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My 1st day Separated From My Wife

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kroma posted 9/1/2013 18:33 PM

Today is day 1 of separation and it's exactly what I thought it would be. Horrible.
Reality is after a 3 month A my wife let me back in her heart too quick. D day was Sept 30. We began talking 2 weeks later. I started to sleep over 3 weeks later. By x-mas I was full time in the house. On my end things seemed good. I have been in IC every week for 11 months. I have read books about A's, researched on the internet about marriage, and joined this web site. I have done a complete 180 of the person that ruined many people's lives almost a year ago. Side note there has been NC with the AP since D-Day. My BS has acknowledged my transformation and has been pleased with my efforts. Problem is she can't get over the actual A and has been building up this anger for months to the point of unhappiness.
With respect to her wishes I found this apt 15 minutes away. Close enough to be close with my children. 3 month lease started today. Let me explain my last 2 days.
Yesterday my wife actually helped me bring a dresser and anything else I needed from our home to furnish the apt so our kids would be comfortable. Then she and I went shopping last night to buy a few small appliances. We spent a very long night not really sleeping dreading today. I tried to stay awake as long as I could hoping today wouldn't come. Woke up and we sat outside having coffee talking like we've done for 16 years. I then loaded the car with more stuff as she got ready to visit her mother. As she was leaving she walked over, gave me a quick kiss and a hug and said I'll see you later. That was the last time I saw her.
Took my son over to the apt to set it up (everything was all over the place). Then we went grocery shopping. Something that I've never done without her. I was lost and really didn't know what to buy. I started to feel uneasy and texted my wife to ask if I could take some of her Adivan. I haven't taken one since my crisis last year. Finished shopping and grabbed my daughter and a few more things from the house. Got back to the apt and they were great. They helped me put everything away and my son is playing video games and my daughter is doing her schoolwork. They've been great and I'm so happy my wife offered them to stay over.
My BS has stated to me that if I asked her today we would not continue our marriage. She just can't see past her anger right now. I on the other hand refuse to give up. I will learn to live without her and will keep as busy as I can. But the truth is I am lost without her and feeling episodes of depression. Episodes that I haven't felt in 10 months. I'm working hard trying not to predict any outcome and live hour by hour. Hopefully soon I can live day by day. I will just keep holding on to the fact that there is still love between us and I'm praying that over the next few months she can begin to heal. Begin to not hurt as much. Maybe begin to miss me and what we have. I know that this is her choice now and I can't do anything except tell her how sorry I am and how much I love her....from time to time. I will respect her space as much as I can. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done. And what kills me is this is the worst thing my wife can ever go through and she's struggling too. Just an awful time for both of us. Thanks for reading. Like I said in previous posts I feel better when I can get this out.

kg201 posted 9/1/2013 19:08 PM

You sound somewhat like me in terms of yourncurrent feelings, but I'm the BH. I wish my WW was as remorseful as you sound.

Good luck. It sounds like having your kids around was helpful, so keep that in the front of your mind.

kroma posted 9/1/2013 19:23 PM

The kids were amazing. When we told them the other night they were ok. They are very intuitive and hears us talking every night. They knew something was going on. And to be honest my wife and I haven't been like we used to be in a long time and they knew it. They have helped me greatly make this transition. Problem is that I will not be able to tuck them in at night (and neither can their mother for that matter) every night. Those nights are going to be hard for me as I assume tonight it's hard for my wife.

I am remorseful. 1000%. Like I've read on this site I can't believe how much pain and suffering comes from an A. I was definitely the idiot who only thought about himself and no one else and now my family is stuck in this nightmare. Thanks to me.

It sounds like you're going through a hard time with a most recent D-Day. Good luck yourself. Difficult times ahead for many of us.

Iamhappytoday posted 9/1/2013 20:40 PM

I agree with kg201, I wish my WH wanted to reconcile the way you want to. I come from a different perspective on this issue than you, and don't have any helpful advice, but I hope that things work out for you.

I hope the posts by others can aid you in your efforts.


[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 8:41 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 9/1/2013 20:49 PM

Keep working on yourself so that she can believe in you and have respect for you. Be constant over the next few months for yourself, but she will notice also.

kroma posted 9/1/2013 21:08 PM

It's frustrating when I read people's posts on here where they say they wish there WS would go to IC or wish they would work harder yet they seem to R. Not all but a lot. Despite everything I've done she can't get over the A. I hurt her to the core. Her hurt is real. And no matter what I say or do it just doesn't matter. At least not right now.
I will try and be constant. I will continue IC. I have a lot of daddy day care coming up with football, baseball, gymnastics, and volleyball so I'll be busy enough. Maybe catch up with a few old friends. It won't be the same bc those are things I did with my wife. But for now....I will do them alone.

Iamhappytoday posted 9/1/2013 21:24 PM

I can't speak for anyone but myself, and I hope that my reply is gentle and appropriate to what you need to hear.

There are so many needs the betrayed spouse has. Read and re-read everything in the Healing Library--from both sides of the issue.

I don't know your circumstances, but I mean this in a compassionate way, patience is so important. We don't know the full extent of anyone else's experience, so I would hesitate to compare other reconciliation stories, as those of us in the divorce thread can usually attest to also hesitate to comparing ourselves to the AP, or hesitate to step out on any limb linking us with a painful past that has swept us into a current we often have difficulty navigating and keeping our head above water through. What I mean by this is that comparisons in these situations are often not very helpful, except when a sweeping conclusion is generally found, (such as common behaviors on d-day, etc).

Am I hopeful seeing your post of wanting to reconcile?
Sure, perhaps not for myself, but maybe even just for you.

I was told he didn't want to spend the next five years fixing the marriage until it got better again.
That truly hurt. I wanted to be worth that effort to him.

Perhaps you can convince her you are willing to do the work. You can at the least try.

I wish you the best, as I wish everyone here. This is a truly devastating club to be in.

[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 9:27 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]

heartbroken_kk posted 9/1/2013 23:18 PM

Hi kroma,

I'm sorry you are going through these times and your BW is not able to let go of her anger.

The best thing you can do right now is focus on doing everything you can to be a good person, in all your actions. Continue to treat your BW as wounded and in need of special care, but also work on you, because it's possible your M is over and the A was just a dealbreaker for your BW.

And take care of those kiddos.

Remember that you cannot control your BW and you cannot MAKE her forgive you or allow you back in.

Let go of the outcome and focus on the day to day.

kroma posted 9/1/2013 23:30 PM

I've tried everything to work through our 1st R. At this point I have realized that my wife has heard enough. There is nothing I can say or do to change our situation. Believe me I have tried but there's nothing more I can do. She has to figure this out on her own. As hard as it sounds I know this.
As for the A being a deal breaker I can't go there. Not yet. I have faith in our marriage. I have faith in everything we've accomplished. I have faith in our love and friendship. I have faith in our future. There's so much more for us to do in this life. I'm praying she feels the same once she heals. If she heals. Right now I can't even think about it being over. I just can't.
Day to day. Learn patience. And never stop saying I'm sorry and that I love my wife. Never. Denial? Maybe. But it keeps me going for now.

homewrecked2011 posted 9/3/2013 14:00 PM

THere was someone on here who posted a while back and her husband continued to be constant, continued with IC, and showed her that the trust could return with him. It took a while,like a year, before she could let her guard down, and they got back together.

Just be the best you can be.

kroma posted 9/3/2013 14:08 PM

I wish I could talk to that person. I would love to get the advice on how the WS was able to cope while he waited for her. It always helps when people with similar issues respond. Makes me feel like I'm not alone. It's been a few days since being by myself and it's hard getting used to. My kids have been great. We text and Kik all the time. I do get a chance to see them almost everyday bc of sports and such. Hard part is not communicating with her. I wonder if she's crying, sad, angry, happy, maybe all of the above. I don't know and that's the hardest part. I have IC this Thursday and a scheduled MC next Thursday. I hope she comes. Either way I will be constant. In myself and for my wife. I'm not giving up. Just live day by day for now.

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