I don't know how to live with this. God help me. Its been 3 years!
I was finally able to desensitize my thoughts about my wife and OM having sex. I'll share what helped me, but you may not like it. Instead of fighting the thoughts of the two of them together, I allowed my mind to repeatedly play out the scenario. I did this over and over and over many times. I would fast forward through the scenario and then replay it again (it becomes like watching the same episode of a bad sitcom for the 100th time). I did it so many times, I finally became bored of thinking about it. Now, if a thought about my wife and OM having sex enters in my mind, it has no emotional impact. My mind gives it a quick BTDT, and the thought is soon gone.
Not sure this will work for everyone, but it worked for me.
The other thing to think about is whether or not you are still very angry about the affair. If you don't feel safe during sex, which may be triggered out of anger, then your mind will be distracted. If this is the case, you may have to learn how to let go of the anger.
So sorry for what you are going through.
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 4:52 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]
He is trying. Its me. Its me.
You are right. Your happiness, as well as your emotional suffering are generated by your own mind. As long as you continue to blame your suffering on others and/or your circumstances, you will never find lasting peace and contentment.
I suggest reading the following book:
The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happiness by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche
This book will challenge you to think outside the box. After three years, perhaps it's time for a fresh way of looking at things.
I have done a lot of reading, done numerous counseling sessions, and have concentrated efforts on my spiritual journey....I believe all of that has my focus turned from my wife to me....and that plays a role in this.
I will say my wife is NOT the poster child for remorseful fWS. We are having sex about once every 2 weeks....so no up to where I would like it. but am adjusting...maybe the lack of sex has me more into it when it happens?
This is tough.....I am almost 1 year from DD....don't know what to offer you really.
God be with us all..
so, i brought it up in mc...and he was surprised that i said it. i told him that when we do it, i always think of them having sex and what he did to her...and it makes me really, really sad.
sooooooooooo, now when we have sex, i notice my h being way more attentive to me...telling me i am beautiful, sexy...you that kind of stuff...and how i am the only woman for him....how he only wants me forever....
at first i felt like it was fake. and maybe he was going overboard to help me heal. but i have begun to just accept what he is saying to me. i try to focus on that.
it is still really hard...but it seems to work...sometimes.
[This message edited by openedupmyeyes at 7:40 PM, September 2nd (Monday)]
My wife and I were each other firsts...were in line to be onlies...until she gave it to him.
God be with us all.
Then the next time we try something different - and it seems to be always changing. Eyes open/eyes closed. Verbal/silent. Me initiating/him initiating. We just keep trying. And sometimes we purposely don't try.
Another tip that helped me was to visualize the OW thinking about WH and I having hot amazing reconciliation sex. OW would just cry her eyes out if she knew.
Another tip that helped me was to visualize the OW thinking about WH and I having hot amazing reconciliation sex.
Funny but of all the thoughts I have had, that is not one of them. Good one, CB!
At first, when the mind movies were the worst, I would imagine OW in the corner watching us. Crying and wailing and feeling how I had felt. However, I only had to do that a few times for the movies to start to subside. Then all I had to do after that, was think "HA!HA! Look what I am doing with the "Love of Your Life". " FWH would sometimes be confused when I would actually laugh out loud whilst in the midst of it, but, it would make me laugh to think of OW's anguish if OW knew what we were doing.
It really makes sense, too. If we are haunted by mind movies, why wouldn't the AP who was dumped by and still wants your WS? The OW in our sitch has fished/stalked for 8 years, I know OW wants my FWH still.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
[This message edited by openedupmyeyes at 8:14 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)]
After all, WH has seen me at my worst----giving birth, up all night with babies, extremely stressed out, and 24 years with the same person, I am not new, exciting, & forbidden. Plus add to that the stresses of raising a family these days---the usual problems with kids,bills,housework,extended family, etc.
There were plenty of times I was angry at WH, & let him know it.
OW is a fitness instructor.
OW was always strutting around work in tight,low cut clothing, she treated WH like he was the best thing since sliced bread (his words). She is 20 yrs younger than I & has never had kids. He only saw her at her best.
How can I compete with that?
Supposedly, even tho WH claims that his PA was very short (he states it lasted 8 days), he admitted to just about the most intimate acts possible. I still can't believe this! He barely knew her.
you may have to learn how to let go of the anger.
My wife and I were each other firsts...were in line to be onlies...until she gave it to him
I hope and pray, with more time, this will get better.
[This message edited by scaredyKat at 9:11 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]