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What I tell myself when we have sex

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openedupmyeyes posted 9/1/2013 15:37 PM

Why am I here? What am I doing?
I didn't know what to do with these thoughts. I don't want to tell him that when we have sex I "always" think...."did he do this with her?" I know he did. He was trying to please her just like he is trying to please you. These acts are the subject of many emails that she sent. Asking for sex. I tell myself yes, he did. But he won't anymore. But we all know that isn't necessarily true. I don't know how to live with this. God help me. Its been 3 years!

OldCow18 posted 9/1/2013 15:41 PM

Oh man Openedup, 3 years. I'm just short of 3 months out, we had sex last night and the entire time I was thinking all the things you said. It was torturous. To get through it and enjoy it I decided to pretend HE was someone else in my head. It was the only way I could get the thoughts of HER out of my head while trying to enjoy sex with my husband after we had a decent day (finally). Nothing will ever be the same again, will it?

HardenMyHeart posted 9/1/2013 16:47 PM

I don't know how to live with this. God help me. Its been 3 years!

I was finally able to desensitize my thoughts about my wife and OM having sex. I'll share what helped me, but you may not like it. Instead of fighting the thoughts of the two of them together, I allowed my mind to repeatedly play out the scenario. I did this over and over and over many times. I would fast forward through the scenario and then replay it again (it becomes like watching the same episode of a bad sitcom for the 100th time). I did it so many times, I finally became bored of thinking about it. Now, if a thought about my wife and OM having sex enters in my mind, it has no emotional impact. My mind gives it a quick BTDT, and the thought is soon gone.

Not sure this will work for everyone, but it worked for me.

The other thing to think about is whether or not you are still very angry about the affair. If you don't feel safe during sex, which may be triggered out of anger, then your mind will be distracted. If this is the case, you may have to learn how to let go of the anger.

So sorry for what you are going through.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 4:52 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]

openedupmyeyes posted 9/1/2013 16:58 PM

For me? No, it will never be the same. Then again...I don't want what we used to have. I want the h I have now.
I am afraid to talk with him about this. I sure as hell don't want him thinking of her when we're together.
Ugh. I feel like this is something "I " must learn to live with. I. Can't. Change. This!. Its a fact. Now, I've got to figure out how to accept this and stay in the present?
There is progress being made. 3 months after dd, I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him.
Today? I woke up @ 2 am because the TV was on. The show? Cheaters!
I guess I heard the show in my sleep. Then... That's right you guys know what I dreamed about. So, I woke up. Remembered everything feeling like crap. And so it goes. He knew I was troubled, and tried to help. But... He is my trigger, and he makes me want to puke. We went for a walk. He is trying. Its me. Its me.

HardenMyHeart posted 9/1/2013 17:34 PM

He is trying. Its me. Its me.

You are right. Your happiness, as well as your emotional suffering are generated by your own mind. As long as you continue to blame your suffering on others and/or your circumstances, you will never find lasting peace and contentment.

I suggest reading the following book:
The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happiness by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche

This book will challenge you to think outside the box. After three years, perhaps it's time for a fresh way of looking at things.

openedupmyeyes posted 9/2/2013 02:22 AM

Thanks for the input Hardened, and old cow. You are right. I am still very angry that he had an affair.
To be fair to me, she has stopped reaching out to h the last 3-4 months.
I guess I'm on the 5 year plan.

blakesteele posted 9/2/2013 06:06 AM

Wife and I never experienced HB, mind movies regarding sex suck....but the last few times we have had sex the movies were hardly a factor to me....not sure exactly why.

I have done a lot of reading, done numerous counseling sessions, and have concentrated efforts on my spiritual journey....I believe all of that has my focus turned from my wife to me....and that plays a role in this.

I will say my wife is NOT the poster child for remorseful fWS. We are having sex about once every 2 no up to where I would like it. but am adjusting...maybe the lack of sex has me more into it when it happens?

This is tough.....I am almost 1 year from DD....don't know what to offer you really.

God be with us all..

sri624 posted 9/2/2013 15:57 PM

i hear ya openedup....i really do. gosh, for a long time, i didnt say anything to my h...just suffered through the mind movies...and thinking of them together. for some crazy reason, i was afraid to discuss that with he would really get discouraged, and lose hope...i mean...what could he say to make me feel better?

so, i brought it up in mc...and he was surprised that i said it. i told him that when we do it, i always think of them having sex and what he did to her...and it makes me really, really sad.

sooooooooooo, now when we have sex, i notice my h being way more attentive to me...telling me i am beautiful, that kind of stuff...and how i am the only woman for he only wants me forever....

at first i felt like it was fake. and maybe he was going overboard to help me heal. but i have begun to just accept what he is saying to me. i try to focus on that.

it is still really hard...but it seems to work...sometimes.

openedupmyeyes posted 9/2/2013 19:39 PM

The mind movies have subsided since dd. However, I am reminded of what he did when we have sex. I push the thoughts out of my mind. But its there. I always think about it. I usually have an internal conversation reminding my self he won't now. It saddens me that I feel this way. H and I were each others firsts.
I hate that he shared the the things that we learned together with someone else.

[This message edited by openedupmyeyes at 7:40 PM, September 2nd (Monday)]

blakesteele posted 9/2/2013 22:03 PM


My wife and I were each other firsts...were in line to be onlies...until she gave it to him.

God be with us all.

CatchyUsername posted 9/3/2013 06:28 AM

This happens to me too (we are 4 months from DDay) and WH and I talk about it. Sometimes it creeps in 10% (YEAH!) but when it is 50%+ we STOP. We talk. I share details of what those thoughts were and he just listens. We move on to something else.

Then the next time we try something different - and it seems to be always changing. Eyes open/eyes closed. Verbal/silent. Me initiating/him initiating. We just keep trying. And sometimes we purposely don't try.

crazyblindsided posted 9/3/2013 18:30 PM

HardenMyHeart I did exactly what you did, my own kind of exposure therapy I guess. I don't visualize them at all now. Really there isn't much the MOW could do that I haven't in bed I think I have fully reclaimed WH.

Another tip that helped me was to visualize the OW thinking about WH and I having hot amazing reconciliation sex. OW would just cry her eyes out if she knew.

LA44 posted 9/3/2013 18:54 PM

Another tip that helped me was to visualize the OW thinking about WH and I having hot amazing reconciliation sex.

Funny but of all the thoughts I have had, that is not one of them. Good one, CB!

SisterMilkshake posted 9/3/2013 19:51 PM

I flip the situation around. I have been giving this advice for years. Like crazy said, we make mind movies for OW. I imagine OW all alone and wanting FWH, but he is with me.

At first, when the mind movies were the worst, I would imagine OW in the corner watching us. Crying and wailing and feeling how I had felt. However, I only had to do that a few times for the movies to start to subside. Then all I had to do after that, was think "HA!HA! Look what I am doing with the "Love of Your Life". " FWH would sometimes be confused when I would actually laugh out loud whilst in the midst of it, but, it would make me laugh to think of OW's anguish if OW knew what we were doing.

It really makes sense, too. If we are haunted by mind movies, why wouldn't the AP who was dumped by and still wants your WS? The OW in our sitch has fished/stalked for 8 years, I know OW wants my FWH still.

openedupmyeyes posted 9/4/2013 08:07 AM

I can see that this hell is part of the struggle to R. My issue right now isn't so much mind movies. I too visualized her watching us. And, I've put on some shows. However, I'm struggling with the fact that he gave himself to her. That she has done, and seen him in a way that was mine. Mine alone.
Sistermilshake, good to see you. We were going through similar fishing experiences through the years. I haven't heard from her since I canceled the magazine subscription. I hope she's moved on. But as you know, it doesn't matter what she does, its what he and I do.

[This message edited by openedupmyeyes at 8:14 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

mchercheur posted 9/4/2013 20:50 PM

2 yrs 4 mos out & this issue is still very very difficult for me.
There is no way that sex with me can compare to the sex he had with OW.

After all, WH has seen me at my worst----giving birth, up all night with babies, extremely stressed out, and 24 years with the same person, I am not new, exciting, & forbidden. Plus add to that the stresses of raising a family these days---the usual problems with kids,bills,housework,extended family, etc.
There were plenty of times I was angry at WH, & let him know it.

OW is a fitness instructor.
OW was always strutting around work in tight,low cut clothing, she treated WH like he was the best thing since sliced bread (his words). She is 20 yrs younger than I & has never had kids. He only saw her at her best.
How can I compete with that?

Supposedly, even tho WH claims that his PA was very short (he states it lasted 8 days), he admitted to just about the most intimate acts possible. I still can't believe this! He barely knew her.

you may have to learn how to let go of the anger.

How do I do this?

My wife and I were each other firsts...were in line to be onlies...until she gave it to him

OMG blakesteele, I am so sorry. That must be so so difficult to get thru.
WH & I each had another long term relationship before we met, & this loss is difficult enough. My heart goes out to you that you have to deal with that loss. Sending you strength.

I hope and pray, with more time, this will get better.

Lionne posted 9/4/2013 21:11 PM

The last time we attempted, I apparently wasnt responding properly (read "stripper moves") He compared sex with me to necrophilia.
Nope. Not going there.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 9:11 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

Trudius posted 9/4/2013 21:53 PM

WH and I are about 4 months out from Dday. We definitely went through major HB at first (after some repairs on my girly parts...but that's a whole other story.) Now, the HB is cooling. We're still keeping the bedsprings busy, but the urgency...the frantic pace at which we were going at it...has subsided. It's more normal, if there is such a thing. So, why is it that I seem to be having more of the "mind movies" being triggered now?

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