, “I might feel like stabbing myself if I talk about it.”
Now, I don’t know if there is anyone here anymore that remembers or can relate to my story (I deleted it from my profile due to privacy concerns-not with SI, but internet privacy in general), but he’s played the “I’m going to hurt myself” card many times in the past. It’s his NPD biological mother’s favorite tactic to gain sympathy and divert attention (or blame) from any real issue at hand, especially when she is the cause of the issue. I don’t doubt for a second that it IS embarrassing for him and I, for the most part, think I’ve been VERY reasonable with my responses and reactions to the horror show that I have discovered and that he has admitted. (Not perfect, I have thrown a couple snide remarks out there upon hearing some of the more ridiculous particulars of his secret life.)
I don’t feel like this is a d-day, but I do think this is a JFO (my old stomping ground) topic because it is, yet again, ANOTHER “disclosure.” What I learned last night (yes, again it was completely different from the 15+ “full disclosures” that I had received in 2011) was new information. But, more importantly, this is literal confirmation that he HAS remembered and DOES remember and is blowing me (and my pain) off for the fear that he “might” be uncomfortable about HIS actions.
“I’m working on it. I’m working on this paper for you,” he has been saying for the last two years. How long do I have to lie flailing on the ground? I asked him if he was waiting for me to die so that he wouldn’t have to actually “disclose.” I asked if it was a procrastination thing. Nope, he’s simply more concerned with his discomfort than he is with my need for the truth and ending my pain.
*And, for the record- as I have stated many times before- I need the information not because I am nosy, controlling, or want to “punish myself.” I need the information to know that he is, in fact, being honest/sincere and is capable of coming clean; that he is not keeping this “secret compartment” in a special place to return at his leisure whenever he wants. Most of all, I need him to be honest about the “what” so that I can see some glimmer of the person that I thought was my best friend, that I married, that I had children with, that I gave everything to…. Best friends don’t keep secrets. Period.