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Crushing anxiety today. My counselor says to hang in without meds but I don't know how much longer I can. I can function but barely. I need support and advice. The lows are lower every day. I want to tell
Her what she's done to me. I want her to feel this pain.

((Sunset))

I'm in the same place with you today. We'll make it through. It will be ok.

((((sunsets)))) Write it out. Write out what you would tell her about what she's done to you. Describe it all - pour out the pain into words on paper or into pixels on a screen.

And then step away from it. Go for a run. Walk the dog. Grab your noodle and float in the Gulf. Go hit a punching bag or run the stairs until you can't do it any more. Get the endorphins running through your system.

If you need the meds, you need them. There's no shame in that. Many of us have been there, done that. You have to be able to take care of yourself and your responsibilities.

When my husband first left I had lost 12 lbs in a week. I went to my doctors and she wanted to put me on meds. I refused. I have never been one to want to be on meds. Then 8 weeks later I found out about his affair and lost another 10lbs. I went back to the doctor and asked for meds. The anxiety has lessened and my downs are not as down.

You do what you feel is right but meds can help get your stronger. Then eventually you come off. This isn't a life choice you are making. Just a short term help.

Thanks kg. I'm thinking of you today. I'm going to a concert tonight. Got a hotel ext to the venue. Couple beverages and some work friends.

I could not go on the meds because of several conditions I have. I am also very prone to side affects and had been on them before, years ago.

Anyway...I am 9 months from DDay and a year and a half alone and though the pain comes every day, FWIW to share, it comes in smaller doses now. A sort of numbness has descended on me and an inability to concentrate.

Just wanted to offer a little bit different perspective and idea of possible time the pain seems to ebb and flow, rather than just flow, like in the beginning.

There is controversy about the meds for sure but I don't think it's a bad thing to take them if you need them.

An exercise that I learned to do when the pain comes, is this: I list on a paper or in my mind my day's accomplishments. It doesn't matter what time of day it is, I list things I've done so far. And SYK, this includes things that aren't chores or work-it includes NC, M or D things, too, or dealings/interactions with people and the turn out. It also includes a chore if I manage or a good interaction with DD.

It helps me feel some validation, which helps the pain and helps me see that I don't need him or another person for that-just me.

I, too, wanted him to feel the pain for a long time but I don't feel like that anymore. I will admit that I get a real kick out of hearing of his problems, but I don't wish him pain or harm anymore-I don't want to care that much and am trying to learn how to not give that kind of head room-I notice the pain comes more when thoughts of him or the A sneak in my head.

I'm sorry, sunsets.

I wrote it out. I doubt I'll ever let her see it. Feels good to be out of my head and on paper.