I could not go on the meds because of several conditions I have. I am also very prone to side affects and had been on them before, years ago.
Anyway...I am 9 months from DDay and a year and a half alone and though the pain comes every day, FWIW to share, it comes in smaller doses now. A sort of numbness has descended on me and an inability to concentrate.
Just wanted to offer a little bit different perspective and idea of possible time the pain seems to ebb and flow, rather than just flow, like in the beginning.
There is controversy about the meds for sure but I don't think it's a bad thing to take them if you need them.
An exercise that I learned to do when the pain comes, is this: I list on a paper or in my mind my day's accomplishments. It doesn't matter what time of day it is, I list things I've done so far. And SYK, this includes things that aren't chores or work-it includes NC, M or D things, too, or dealings/interactions with people and the turn out. It also includes a chore if I manage or a good interaction with DD.
It helps me feel some validation, which helps the pain and helps me see that I don't need him or another person for that-just me.
I, too, wanted him to feel the pain for a long time but I don't feel like that anymore. I will admit that I get a real kick out of hearing of his problems, but I don't wish him pain or harm anymore-I don't want to care that much and am trying to learn how to not give that kind of head room-I notice the pain comes more when thoughts of him or the A sneak in my head.
I'm sorry, sunsets.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.